


Twist Of Fate

by katyahzamo (artemiswrites)



Category: But not RPF, RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, I'll add more tags and warnings as we go, Katya is 32, Katya is a struggling photographer, Lesbian AU, Mutual Pining, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, References to Drugs, Slow Burn, Trixie is 29, Trixie is a hairdresser, alcohol mention, trixya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-07-05 01:13:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 54,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15853206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemiswrites/pseuds/katyahzamo
Summary: Katya never dared ask for Trixie's number or invited her for a drink in all the years Trixie cut her hair because a) do people even hang out with their hairdressers? and b) Sharon was always jealous of Katya’s girl friends, unless they were Ginger or Violet. She believes she'll never see Trixie once she announces her move to Europe, without knowing that fate has something entirely different in store for the two of them.Trixie is a hairdresser and Katya is a struggling photographer AU. Welcome to this slow burn, mutual pining mess and we hope you enjoy your stay!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first Trixya work, so please be gentle! Feedback is greatly appreciated and my soul food, so feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section or come talk to me on tumblr [@katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> PS, the title of the fic is based on Olivia Newton John's song so feel free to check it out - though if you love Katya you already know this. Let's get started!
> 
> Disclaimer: Please know that I never intend to write about RL Trixie and Katya (aka drag queens we all know and love), Trixie and Katya in my fics are *characters* based on drag characters of our two faves. The same thing goes for all other ladies mentioned in the fic. Thank you for reading!

### July 2018

 

Several rain drops fall heavily against her glasses and her eyes drift begrudgingly towards the ever-darkening sky. This is the fourth time this week that a perfectly good, warm day is derailed into a thunder storming mess and, if weather forecast on her phone is to be trusted, will continue to do so throughout the remainder of the summer. Katya’s peaceful work-free afternoons have been ruined, without a fault, every single weekend so far and she guesses it’s only fitting – life imitates weather or vice versa, whichever comes first.

She’s had many plans for this summer, including backpacking and road-tripping, leaving the state and going several over, enjoying the seaside and tall mountains, going off to live in a cabin in the middle of the desert and maybe becoming a victim to a crazed, chainsaw-hacking murderer with three talking heads and… Okay, maybe she did listen to way too much of the Night Vale podcast lately. In any case, the worst breakup of her life has been a detriment to all these grand plans, and going on adventures that were supposed to be hers and Sharon’s --- it was a big no-no. Instead, Katya remained in the city of Boston, spending time between holding yoga classes for middle-aged mothers, taking photography jobs here and there and drinking coca cola with strangers and friends in bars across town.

Her friends have been especially keen to get her to meet more strangers, on Tinder or in person, encouraging one night stands and random hookups that Katya did not really mind but often saw no point in, especially in the mornings when girls stayed over and mumbled ‘goodbyes’ and ‘I’ll call you laters’, disappearing through doors of her small apartment never to be seen again.

_Things have been okay, but not too exciting._

Katya assumes it’s understandable, since she has done not one single daring thing all year, despite her New Year’s resolutions (that were bullshit anyway). She almost walks into a tattoo parlor that she passes by quickly now that the rain has picked up. It takes her another second to decide against it, since getting impulsive tattoos so far has landed her of a particularly embarrassing one on her buttock she had gotten while drunk almost a decade before. It is now a constant reminder to stop, for at least a second, before making rash decisions, which worked most of the time. Sharon was always the more adventurous one in their relationship, and the memory makes Katya’s stomach twist uncomfortably. She hates that her ex-girlfriend still has a way of getting under her skin and into her thoughts even six months after they split and moved out of their joint home of four years.

 _At least the knot in her stomach is not as tight or painful as it used to be_ , Katya thinks as she catches her own reflection in one of the passing windows. Their relationship was over for almost a year before Sharon bit the bullet and was sensible enough to end it. Katya, ever the anxiety-ridden woman in her early thirties thought it was the end of the world at the time, spending an embarrassing amount of days calling Sharon and begging for them to get back together. She finally got a moment of clarity (which came in form of Ginger almost literally slapping her across the face after getting fed up with Katya's moping) and realized it was for the best.

There is an exhale she didn’t know she was holding when she looks at the sky again, lit up for a moment by lightning and followed by a loud crash of thunder. In that moment Katya decides she will do something daring this afternoon after all, pouring rain and miserable mood be damned. The blonde hair sticking to her forehead and falling way below her shoulders is wet, and her haircut is long overdue anyway. She guesses it’s as good as time as any to pay a visit to the salon she’s been (sub)consciously avoiding for almost two years now.

.

.

.

The hair salon in question is three blocks away from where the rain caught her first, and is now falling steadily as she jogs between the half-empty sidewalk, taken only by people under umbrellas that barely pay attention to her as she passes them by. It’s hidden in this part of the city enough that Katya had absolutely every excuse not to come this way since 2016 (not that anyone asked), and chose to go to the one closer to the yoga studio instead. There’s nothing special about this hair salon, either, it has four chairs, loud music, and five women working in there, but it has been one of the only places she never shared with Sharon, who was more of a ‘cut-your-own-hair’ kind of a girl. Women there are loud, full of latest gossip and forever laughing about and at over anything and anyone. Katya used to love going there – until Trixie left.

Trixie was one of a kind, tall, extremely funny and brash woman who insisted on doing Katya’s hair every time the latter would walk into the salon. She always had crazy ideas about hairstyles and colors she wanted to try doing on her and which Katya sometimes refused, but more often allowed since they made Trixie happy. Trixie's blonde, thick hair was almost always curled, sometimes tied in a ponytail and sometimes falling down her shoulders and back, never a single strand of hair out of order. They have never been out of sync, Trixie and Katya, even though their conversations happened exclusively when Katya came to the hair salon once a month for a touch-up. Trixie was the only person who never seemed to mind Katya’s odd humor, sometimes laughing at jokes not even Sharon found funny, and Katya enjoyed her company immensely.

For nearly eighteen months Katya was Trixie’s favorite customer, or so Trixie told her, and Katya never dared ask about her number or invited her for a drink because a) did people even hang out with their hairdressers? and b) Sharon was always jealous of Katya’s female friends, unless they were Ginger or Violet. The only time Katya and Trixie did go out for drinks after work was the night Katya found out that Trixie was moving to Europe the weekend after, which meant they would probably never see each other again.

Now _that_ knot is still alive, well and heavy in Katya’s stomach, especially now that she’s about to walk into the hair salon she hasn’t gone to since Trixie moved.

.

.

.

Walking into _Honey Salon_ was like stepping into a time machine that carried her back into September of 2016. All the decorations were the same, the chairs and mirrors are where they used to be, walls are the same color (though repainted) and the same faces turn to her when the little bell dings once the door opens and closes behind her. Kim is in one corner, working on some blonde’s eyebrows, Latrice is sitting at the reception desk, flipping through the latest Cosmo, Tammie is off to the left washing another girl’s freshly dyed hair and two other girls whose names Katya doesn’t know are cutting two customers’ hair.

A wave of shouts of ‘ _Katya!_ ’, ‘ _Hello!_ ’ and a ‘ _Well well well’_ are loud enough to almost drown the sound of thunder outside and Katya finds herself grinning when she drops her now soaked bag on the nearby chair and gets out of her coat. Her makeup is most likely ruined, smoky eye making her look like a raccoon, but she doesn’t care. Even without Trixie there, she feels like home.

“Look what the cat dragged in!” Latrice is the first one to speak again and gets up, leaving her Cosmo behind. “I’d hug you girl, but you’re all wet. Are umbrellas unheard of in Russia?”

Katya lets out a wheezing laugh, followed by a cough, and she realizes she hasn’t had a cigarette in an hour.

“No, we rub potatoes together to stave off rain in Mother Russia.” Katya lets her accent seep in, rolling the Rs and laughing again. “I’d hug you but I don’t want to get you wet. I missed you guys! Care for cutting my hair today?”

“I’ve never heard that one before.” Latrice deadpans, drawing another laugh from Katya and motions her to sit on one of the empty chairs. “Yeah, just sit over there, it’s a slow day. I’d ask Brianna to wash your hair but it looks like you have that taken care of already.”

The petite blonde girl who’s cutting the client’s hair to Katya’s right snorts and shakes her head, but doesn’t look up from her work. Katya watches Latrice in the mirror as she gets a towel and a sheet to wrap around Katya’s neck, getting the small talk and ‘how have you been’s out of the way to pass the time.

“So, should we be offended that you haven’t come to us for a haircut for two years or should we pretend you forgot our address and couldn’t find it again?” Tammie asks when she guides her customer to the nearby chair, wiping her hands on a towel and staring at Katya, but the twinkle in her eye giving off that she’s joking.

“Of course she didn’t forget,” chimes Kim somewhere from the left, “she just didn’t love us anymore after Trixie left.”

When Latrice nods thoughtfully, fighting back a booming laugh, Katya can feel color rise up her neck and tinting her cheeks light pink. “Hey, that’s not true! I’ve been busy, life got in the way, shit happened. You know how it is.”

“Uh huh,” Kim continued, unbothered. “So we’re supposed to pretend you aren’t back just because Trixie’s back, too?”

A beat. Katya’s eyes widen. “What?”

She can hear the smirk in Kim’s voice as she continues. “You heard me. Just because Trixie’s back doesn’t mean you can just walk in and ask us to get that tangled mess under control-“

_Trixie’s back?_

“I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what customers are supposed to do, Kimberly.”

The slight drawl dripping with sarcasm makes Katya’s head snap to the side to where Kim’s sitting, next to the washroom door that just opened, and even before her eyes can find the tall, curvy figure Katya knows who it is. Her heart knows who it is too, considering it’s now making somersaults in her chest and Katya has to breathe steadily to calm it down.

“Hey, stranger.” Trixie says, not oblivious to how Katya’s mouth fell open in surprise, red lipstick slightly smudged at the edges.

 

_**Trixie’s back.** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya is making Trixie laugh now, giving all the reasons why she shouldn’t have a Cate Blanchett haircut, going on about being a cheap knockoff and looking like an Eastern European hooker, when in truth she has already decided to let Trixie chop it all off. She just likes hearing Trixie praise her ‘flawless’ features. Sue her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the lovely comments and feedback on the first chapter! I figured I will be posting a new chapter each week while things are busy at work, and maybe bi-weekly once things settle down.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little flashback to when Katya got her iconic Atomic Bland haircut. :) The flashback was supposed to be a singular chapter, but it got too long so I broke it into two parts, so heads up!
> 
> Please leave your thoughts in comments, they help me get out of my head when it comes to this story! What can I say, Katya and I are both great overthinkers.

### September 2016

 

“There’s no way I could pull these off, you’re delusional.”

Katya’s staring at the photo that Trixie has stuck under her nose, of a model looking very like Cate Blanchett, with bangs covering her eyebrows and wavy hair stopping short of her shoulders. Trixie has been trying to get her to cut her long hair and bangs exactly like that for a few weeks now, to no avail. Now she lets out a groan, and Katya can see the eyeroll without even having to look at the blonde.

“Katya, you trust me, right?”

“Yes, but not with bangs. Have you seen the women who cut their bangs and had to hide for a year until they grew out?”

“What does---  “

“Of course you didn’t, because they’re still in their fucking house, regretting the bangs! Either that, or they’re in jail for killing the hairdresser who made them do it.”

“Katya. I’m telling you, you have a perfect face to rock these bangs. Your cheekbones have been cut by the gods to have bangs.”

“Are you calling my cheekbones fat?”

“Oh my god, you’re impossible.”

It goes on for a while. The rest of the hair salon is empty at seven in the evening, Trixie being in charge to close up tonight. Katya loves coming here this time of the day, even though it’s once a month only. Friday evenings she can get her haircut in peace, and Sharon is always off with the band at the end of the week anyway.

Being alone with Trixie is always great, because that is when they can talk about things other than hair and gossip surrounding every single person that comes through the door, which is a constant occurrence when all other girls are there. It’s not that Katya does not enjoy hearing about Amber’s latest hair straightener fail or Brenda’s sixth problematic child, especially with hilarious commentary that Kim almost always provides, followed by Latrice’s booming laugh and Trixie’s shrieking one, but Katya selfishly finds herself wanting to be the one who makes Trixie laugh, talking about everything and anything at once.

She is making her laugh now, giving all the reasons why she shouldn’t have a Cate Blanchett haircut, going on about being a cheap knockoff and looking like an Eastern European hooker, when in truth she has already decided to let Trixie chop it all off.  She just likes hearing Trixie praise her ‘flawless’ features. Sue her.

“Fine. I’ll let you do it- BUT, if I regret it, I’m taking that shaver and making Sinead O’Connor out of you.”

 

Katya doesn’t regret it. Trixie is fast and very capable in making her own vision come true, whether it’s just a trim or a complete change of one’s hair color. Before Katya knows it, Trixie’s fingers are in her hair, straightening out her now freshly cut curls that barely reach her shoulders, and arranging bangs on her forehead. She kept Katya turned away from the mirror, wanting the surprise to be complete once it was all done, and spins her chair around when she’s happy enough with how it looks.

Katya loves it.

“And?” Trixie’s expression is hopeful and then it turns into glee when Katya lets out a high pitched yell and jumps out of the chair, causing the discarded hair to fly everywhere and run close to the mirror to examine every hair on her blonde head.

“Trix, you’re a genius. I look amazing.”

Their eyes meet in the mirror and Trixie’s grinning, eyes slightly widened as if she, too, is surprised at how good it looks. Or maybe it’s something else, though it disappears from her face quickly. When she speaks a moment later, a satisfied, self-indulgent smirk has found its way on her face instead.

“I told you you would. You better tip me well, bitch.”

Katya does. She does it even though Trixie insists it’s been a joke and that there’s no need to give her double than what the actual cut costs. Katya won’t hear it.

She stays with Trixie as she cleans the salon (and refuses to let Katya help her), the blush in her cheeks not gone even ten minutes after Katya gives her the generous amount of money. Katya spends time between chatting with Trixie, to watching the people pass outside – it’s Friday after all, and the streets are filled with workers greeting the beginning of the weekend – to staring at herself in the mirror. As soon as Trixie went to the back to put the used towels in the washer, Katya snapped a selfie to send to Sharon, who hasn’t replied yet. Katya assumes she’s probably busy with the band rehearsals and all.

When Trixie returns from the back and starts turning off the lights, Katya forgets for a moment that they are, in fact, just a client and a customer, and words fly out of her mouth before she can overthink them.

“Hey, Trix?”

“Mmm?” The taller blonde has her back turned on her, writing down several reminders on post-its for Latrice when she comes in the morning.

“Do you want to go grab something to eat?”

A beat, and Katya blinks. Did that really just leave her mouth? And did Trixie really take a full minute to reply? It feels like it's that long, even though it’s probably been just a couple of seconds. Why is she stressing over this so much?

“I-“

Katya’s nerves interrupt the answer before it can come.

“I mean, if you’re free, I have no idea what your schedule is, it’s just that I have free time and I’m starving so I thought-“

When Trixie turns around, she’s smiling a smile that Katya hasn’t seen before. Is this how she’s smiling at all her friends? Katya is sure that she does, at least at Kim. Does it mean that they actually have a shot at being friends?

“Yeah, I’d love that. I haven’t had anything but that dumb smoothie all day.”

 

.

.

.

 

Katya hasn’t had a smoke in a couple of hours. Hell, she does not even remember her cigarettes as they walk over to a small deli on the other side of the street, ordering sandwiches that are bigger than either of them can handle (and which they eat anyway), laughing away and the dumbest things imaginable.

Katya doesn’t know if she’s ever laughed with anyone as much as she does with Trixie. It must have something to do with _how_ Trixie laughs, all high-pitched and shrieking, in sync with Katya’s wheezing, often soundless laugh. They make several scenes as they burst into laughter at least a dozen of times within an hour, and by the time they’re done with their sandwiches, Katya finally needs a smoke. She also does not want to go home to her and Sharon’s empty apartment.

Trixie appears to be reading her mind as they stand outside the deli, Katya’s mouth letting out puffs of smoke that make Trixie scrunch her nose, though she does not say anything about it. There’s been several minutes of comfortable silence as they watch the cars pass by. It’s night time already, and Katya really does not want to go home.

 

“Hey, do you have any plans for the rest of the night?”

Trixie’s tone is casual, if a little curious, as she looks at Katya from the corner of her eye. She’s done that a lot today, Katya thinks.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about getting Georgia peach Coke and going home to watch Netflix with my cat.”

Trixie laughs again, her voice loud despite the busy street.

“Okay, grandma, do you want to do something that’s _actually_ fun?”

Katya’s eyebrows raise, the corners of her mouth twisting into a little smile.

“Like what?”            

“Like, getting Georgia peach Coke in a bar, with human people?”

“How’s that more fun than spending a night in with my cat?”

“Because I’d be there.”

Katya’s fully grinning now, only mirroring Trixie’s smile. The big, brown bambi eyes of hers blink, lashes batting expectantly.   Katya doesn’t want to linger on how pretty she looks, even in this dim light.

“I guess I could consider it.”

“Come on, grandma, you owe me after I made you presentable to the world again.”

It’s Katya’s turn to laugh, wheezing as she stubs out a half-smoked cigarette.

“Okay, but you have to stop calling me grandma. I don’t have a lot of years on you!”

“Whatever you say, grandma.”

.

.

.

 

The bar that Trixie suggests is loud, as loud as bars get on a Friday night, but Katya doesn’t mind it. It has been a while she’s been out in the town, her and Sharon always staying in to watch a movie or something on Netflix when they are both free. She does not remember the last time Sharon and her were out on a date, even their dinners being ordered in. It’s not like they gave up trying to make their relationship exciting again, like Ginger always insists, but Katya thinks it is a matter of comfort and habit. Having sex on the couch watching the latest episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine or yet another crime documentary is easier than going through a lot of trouble of getting ready, dressing up, bothering to get a fancy restaurant (unless it was their anniversary or someone’s birthday), only to get home before midnight anyway. At least that is what Sharon always says.

Katya is also over going to clubs too often, choosing comfort over loud music, but getting out and letting loose every once in a while outside of the comfort of her home is still necessary, and something she usually does with Ginger when she doesn’t work until late or Violet when she isn’t on the road. Aside from the two of them, Katya doesn’t have a lot of girl friends.

One year into her relationship with Sharon, some three and a half years ago, when it was still in its honeymoon phase, Sharon had always been jealous when Katya went out with girls from work or talked to girls whenever they went out. Her existing friends had told her it was a major red flag back then, but Katya had notified them it’s none of their business. After the honeymoon phase, Katya had just fallen out of the habit of making friends outside of Sharon’s circle, at least until she went to the _Honey Salon_ at Violet’s recommendation.

It’s not like the girls at the _Honey Salon_ _are_ her friends, they don’t go out, text or talk on the phone unless it’s for setting up an appointment, hell she doesn’t even have them on Facebook, aside from following the salon’s page for updates.

On another hand, after talking to Trixie this entire afternoon in the salon, then over gigantic sandwiches and now vodka and Coke, Katya feels like they have been close friends for ages.

 

“Y’know this was the first bar I puked in when I first came here from Wisconsin?”

Trixie is laughing again after taking a sip of her drink, and Katya has no idea where the time has gone. It must have been at least three hours since they sat down at this booth in the farthest corner of the bar. Perks of knowing the owner, Trixie informed her when they first walked in.

“Really? How did that happen?”

“I’ve never had tequila shots before. I always swore the day I try tequila I’d kill myself because I hated the smell, right? Then Tammie got me to have one on a dare, one thing led to another, and I’m pretty sure I left my left lung in one of the stalls.”

“Sexy.” Katya says, and Trixie laughs loudly, leaning back from her previous position of being half-pressed into Katya’s side. Katya feels like the younger blonde might be a little tipsy, but doesn’t point it out. The last thing she wants is Trixie realizing how late it is and wanting to go home. Sharon had texted her to tell her that she liked her hair and not to wait up. Her hand squeezes her third bottle of Coca Cola for the night, wondering if the tipsiness she’s feeling is from all the sugar she’s just injected in her system.

“You bitch! I just told you I nearly died in the bathroom and you think that’s sexy?!” Trixie shrieks through her laugh and Katya has to laugh too.

“Don’t kink shame me! We all have our quirks, Tracy.”

“And yours is puking, good to know.”

“Hey, I just called you Tracy and you didn’t bat an eye.”

“I guess I’m just getting used to your quirks.”

“That’s good.”

 

They fall silent for a moment, but it’s not uncomfortable. If someone was to look at them, they would think that they must be on a date, Katya thinks. Trixie has slid into Katya’s side of the booth after her last trip to the washroom, and she spends a lot of time slapping Katya’s upper arm when she makes her laugh. Katya, on the other hand, blushes every time it happens, and blames it on the sugar and this sudden attention she’s getting. They are still nothing but friends, and Sharon will be the one whose arms she’s going to sleep in tonight.

With a flip in her stomach, Katya realizes that she has no idea if Trixie is taken or not, the topic not having come up once the entire evening. They talked briefly about Sharon when her text came, but was brushed over as quickly as it was mentioned.

 

“Hey. Penny for your thoughts?”

Katya realizes that Trixie is touching her hair, snapping her out of the thoughts she definitely should not be having, and blinks lazily at her. Trixie has touched her hair a million times, more than anyone else, but this seems different.

“Just thinking about how women will throw themselves at me now that you’ve cut my hair like this.” Katya replies casually, though a ball of anxiety (or something else?) tightens with every second that Trixie’s hand plays with Katya’s curls, chin propped on a hand propped on a table with her elbow.

Trixie laughs again, but this time it’s quieter, and her eyes drift away from Katya’s, surprisingly enough. They haven’t broken their eye contact the entire night.

“I’m sure they will, I’d love to be there to see that.”

“You can be, if we plan on making this a weekly thing.”

A silent moment passes and then Trixie sighs, making Katya nervous all of a sudden. Did she misread the signals that Trixie has been giving her the entire night? Was Katya feeling that they were becoming friends just one-sided? Was this just a one-time thing?

“Katya-”

She realizes she got lost in her own thoughts for a moment, so much that she didn’t notice when Trixie’s fingers  abandoned her hair. She swallows before responding.

“What?”

“I’m moving to Europe next Wednesday."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna talk about it? Hit me up on tumble at @katyahzamo. I made the blog only two days ago, so I need some peeps to follow!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m really happy for you, Trixie. Germany’s about to be one fabulous haircut capital of Europe.”
> 
> It’s all Trixie needs to grab the hand on her wrist and squeeze back.
> 
> “Thanks, Katya! I promise you’ll still be the number one customer in my heart.”
> 
> “I better be, bitch!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The outpouring of support and wonderful comments really kept me going this past week, you guys! Thank you so much!
> 
> This one's a bit longer than the last one and it got out of control, but guess what? We get to go back to present in the next chapter!
> 
> And finally, please leave comments/kudos if ya have time!

### September 2016

 

_I’m moving to Europe next Wednesday._

There are several things that happen in Katya’s head then, her heart too, as she watches Trixie’s face fall a little. With horror, she realizes it’s because her own facial expression sagged as if she received the worst news ever, and tries to react quickly.

“Trixie, that’s- that’s great!”

Her voice is something between a whisper and a croak, though her hand reaches out to squeeze Trixie’s wrist with enthusiasm, trying to make up for the lack thereof in her voice. “That’s really great! Why?”

It works, or at least it seems to to Katya, since the twinkle in Trixie’s eye is back and her smile too, and Katya doesn’t know what to do with herself.

“You think so? I got this job offer in Berlin, not sure how long I’ll be staying there, maybe permanently if I like it. Don’t get me wrong, I love _Honey_ but I’ve been wanting to go to Europe for a long time and this is a great opportunity to learn new things, save some money, even open my own salon down the line.”

Katya nods along, still trying to _show_ that she’s excited for her, since Trixie is practically bouncing in her seat again, but the thoughts in her head are begging for her attention. Now is definitely not the time to unpack the feelings that are bubbling in her chest, but she can never stop her train of thoughts, no matter how inappropriate the moment is.

 One part of her stubbornly focuses on the fact that this is _probably_ because she’s losing her favorite hairdresser, since she never trusted _anyone_ with her hair until she met Trixie more than a year ago. It’s a thought that she marks as both selfish and illogical, as there a million of hairdressers out there and it will be no trouble finding another one.

Another part of her, a more rational one, recognizes it might be because Trixie is the first (potential) _friend_ she’s had in ages, Sharon, Ginger and Violet excluded. Losing that would bring her back to square one, and Katya is really not the type to go out and make random friends. Not anymore.

The largest part of her, however, berates herself for not getting courage to ask Trixie out for drinks earlier, any time in the past year and a half when she got her hair cut, to befriend her properly, which would probably mean that Katya would have known Trixie was leaving, or planning to leave earlier than tonight. They would have more time to get to know each other better, even maybe stay in touch after Trixie moved across the pond. She knows it’s irrational to feel sad, or bad, or _selfish_ , and should feel happy for Trixie and congratulate her on chasing her dreams instead. That’s what friends do, right?

“I’m really happy for you, Trixie. Germany’s about to be one fabulous haircut capital of Europe.”

It’s all Trixie needs to grab the hand on her wrist and squeeze back.

“Thanks, Katya! I promise you’ll still be the number one customer in my heart.”

“I better be, bitch!”

.

.

.

The ride to Trixie’s building is mostly quiet. Katya offered to drive her home little after they paid for their drinks (Trixie getting to the bill before Katya could even protest it), and  now the only sound is coming from the radio, an old 70s song that always kept Katya in high spirits but now knows it’s tainted because it will always remind her of tonight. This semi-silence is comfortable enough despite the circumstances, with Trixie humming to the melody and Katya tapping her fingers on the steering wheel.

“Are you going alone? To Germany, I mean.”

Trixie turns her gaze away from the street lights they are passing by to look at Katya. The streets are oddly deserted and they don’t have to stop at intersections that often, leading today to an inevitable end, despite Katya’s wishing it wouldn’t.

“Yeah. The boss of the salon that offered me the job was nice enough to find accommodation close to my work. Apparently Berlin is _huge_ and I already found couple of gay bars there, so I should be fine.”

The corners of Katya’s lips twitch upward in a smile, even though she doesn’t take her eyes off the road.

“That’s good.”

“Mmm yeah. I guess that’s better, right? If I had anything tying me to this city, I would have a hard time leaving it. I mean, I’m kinda sad _now_ , but also excited to see and experience new places, y’know?”

Katya feels Trixie’s eyes on her, but she can’t find it in her to meet her glance. She turns right on the intersection, per GPS’ instructions, and nods thoughtfully.

“I agree. It’s more difficult to start over if you have deep roots somewhere.”

“Yeah. Or if you’re old, like you.”

That makes Katya laugh and eases the tension in her chest. She finally looks over to see Trixie grinning cheekily at her.

“You really are a _cunt,_ Tracy. Germany will be lucky to have you.”

“Thanks, Old. I think so, too.”

 

The car comes to a stop in a dimly lit parking lot, illuminated only by the light shining through windows of the building towering over them. Katya thinks it’s ironic how this is the first and last time she’ll see where Trixie lives, and the old feeling of _regret_ returns to punch her fully in the gut as she turns off the ignition.

“You good to go inside al--?”

“Thanks for today I had a l—“

They speak at the same time, and the car erupts with the sound of them laughing loudly.

“You go first.”

“No, you go, I insist on hearing how delightful you think I am.”

Trixie shakes her head and rolls her eyes, though Katya can swear she sees her cheeks flush a little.

“Oh my god, fine. Thanks for today, Katya, I had a lot of fun.”

Each word is pointed and a bit sing-songy, and despite the sarcasm, Katya knows it’s genuine.

“I had a lot of fun too.” _We_ _should have done this a long time ago_ , she wants to say, but bites it back.

“And thank you for the ride.”

“Anytime.”

Several more moments of silence, and Katya wants to ask for her phone number. Email. Skype. Anything. She could even ask for the address so she can send her letters. Anything at all would be better than sitting there in silence, waiting for Trixie to say something. Maybe ask for her address in return.

“I better go inside, it’s getting late and I have a lot of packing to do.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you around, Katya.”

Before she knows what’s happening, Trixie’s arms are around Katya’s shoulders, squeezing tightly, long blonde hair tickling her nose. She smells of flowers and summer evenings. Katya holds on for a second longer than she should, and then the passenger’s door is opening, and Trixie gives her one last wave before closing them shut and walking towards the building.

“See you.” She says to the empty car, staring after her form before she’s swallowed by the darkness.

Katya stays sitting in the parked car for some time before she remembers she has an early yoga class in the morning. She can still feel Trixie’s arms around her neck and her scent even when she’s unlocking the door of her and Sharon’s apartment some time later. She can feel it even after she smokes and showers and gets into loose shorts and Sharon’s old tanktop. Still feels it when she lies down next to her girlfriend’s sleeping form, and even when Sharon wraps an arm around her torso instinctively.

Katya dreams of pink flowers and street lights all night.

.

.

.

Katya wakes with a start Sunday morning, realizing that the _earthquake_ she just experienced in her nightmare was her phone buzzing under her pillow. The bed is empty, and she recalls Sharon telling her the night before she’d be gone all day. Her band is preparing to go on a tour around the state and Katya had told her she’s really proud of her. Everyone is chasing their dreams aside from her lately, it seems. This early in the morning, she’s completely fine with that.

The room is still dark, since Sharon pulled them together so Katya can sleep in, and she squints at her surroundings before finding her incessantly buzzing phone.

“Alright, god, shut up.”

One look at her phone and she sees it’s past 10am. Talk about sleeping in. With a groan, she unlocks it to see three missed calls from Violet and a string of text messages. First one is from Sharon.

 

**_Shakes:_ ** _Left u waffles in the microwave_

**_Shakes:_ ** _I hope they’re still warm by the time u wake up_

**_Shakes:_ ** _Might sleep over at Lasky’s if we’re 2 late_

**_Shakes:_ ** _Tell Vi I said hi and that I’m sorry I won’t be able to hang with all of u tonight_

**_Shakes:_ ** _Love you_

 

Katya leaves it on _read_ for now, having no idea what plans Sharon is talking about, thinking it must be why Violet has been blowing up her phone the entire morning. Rubbing her eyes, she sits up, suddenly feeling hungry and her limbs still stiff and a bit sticky with sweat.

The weather has been too warm for September, and she spent the entirety of yesterday inside her own apartment, save for the yoga class in the morning. The first part of her Saturday passed in the state of slight sulking, though she was definitely feeling better than the night before. As soon as her yoga class was over, Katya convinced herself she overreacted to the news of her hairdresser moving to another continent. It’s not like she would miss her, she thought as she watched Sharon adjust her bass guitar’s strings in their small living room, and Trixie would probably forget about her as soon as she found _another_ blonde with _flawless cheekbones_. Knowing Germany, Berlin is probably full of those.

Sharon has stayed with her the entire day too, teasing her slightly about the bangs but telling her she looks good – and considering the fact it has been a while since Sharon has given her that much attention Katya was reveling in it. By the time the evening rolled around and Sharon was eating her out on their dining table, their dinner forgotten, Katya has pushed Trixie to the back of her mind completely.

She is now sitting down by that same dining table, a cup of coffee in her hand and waffles on the plate before she can deal with Violet’s 43 unread messages; she opens the app and starts reading.

 

**_Violetta:_ ** _…so I told them ud be coming too_

**_Violetta:_ ** _don’t u dare not come, bitch_

**_Violetta:_ ** _I won’t see u for 3 wks, u can’t say no_

**_Violetta:_ ** _just wrote an entire essay and ur not even awake yet_

**_Violetta:_ ** _gr8_

**_Violetta:_ ** _lmk when u wake up_

**_Violetta:_ ** _party starts at 4pm so Ginger n I will pick u up at 5_

Katya laughs with her mouth full of cold waffles and whipped cream as she re-reads Violet’s stream of consciousness pouring in the string of text messages, filtering out threats of what would happen to her if she flakes out of the party the way Sharon did. The gist of it all is that there is a party that this guy Bob invited them all to, and he is a stand-up comedian that Violet knows from the shows they performed at together, and there will be a lot of people there because it’s someone’s birthday, Bar Mitzvah or something else entirely, Violet is not sure and does not care. What she cares about is getting Katya out of the house and them having a last hurrah of the summer before Violet goes on the road.

 

**_Katya:_ ** _You drained my battery, cunt_

**_Katya:_ ** _Wheres this party @ and why is it on a Sunday_

**_Katya:_ ** _Don’t they know people have work on Mondays?_

Katya barely has time to take another bite before her phone buzzes a reply.

 

**_Violetta:_ ** _thought u died, finally_

**_Violetta:_ ** _why do u care, u don’t work til late tmrw_

**_Violetta:_ ** _are u in or not_

**_Katya:_ ** _I didn’t say me, I said people_

**_Katya:_ ** _Sure, not like I have anything to do_

**_Violetta:_ ** _gr8, see u at 5 bitch_

**_Violetta:_ ** _wear smth sexy, don’t embarrass me_

**_Katya:_ ** _Fuck off_

She opens her message thread with Sharon, then, and types a quick reply before finishing her breakfast and going out on the balcony for a smoke.

 

**_Katya:_ ** _Waffles were cold, but good, thx babe_

**_Katya:_ ** _Will go to the party or Violet will murder me_

**_Katya:_ ** _Tell the girls I said hi, love you, cya tomorrow_

 

Katya spends the rest of her morning doing some of the yoga poses to stretch her tired muscles, figuring she should probably go out for a run too, but decides she’s too lazy to. Instead, she showers and does some chores around the house, watches half of a movie, chain smokes on the balcony periodically, and digs through her closet to find something decent to wear for the party, knowing she’d hear it from Violet otherwise.

By the time 4pm rolls around, Katya is mostly ready, finding her new haircut much easier to maintain, letting it easily fall to her shoulders. Adjusting her bangs takes a bit longer, but Trixie has done a good job and they don’t give her a lot of trouble. Katya expertly ignores the tug at her stomach when thoughts about Trixie creep up on her, and works on her smoky eye and blood red lips instead.

When Violet knocks on her door, Katya is already fully dressed, sporting a flowy, black button-up with polka dots on her sleeves and a layered skirt that falls somewhere to her mid-thighs, revealing tights with straps on them underneath, topping the look off with ankle boots with heels. Katya objectively thinks she looks great, and judging by the look on Violet’s face when she looks her up and down, she has achieved the _sexy_ she was aiming for.

Violet, on the other hand, is wearing a tight black dress that reaches just above her knees, her dark curls falling down her bare shoulders, her heels making her look at least an inch taller than Katya, causing the blonde to whistle as she looks her over.

“Damn, mama, you look sexy as hell.”

Violet laughs once they pull away from a hug.

“You sound surprised, bitch. I love your bangs, they look even better in person. And I bought this dress for the road but I had to see if I looked any good in it.”

“Thanks, I think I like them too. If I didn’t know how much of a crazy bitch you are in bed, I’d totally try to seduce you, that’s how good you look.”

“Fuck off, you know you never got over this.”

Katya laughs when Violet runs hands down her own torso and hips seductively, and smacks her on the shoulder making Violet laugh too, then turns around to get her purse.

“Wait, where’s Ginger?”

“She had an issue with her babysitter, so she’s waiting for another one to come through. She said she’ll be at Bob’s by seven or eight.”

“Oh, okay, cool. Let’s go?”

 

The ride to Bob’s takes a little over half an hour, as his house is just outside of the city, and  by the time Katya and Violet get there, they can already see a handful of cars parked in the driveway.

“How big is this party, Vi?”

“Big enough to make people _party_ on a Sunday. Come on, I’m starving.”

 

The party is as huge as Katya anticipated. She assumes that someone as successful as Bob _would_ have a lot of acquaintances, but it turns out that not all are there for Bob.

 

“It’s a farewell party,” a girl named Farrah tells them when she greets them at the door. “One of Bob’s closest friends is moving so he organized all of this for her.”

“Wow, the girl’s popular.” Katya says, looking at the people chatting along the hallway, some even dancing in one of the rooms to her right.

“Yeah, she’s had a lot of clients throughout the years and you know that people never miss a party, even on a Sunday.”

“Why _is_ it on a Sunday, anyway?” Katya asks conversationally, watching Violet already being pulled away by a number of girls as tall and as good-looking as her. She recognizes some of them from her instagram, burlesque dancers from the company she’s a part of.

“Scheduling. Bob figured if he promised booze and a barbecue people would show up anyway.”

“Guess he was right. Who is the girl, anyway? Where is she?  Should we have brought a farewell gift?”

“No, that’s fine,” Farah says, reaching the end of the hallway and leading her out on the backyard patio. The sign catches Katya’s eye immediately and her mouth falls open before Farrah can finish “- she’s a hairdresser, Trixie Mattel. The salon she works at became really popular when Latrice bought it from their previous owners. I don’t know why they don’t branch out-“

Katya barely listens to Farrah going on about profit and how good all the girls there are. Katya doesn’t need to be told that, she already _knows. Honey_ has always been full with all kinds of people going in and out, artists, middle-aged mothers, young suburban soccer moms, models and drag queens (and kings) and everyone in between.

A big GOODBYE TRIXIE sign is hung across the backyard and decorated with small lights that would surely look lovely when the day is done. This was a party for Trixie.

She can’t believe it.

“Anyway, I have more guests to greet, are you going to be okay here?”

“Yeah Farrah, thanks.”

“Drinks are over there, and dinner will be over soon. If you want to say hi to Bob, he’s that guy with the shawl over there.”

“Thank you. I think I’ll do that.”

“See you around, Kate!”

Katya laughs but doesn’t correct her as she waves her off and goes over to get a drink. She’s disappointed that Georgia Peach is not one of the non-alcoholic choices, and settles for a regular Coke instead, feeling more nervous than she has in a while.

.

.

.

 

The party is a pretty mellow affair while the sun is still out, and Katya enjoys being by herself at first, smoking in the corner and sipping on her Coca Cola. Violet has come to her at some point, bringing Bob with her to meet Katya, and Katya instantly likes him. While she never saw his show live before, she vaguely remembers Violet talking about him and seeing him in her pictures, and immediately swears she’d see him first time she gets the chance. He’s gay, loud, charming and absolutely hilarious, and by the time he waves and goes to greet more guests Katya has relaxed enough to stop looking and wincing every time a curvy woman with blonde hair walks out of the house.

Despite it being Trixie’s party, Trixie is nowhere to be seen yet.

At first Katya wonders why Violet didn’t tell her that it was a party for one of the girls from the _Honey Salon,_ considering Violet is the person who recommended it to her in the first place, but then remembers Violet didn’t even know what the party was about when she invited her to come with. After all, Katya doesn’t remember ever talking about Trixie to Violet or anyone really, since she found it weird to talk too much about her hairdresser who laughs at all her jokes and massages her scalp like no one did in her life before. It’s stupid, because Trixie probably does that with everyone.

She can still feel an irrational pang of jealousy at the thought when her phone buzzes in her back pocket and Katya unlocks it, smiling around her cigarette.

 

_Shakes sent you a photo_

**_Shakes:_ ** _Alaska made the best cocktails ever_

**_Shakes:_ ** _how’s the party going?_

With a sigh, she stares at the photo of her girlfriend and Sharon’s best friend holding up cocktails that look like Bloody Marys, knowing that Sharon is probably having more fun than her. She’s come to the stupid party only to spend some time with Violet, but every time her friend would come to her, she’d be called to the side by one of the many people Katya has never seen or met in her life. They are a part of Violet’s life Katya knows nothing about, the one she started when she got a spot in this company several months before. With that lonely feeling in her gut, combined with anxiety of Trixie coming any moment, she is happy for a little distraction in form of her girlfriend’s texts. At least Ginger would be here soon, since it’s almost eight.

 

**_Katya:_ ** _Boring_

**_Katya:_ ** _They don’t even have the Georgia peach_

**_Katya:_ ** _Let alone virgin Bloody Marys_

**_Katya:_ ** _Miss you_

The messages are read within moments but the reply doesn’t come. So much for _that_ distraction. She stubs out her cigarette, puts another in her mouth, and then there’s a voice so close behind that she nearly drops her lighter.

“You know, if you want to smoke yourself into a young human corpse, you’re on the right path.”

She turns around and there’s Trixie, out of her _decent_ work clothes, a pink dress clinging so tightly to her big thighs Katya thinks it might be illegal in at least three states. The dress is buttoned up at Trixie’s neck the same way Katya’s shirt is, and they match like an odd Goth meets Barbie yin yang fantasy. Blonde hair is tied up in a high ponytail and is resting down the front of Trixie’s right shoulder, straightened to perfection.

Katya’s staring, she knows she is, and can’t seem to form words immediately. Her throat unclenches long enough for her to cough and she grins, pulling out the still-unlit cigarette and dropping it on the small table she’s claimed when Bob and Violet left.

“Who are you again?”

Katya’s semi-quick response makes Trixie shriek with laughter, turning several heads their way, making Katya proud of herself and grinning like an idiot.

“I could ask you the same question. Who invited you to _my_ party?”

The look on Trixie’s face makes Katya think that she’s also thinking about the best way to greet the other, so neither of them don’t do anything but smile widely at each other.

“No one. I was passing by and jumped that fence just for the fun of it. I like to live dangerously.”

Katya says the last sentence in the hardest Russian accent she can muster, which is awarded by another loud laugh and causes warm feeling spreading from Katya’s stomach and into her limbs. She’s going to miss this.

“Well we have enough food even for law breakers, you wanna join me? I’ve been packing all weekend and I’m going to die if I don’t put food in my mouth soon.”

 

Katya’s forgotten all about her cigarettes and Sharon not responding when she nods and follows her to the table.

“How do you know so many people? Are you cutting hair of the entire Boston, Tracy?”

“No, just the crazy ones.” She deadpans, and Katya is shaking with soundless laughter so hard she can barely grab the chicken wings from the platter. “Honestly I don’t know half the people here, I assume they’re Bob’s friends and he just invited everyone so he can pull the ‘I’m the best friend you’ve ever had’ card when I piss him off.”

“How do you know Bob, anyway?”

“We grew up on the same street, and I think we were the only two gay people in the seventy miles radius. So naturally, we had no other choice but to become best friends in middle and high school.”

Katya laughs again, watching Trixie put only grilled vegetables on her plate. She realizes she has no idea if Trixie is vegetarian and wonders what other things she doesn’t know about her.

“It must have been difficult growing up in rural Wisconsin, huh?”

Trixie shrugs, chewing on a carrot she’s snagged from the salad table. “It was okay. My mom still pretends it’s just a phase, you know how it goes, and my dad was out of the picture since I was seven. Bob and I are like family in that way, he’s been my biggest support growing up.”

“That’s amazing. That you had each other, not- not your family situation.”

“No, it’s really fine. It’s been more than ten years since I left that hellhole. What about Russia?”

“Oh I was only ten when I moved to the US. Mom and dad had a hard time accepting I’d never give them grandchildren at first, but I think they understood that they wouldn’t get those even if I got married to a dude.”

“You don’t want to have kids?”

“I mean, I don’t know. My ovaries don’t squeeze when I see a baby and I definitely don’t have the hips to give birth to a kid. Imagine the issues my kid would have, with all the smoking I put my lungs through? No mama. Maybe if I get married and my wife wants them, I wouldn’t be against it. I think I’d be a good dad.”

“Oh you’d definitely be a great dad.”

 

They laugh and move back to Katya’s table, and it seems both like hours and only minutes pass before Bob comes over and insists for Trixie to come with him on the patio, where he gives a long speech that starts off with jokes and ends with the two of them hugging and tearing up.

Katya has an intrusive thought that Trixie looks beautiful when she cries and feels the same old tightness in her chest return and she welcomes the distraction in the form of Ginger and Violet who bring her another Coca Cola and two glasses of wine for each of them.

Katya doesn’t get another chance to talk to Trixie until after midnight, since people have been hugging her, saying goodbye and even giving her gifts ( _should have brought a gift_ , Katya thought before she realized she had no idea this party was happening until several hours ago), and giving her tips about living in Europe and things that are a must-see in Berlin and Germany in general.

They talk again when Trixie sits next to Katya on a bench when most of the guests are already gone and Violet is collecting her own things to leave, giving Katya a big hug and telling her she’d come for coffee in the morning before her own tour bus leaves the city tomorrow night.

Katya feels sad every time Violet leaves. It usually means not going out to bars as much and hanging out mostly with Ginger and her two-year-old on work days, since Sharon will be gone this time around too. If Trixie wasn’t leaving, Katya would probably spend more time with her, but things rarely go the way Katya wants them to. Violet hugs Trixie next, and Katya thinks it’s weird seeing the two interact, only to remember that Trixie has been Violet’s acquaintance far longer than Katya’s. When Violet goes back to the house to leave through the front door, Trixie has to nudge Katya’s shoulder with her own to bring her back from her spiraling mind.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

The question makes her recall those same words from several evenings ago, and Katya can’t believe that she’s losing the only friend she’s made in ages. Because that is what Trixie is, a friend to Katya, even if it’s only one-sided.

Tonight Trixie doesn’t seem as tipsy as she was that night, Katya doesn’t even remember seeing her drink tonight.

“You keep promising me pennies, Tracy Martel, but I don’t see that money anywhere.”

Trixie laughs out loud again.

“It’s because you never tell me anything you’re thinking, Katie Zamolochichidova!”

Katya laughs too and nudges Trixie’s shoulder in return.

“I like to keep the mystery alive.”

“I can see that.”

That odd sparkle in Trixie’s eye is back and it makes it hard for Katya to drop her intense gaze, so she doesn’t.

“Who is going to cut my hair when you’re gone?” She chooses the safest question among many that cross her mind.

“Any of the girls are as good as I am, Katya, just choose one. I only selfishly stopped them from cutting your hair before.”

“Why?”

“Because I like your hair, and it’s easy to make you look good with whatever I do.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that I think you’re gorgeous, stupid.”

Katya feels her cheeks go fully crimson, and she swallows heavily, thinking how she can deflect it with a joke. Before she can, Trixie speaks again.

“So don’t worry about looking horrible whoever does your hair. I’d stay away from Tammie, but otherwise you’re good.”

“Thanks, Trix.”

“Don’t mention it.”

 

Only when Katya returns home to her empty apartment and lies down in her empty bed, thinking about how tightly Trixie hugged her three times, once while they were still sitting, once when they said goodbye, and one last time when Trixie runs to Katya’s car to give her the phone she’d forgotten on the patio, and how _good_ and _right_ it felt, does she remember she forgot to ask about her phone number so they could stay in touch.

A feeling of guilt that hits her when she turns to the side and feels Sharon’s scent on her pillow makes her think that it’s better that way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you hate when soulmates have the worst timing ever? Tell me whatcha think and catch me on tumblr [@katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Katya's outfit for the party is [this](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/private/177981702121/tumblr_pewmemhq2I1xfa7j2), without the claws. Trixie is wearing the dress similar to Mama Don't Make Me Put On the Dress Again [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQzD1k1sa6A).
> 
> PS - the song they listen to the in the car is [Al Stewart - Year Of The Cat.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqZc7ZQURMs) It came on while I was writing that bit and I had to add it in there!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya hears herself laugh, but her eyes look for tiny changes in Trixie’s appearance, and the longer she looks the more she sees. She’s as tall as ever, slightly towering over Katya, but the dress, taut and pink, hugs her body differently. Trixie’s lost a bit of weight, her waist much smaller than the last time Katya has seen her, but her curves are still there, hips wide and thighs strong enough to break Katya’s neck if they so wished, shaping her into a perfect hourglass figure. Barbie who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello hello! We're back in the present and we'll stay here until I decide another flashback is in order. There's a lot of Katya's overthinking in this chapter, so I apologize for the passages without dialogue. 
> 
> As always, please leave comments and kudos if you enjoy these two, I love reading/seeing it all!

### July 2018

 

 

Trixie is right there, and Katya is already on her feet, realizing she looks like a dumbass with her wet hair, lipstick smudged but not as bad as her glasses, the towel previously around her shoulders discarded on the floor somewhere. She feels like the kid who got caught red-handed, though she is not sure what exactly she feels startled about.

The soft look on Trixie’s face makes it _worse_ , and now Katya is sure that she has stepped into a time machine that took her back to 2016.

“You look terrible.”

Trixie is the one who speaks again, expert at re-routing Katya’s overworked brain, hauling her thoughts back into present, making her terribly self-conscious of how much of a mess she looks like.

“Thanks, it’s the new look I’m trying. Hobo chic.”

A pair of arms finds her bony shoulders and pulls her into a hug, and Katya can’t remember the last time she felt this _stupefied_. The closest thing was the night Sharon told her she’s moving out, and even then Katya’s limbs worked properly, pacing around their tiny apartment with an unlit cigarette in her hands, trying to fix the shitstorm their relationship has become at that point in time. It didn’t really help. Obviously.

Thankfully it seems that her body has a mind of its own and reacts instinctively, because she is hugging Trixie back, holding her tightly for two long moments.

“You’re wearing glasses.”

It’s a statement, not a question, which comes from Trixie once they pull back. Katya’s still holding onto Trixie’s hand that she squeezes before letting go.

“Old age finally caught up to me. I’m almost as blind as a bat now.”

“Fitting, because you definitely _look_ like one.”

 

Katya hears herself laugh, but her eyes look for tiny changes in Trixie’s appearance, and the longer she looks the more she sees. She’s as tall as ever, slightly towering over Katya, but the dress, taut and pink, hugs her body differently. Trixie’s lost a bit of weight, her waist much smaller than the last time Katya has seen her, but her curves are still there, hips wide and thighs strong enough to break Katya’s neck if they so wished, shaping her into a perfect hourglass figure. Barbie who?

Katya’s staring, pale blue eyes flitting over from Trixie’s hips to her face, softer makeup and round cheeks that seemed to have lost some of their youthful chubbiness.

She’s as beautiful as ever.

“You look amazing.” Katya says, and Kim snorts from behind them, not even trying to pretend she wasn’t watching this exchange carefully. Trixie rolls her eyes at the sound, but the smile doesn’t disappear when she speaks again.

“Thanks. I give myself two weeks in Boston before I’m back to being the white American trash.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, you never stopped being one.” Kim chirps and Trixie shoots her another look through her laughter before motioning to the chair where Katya was sitting.

Latrice is quick to suggest Trixie cuts Katya’s hair soon after, and it’s not long before Katya’s in front of the mirror again, eyes glued to Trixie. Luckily enough the other girls seem to have returned to their work, though the blonde one, Brianna, still throws curious glances their way, making Katya think she knows something that even Katya doesn’t. Either that, or Katya’s overthinking it again, which is a more likely scenario.

 

“When did you come back?” She’s happy that her voice is back to its usual, raspy self, feeling comfortable as soon as Trixie’s fingers start combing through her wet hair, studying it like a sculptor was to examine a piece she hasn’t worked on in a long time.

“Oh just last week. I barely had time to look for an apartment, and I feel like Kim’s about to throw me out from her couch if I don’t get moving soon.”

“Wait… so you’re staying? For good?”

Katya must have a hopeful look on her face because Trixie is grinning at her in the mirror, smoothing out blonde strands down Katya’s front after she’s taken off the glasses that rest in Katya’s fidgeting fingers.

“Oh yeah, I’ve had enough of Europe.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” She says, shrugging, both hands stopping on Katya’s shoulders, feeling warm even through the cape and the towel, burning Katya’s skin, “It was either leaving Germany for another European country, or returning here. None of the cities I visited felt like home enough so I figured coming back would be best, you know?”

“Oh yeah, I get that.”

“And I learned some cool stuff over there, so bringing it here makes my work more unique. If I stayed there, I’ve been doing the same thing everyone else does. Here- not so much.”

“So you came back to be a fancy European hairdresser in the middle of Boston.”

“Basically, yes.”

They both laugh and Katya closes her eyes when Trixie’s fingers find her scalp, splitting her hair down the middle.

“You grew out your bangs.” Trixie says, and only then do her eyes open again.

“Yeah, they didn’t know how to cut them the way you did so this was easier.”

“I told you not to go to Tammie before I left, Katya.”

“I didn’t come here actually, I cut my hair closer to where I work.”

“So Kim wasn't joking when she said you haven't been here since I left?”

"Nope."

"Oh."

“Yeah.”

 

Trixie digs through the drawer for a pair of scissors like Katya has seen her do a million times before, and smiles to herself.

“Do you want me to cut them again?”

“Yes, make me look like that _Atomic Bland Charlize Theron_ fantasy.”

Trixie’s shrieking laughter is louder than Katya remembers it, and it makes her laugh just as much as it always did.

“Okay Katya, one Atomic Bland haircut coming right up.”

 

Katya stays around the salon even after her hair is done, since apparently Trixie isn’t back working at the _Honey_ just yet, and officially starts Monday. It gives them time to go outside once the storm has passed, Katya smoking a cigarette and Trixie scrunching her nose at the smell.

“Anything new happening in Boston?”

A cloud of smoke puffs through Katya’s nostrils and she looks over at Trixie who’s leaned on the wall, watching her.

“No, not really. I don’t go out much, between yoga classes and working on my new portfolio, I barely have time for socializing.”

“Is Violet still around?”

“Oh yeah, she’s working at a modeling agency up north. She’s the one I bother when I need new portraits, and you know how much Violet loves having her photos taken.”

Trixie nods, and checks the phone that buzzes twice. Whatever it is on there, it makes her smile and suddenly Katya’s curious. It doesn’t last long because Trixie’s eyes are on her again, head tilted.

“So you’re finally chasing your photography dreams?”

“Yeah, figured now’s the good as time as any. I have a steady income from yoga and couple of photography gigs, so I started taking classes. I’m saving up for a new camera but I have to find a more affordable apartment now. Violet’s been offering we move in together, but I’ll see.”

The last sentence makes Trixie stand a bit straighter, and her teeth catch her bottom lip as if she’s deciding if it’s any of her business. Katya knows what the question is before Trixie can say it.

“What about Sharon?”

“Oh, that’s… we broke up. Six months ago.”

“Aw. I’m sorry, Katya.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s been a long time coming.”

 

Trixie still look sorry, and also looks like she’s about to reach out to touch Katya’s arm, but her phone buzzes and distracts her again. Katya says nothing but watches her instead, taking another drag of her cigarette.

“Anyway, there’s this club that my friend Craig works at, recently opened. Do you have any plans tonight? Maybe we can go, old times’ sake?”

Katya’s surprised how easily it comes out, even a little proud of herself. Her relationship with Sharon has destroyed her self-image, which she only became aware of months after break-up, and has to work on to this day. Ginger has suggested a therapist in those first couple of weeks, but Katya is yet to find a person she could open up to without feeling like crawling out of her skin.

“That sounds great Katya, but I can’t tonight.”

_Oh._

“I already made plans with some of the people here, and Bob’s going to kill me if I don’t call him up while he’s here. Raincheck?”

There is no reason for disappointment that tugs at her insides, Katya thinks, so she’s nodding and stubbing out her cigarette, pushing her glasses up her nose and finally exhales, smiling.

“Raincheck.”

.

.

.

 

Her temporary apartment is maybe half the size of her and Sharon’s old one, but feels empty even with shelves full of books and boxes of old clothes Katya has no interest or time unpacking. It seems even emptier without Salem, the little cat they adopted from the shelter together. Sharon went to live with her parents and they both agreed the cat would have a more stable life living in one place with two other cats Sharon’s parents owned. It was definitely better than being left alone with Sharon traveling all the time and Katya too. Katya had every intention of traveling around the country and taking up photography jobs as soon as her class is done and she has saved up a little.

Traveling seems like a distant future now, when she hops into the shower, and wishes she at least had the cat to keep her company, instead of half-eaten Chinese on the coffee table in front of the TV and Netflix playing FRIENDS reruns for the umpteenth time.

It’s past nine pm when she’s done looking through and editing the latest photos she’s taken of Violet. She looks stunning and reminds her of Dita Von Teese just to the right extent, which was the ultimate goal during the photoshoot they had the week before. Katya plops down on the worn out couch and props her feet on the coffee table, flexing her sore thighs from the intense yoga workout that morning and sends her favorite shots to Violet for feedback.

She finds herself opening Tinder as she takes a sip of the flat coke left over from that morning, scrunching her nose at the aftertaste it leaves in her mouth, scrolling lazily through newest messages without opening any of them. Every girl that pops up on the app is swiped left, as Katya barely pays attention to how they look or what they’ve written. It seems as if she’s looking for something  - _someone_ , and she pauses for a few seconds over every blonde with thick long hair and big tits.

_Would Trixie even have Tinder?_ Katya thinks as big **IT’S A MATCH!** flashes across her screen and she does absolutely nothing about. Trixie never talked about her love life in the first place, never mentioning any exes or her dating life. Katya knows she’s gay, but that’s about it. If Trixie found anyone in Germany – she wouldn’t have come back, would she? She didn’t mention anyone while cutting Katya’s hair or while standing with Katya outside of the salon while she smoked.

Why does Katya care if Trixie is single, anyway? It’s a thought that crosses her mind, but she doesn’t need to dig too deep to get the answer. She’s aware now, two years later, that she’s always had a small crush on her gorgeous, blonde hairdresser with the best sense of humor in the world. When she was with Sharon it was something she never wanted to admit to herself, but now… Her stomach flips at the possibility since Trixie is back. It’s probably just wishful thinking and boredom speaking, anyway.

Another message arrives on Tinder and she closes the app with a huff, opening Instagram instead. She has followed Trixie for a while now there, but aside from several landscape or animal photos from two years ago, she wasn’t on there at all. Twenty-seven notifications catch her attention and she thinks it’s probably people liking her latest headshot of Violet, and some of them are.

 

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

_trixie.mattel liked your post_

trixie.mattel, pin.up_dolls and 18 others started following you.

 

Katya blinks at the screen and notices that she is grinning, wondering how Trixie found her profile in the first place. She taps the username and finds that Trixie has a new profile, not the one that Katya was following, and this one is filled with photos from Trixie’s life in Europe. This Instagram is full of Berlin’s architecture, different foods, different faces of beautiful girls whose makeup and hair Trixie did, and only a handful of those with Trixie’s face. Katya finds out that Bob has visited Trixie in Berlin at least once, Tammie and Kim too, and suddenly wishes she could have done the same.

Her finger hovers over the Follow Back button only for a split second before she clicks it, then goes back to see that all the photos Trixie liked were not of Violet or any of the other models, but of Katya’s selfies, Salem and one of Katya by the pool, taken by Sharon over a year ago, standing in chakrasana pose.

Katya’s palms are sweaty when she closes instagram to breathe, then goes on Facebook to find three notifications:

 

Honey Salon _tagged you in a post._

_Violet Chachki, Ginger Minj and 75 other people reacted to a photo you are tagged in._

_1 friend request: Trixie Mattel_

 

The photo is of her new _Atomic Bland_ haircut, taken by the new girl with blue-green hair (whose name Katya forgot) as soon as Trixie was done earlier today. It looks amazing. There are no comments under it, but that’s where Trixie must have found her. She accepts the friend request and scrolls through Trixie’s profile, the only post from the past two months a check in to Boston Logan Airport a week before. Her stomach makes several somersaults when she goes through Trixie’s profile photos, the latest one in front of the Berlin Wall taken in August 2017, and likes it before she can overthink.

_Ding._

Katya feels butterflies explode in her stomach as she gets a Messenger notification and sees Trixie’s photo pop up. She immediately gets up, walks over to her small fridge, gets a new can of Coke, her spare pack of cigarettes, and sits next to the kitchen window so she can smoke. She is shit at texting, that much is sure. Would she and Trixie have things to talk about? Why is Trixie messaging her, didn’t she have plans tonight, why---

 

_You and Trixie Mattel are now connected on Messenger. Wave to say hello!_

Katya takes off her glasses and pinches the bridge of her nose, then rubs her eyes and with a groan realizes she still has some eyeshadow and mascara residue from the day. She is definitely ready for bed, so she smokes quickly, Messenger still open when she stubs out the cigarette and closes the window so the AC can make the hot summer night a bit more bearable. Her finger slips while she brushes her teeth, and Katya stares at the little _You waved at Trixie!,_ feeling like a teenage boy not knowing what to do about his first crush on the pretty girl from his class. Nothing happens even after she climbs gets into her queen sized bed, the only piece of furniture left from her and Sharon’s life. She tries to mentally will Trixie to do something, at least message her first but Trixie must be still out at this hour on a Saturday night.

Katya doesn’t know when she fell asleep, and the phone she held in her hand slipped and fell on the floor sometime during the night. She wakes up with a start some nine hours later, past 7:30am, woken up by the sunlight peeking through the heavy curtains. Her freshly cut short hair is sticking in all directions and clinging to her sweaty neck when she gets into the shower. It’s only halfway through her second cigarette and half a cup of coffee that she’s awake enough to remember what happened the night before. Fumbling through the discarded clothes on the floor, Katya pulls out her phone to find many instagram notifications and texts from Violet, before she opens Messenger with a little (1) next to Trixie’s photo.

 

_You and Trixie waved at each other!_

.

.

.

 

There are no notifications from Trixie for the rest of the Sunday, or the first half of the following week. Katya does nothing to message first, either, torn between being busy with photography classes, work, and worry that she’d make a complete ass of herself in front of Trixie. She has no idea how to flirt anymore, having been in a relationship for such a long time. All of her Tinder hookups did not involve a lot of talking, and Katya used it mostly to relieve the pent up frustration not even yoga or running could get out of her system. How young people get into relationships with only a set of emojis and snapchat exchanges these days, she has no idea. Even though she is only in her early 30s, Katya feels ancient.

It’s not like she doesn’t _have_ the ability to flirt, either, since her and Trixie’s banter felt organic even when she was nervous around her, but Katya being Katya, is worried she’d get too overbearing too soon for Trixie. They are both different people than they were two years ago, so she has no idea if they would hit it off as well as they used to, when Katya was still taken and Trixie was leaving for another continent. Talk about bad timing.

The situation, though more simple now, is also complicated because _what if Trixie turns her down_ and she is never able to step her foot into _Honey_ again, after just getting her favorite hairdresser back? Or what if she _doesn’t_ turn her down but then Katya is such a fuck up she disappoints Trixie, which would result in the same scenario of Katya having to find another place to cut her hair in again?

 

It’s a bit easier to focus on the present instead of ‘ _what ifs’_ four days later while she’s sitting in a park several blocks away from her apartment on a warm Wednesday afternoon. She’s working on her photography Facebook and Instagram pages for homework, laptop balancing on her knees and Subway sandwich half-forgotten on the bench beside her. Her browser shows twenty-five tabs open and Katya can feel the sweat forming on her forehead despite the shade and the light breeze, wondering when the rainfall would start today and force her to go into one of the nearby cafés. It always got unbearably humid right before the storm, and every single day this week has been the same.

One of her tabs _pings_ a facebook notification. Katya hopes it’s more people responding to her page invitation and she quickly pulls it up it to check. Instead of people liking her page, she’s gotten an invitation for an event happening in Boston that Friday. It’s from Trixie.

 

_DJ PEARL LIAISON joins the lineup for the biggest LGBTQIA+ party in town! Bring your friends! All ticket proceedings will go to raising HIV awareness and fund housing of youth living with AIDS!_

 

_Trixie Mattel is going. Violet and 3 other friends are interested in this event._

Katya stares at her name and wonders whether this is a mass invitation Trixie has sent, or if it’s a personal thing, an attempt to connect with Katya without making it awkward? But Trixie isn’t awkward at all, Katya thinks, Trixie is always open and loud and says what she thinks. Katya’s not breathing as she opens the messenger app, deciding to do a second daring thing within seven days. Talk about living dangerously. She vehemently ignores the dumb ‘wave’ exchange and types before her overthinking mind can stop her.

 

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _Hey Tracy, ‘sup?_

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _I saw the invitation you just sent_

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _Are you going?_

 

Okay, that wasn’t painful at all, Katya thinks as she hurriedly switches the tab and goes back to looking at designs she’d use for her business card. The messenger notification is instant, the little _ding_ going off on her phone and browser at the same time.

 

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _Katie! thought you’d never ask  ;)_

 

Katya watches the dots hopping in the chat window, painfully aware that Trixie is calling her out on this radio silence ever since they connected on social media.

 

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _Yeah, a bunch of people I know are going :D :D :D_

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _Do you want to come? :)_

 

The excess use of emojis makes Katya laugh, but she replies immediately.

 

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _Sure!_

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _Great, I saw Violet’s interested too, bring her along :D_

 

Katya sighs, staring at the message. If Trixie wants her to bring a friend, this can’t be a date. But, why is she thinking about dates? For all she knows, Trixie is just being nice and is excited to be in contact with her again. As a **friend**. Maybe it’s better that Katya brings Violet, after all, since Trixie mentioned _a bunch of people_ and Katya is anything but comfortable being in a group where she only knows one person.

 

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _Violet probably knows this entire lineup, so I’m sure she’ll go. We’ll be there._

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _:D :) :D_

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _Great! see you Friday, Zamo :* :* :*_

**_Katya Zamolodchikova:_ ** _See ya!_

**_Katya Zamolodchikova_ ** _: :*_

Katya is about to log out of Facebook immediately, deciding it would be best to leave the pages for tomorrow, knowing she will not be able to focus fully on task at hand now. She’ll be seeing Trixie, again, in a casual setting after almost two years. There will be dancing, and drinks, and Violet will probably be busy with pretty girls flocking to her, so anything could happen. She feels her excitement beat against her ribcage, and when another notification comes, she can feel it in the tips of her fingers too.

 

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _Btw, give me your number so we can find each other easily on Friday?_

**_Trixie Mattel:_ ** _We’ll be there around 11:00pm_

 

As Katya sends her phone number to Trixie and packs her laptop and sandwich, she looks towards the dark clouds that are gathering and smiles. Things might be looking up after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think's gonna happen next? Comment below or come yell about it on tumblr at [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I had time to create fake instagram profiles for these two morons so if you want to see what they look like, click [here](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/post/178222282196/trixies-instagram-for-twist-of-fate) for Trixie and [here](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/post/178222366931/katyas-instagram-for-twist-of-fate) for Katya.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya wishes she had a date with her hot hairdresser, but wouldn’t say that out loud, for fear of having Violet on her case about it for the rest of the night. She’s already had issues not blushing when she told her that Trixie’s back and is the main reason her hair and bangs are short again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second update this week? Maybe I'm spoiling all of you, or maybe I've been so excited for this chapter that I had to put it on paper ASAP. 
> 
> Comments and feedback are welcome, as always! Shoutout to all of you who commented and talked to me about it so far!
> 
> I am aware that some people haven't been able to see Trixie and Katya's instagrams on mobile, so here are the fixed links: click [here](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/post/178222282196/trixies-instagram-for-twist-of-fate) for Trixie and [here](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/post/178222366931/katyas-instagram-for-twist-of-fate) for Katya.
> 
> Since Pearl actually has her own music, I used it as the inspiration for this chapter. Thanks Kate (@katelita)! Trixie dancing with Katya has [this song](https://open.spotify.com/track/7AQVVhQzHSHn9l7Ij1Mz7m) in the background, and when they all dance together, it's [this one](https://open.spotify.com/track/0xwIWhDOLy625vie3EGTah).

 

“I didn’t see you like this in a long time. Are you sure that last cup of coffee wasn’t too much for your skinny ass?”

Violet is sitting on Katya’s old couch, legs tucked under her elbow propped on the back, watching Katya come out with the fourth outfit that evening. It’s almost time to leave for the event and she has _nothing_ to wear.

“Oh shut up. How long did it take you to look like _that_ before you came over?”

 

Katya’s best friend is sitting there looking like a goddess, as always. Even in long, loose black pants her legs look amazing, and the emerald corset clings perfectly to her thin torso. With her hair pulled back in a ponytail, she looks effortlessly beautiful, and Katya doesn’t know whether she wants to bang her or envy her. Maybe a little bit of both.

“I literally just put on the first thing I found. But no, I’m serious bitch, since when are you obsessing over the color of your dress?” There’s a gasp then, making Katya turn away from staring herself in the mirror and back at Violet.

“Wait-- do you have a date? Did Katya Zamo finally _meet_ someone? You never go to these things. Is a _girl_ making you go?”

Typical _Violetta_. She’s been set on finding Katya a girlfriend ever since they stopped dating each other in college, and at the same time discovering no one Katya dated was good enough for her. Violet was four years younger and they met in one of Katya’s art classes, hitting it off immediately. Their relationship was short, mostly sexual, and it ended up evolving into a friendship based on mutual understanding and never-ending support.

Violet believed in Katya when she went to rehab for her alcohol addiction post-college, believed in her when she had one dead-end, low-paying job after another, supported her when she finally bought her first professional camera and insisted Katya take all of her pro shots, despite photographers lining up to work with her. She was the first one who told her Sharon was a piece of shit who did not treat Katya right, and the first one who came running in the middle of the night when Katya called her after Sharon packed her bags and left.

Despite being hot-headed, arrogant and a bit of a narcissist, all qualities many people find off-putting, Katya loves her very much and knows her big ass heart is in the right place. Even though she’s not in town five months out of the year, she’s been Katya’s rock throughout the last year of her and Sharon’s relationship, and after it ended, too, even more so than Ginger.

 

“Fuck off, I don’t have a date. I just—I don’t know. I miss being around people and loud music. I miss going out with you, bitch, even though you always leave me for a threesome whenever we do.”

Katya _wishes_ she had a date with her hot hairdresser, but wouldn’t say that out loud, for fear of having Violet on her case about it for the rest of the night. She’s already had issues _not_ blushing when she told her that Trixie’s back and is the main reason her hair and bangs are short again.

Violet’s face falls in disappointment at the answer but takes a sip of her mojito and shrugs, not looking sorry at all.

“Girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do. There’s going to be a lot of agency girls you know tonight, Fame, Shea, Naomi. They’re all coming to see Pearl’s set. She’s like this, _huge_ DJ from the West Coast. I heard she even toured around Europe and Australia. The lesbians go insane wherever she goes.”

Katya laughs, discards another black dress and fixes her hair instead. She’s been walking around the apartment in her underwear for an hour and a half now, ever since she got out of the shower and blow dried her bob straight.

“You know lesbians love hot DJs, Vi. Didn’t you date one last year?”

“Yeah, I still have fond memories of her ass when I get lonely.”

Katya wheezes and smacks Violet’s knee as she passes by her and disappears into the bedroom again.

“Wait, I know!”

She hears Violet yell after her and hears her shuffling as she gets off of the couch and walks into the bedroom, pushing Katya a little bit to the side to take a look at her messy closet.

“Oh god.” Katya laughs, but lets Violet dig through her clothes and sits on the bed instead, watching her. It doesn’t take long for her to find what she was looking for, and soon enough she’s holding a lace bralette Katya hasn’t worn in years and a pair of black shorts to match – she is fairly sure Violet was the one who bought this for her birthday ages ago.

 

“Here, put that on. Do you still have those red shoes? You should get them and--- this.” She pulls out a black lace see-through button up and puts it on the bed gingerly, grinning.

“You’re going to look smoking hot in that. Now hurry up, we’re going to be late for Pearl.”

.

.

.

 

The line outside of the club is _huge_ – it stretches out for an entire block and Katya thinks that lesbians (and gay men, and everyone in between) are going insane over this Pearl girl. She’s curious to see her now and to hear her set, and at the same time nervous because _Trixie_ is going to be there. When Violet went to the bathroom to touch up her makeup while still in her apartment, Katya spent five minutes staring at her own abs from all angles, exposed through the see-through shirt. She thanked yoga for keeping her in shape, and was actually a little impressed at how long her legs looked in the outfit Violet chose.

Once they parked the car and headed for the entrance, Violet saying they would let her in once they recognized her, Katya’s phone buzzed and she dug it up from the little purse Violet made her carry with her.

 

 **_Unknown:_ ** _Hey Katya, it’s Trixie :D_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _We’re already inside, table reserved close to the bar_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _Bob put you and Violet on the list so just tell the bouncers_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _See you soon!_

 

The message is followed by a string of flower emojis and Katya showed the message to Violet, who grinned.

“Bob coming through as usual, I love that guy.”

Katya is too excited to tell her that it was probably Trixie who insisted they were put on the guest list, and says nothing until after they are let through.

 

“Violet! Katya! Finally!”

 

Pairs of hands grab each of them by the wrist in the dimly lit room, purple lights flashing to the rhythm of the music Katya has never heard before, and it takes her eyes a moment or two to adjust. She really should have just gone with glasses instead of her contacts, but Violet insisted. Katya is sure that her friend wants her to get laid tonight.

Two pairs of hands that stopped them belonged to Shea and Courtney, both from Violet’s modeling agency, both tall and gorgeous, and Katya is suddenly glad she dressed the way she did. They take turns in hugging both of them; complimenting Katya’s hair, Violet’s outfit and telling them they arrived just in time for the party.

“We were late because Katya took forever to decide on an outfit, so I ended up doing it for her.”

“Girl, you did an amazing job. Katya, you look _stunning!_ ”

 

She doesn’t remember Courtney having an Australian accent, mostly because they met only once, briefly, when Katya did a job with Violet and Fame several weeks before. She remembers Shea better, because Shea insisted on Katya joining them for lunch, saying she reminded her of her Russian girlfriend, Sasha, who was on a world tour traveling with her theatre troupe. Shea is the one complimenting her now, leaning back a little to take a good look at her outfit.

 

“Court’s right, you’re definitely giving me a Black Widow spy realness here. You should be _in_ the photos with us next time.”

Katya’s laughing and waving her hands in protest.

“Hell no, I’m the one _making_ art happen and I’d like it to stay that way, thank you very much.”

“I’m not sure about that, I bet you’d be a great model.”

“In Russia, maybe.”

“Well you know, you gotta start somewhere.”

They’re all laughing and for a moment Kaya forgets that she’s supposed to be nervous about Trixie. It doesn’t take them long to reach the bar and order drinks, cocktails for the three of them and a soda for Katya.

 

“Vi? I’m going to find Trixie and her friends, thank her for letting us know about the list. You coming?”

“I’ll come by later. Pearl’s set is starting soon and I _really_ want to see her up close. If you know what I mean.”

Katya wheeze laughs, and Shea and Courtney join her too. Violet is known among her friends for having a thing for DJs and musicians in general, so having her at least _flirt_ with Pearl sometime during the night would hardly come as a surprise to anyone.

“You can try, girl, but I hear she has a girlfriend she met on the road this year. Apparently they’ve been together since January.”

“Shea, since when has that stopped her from getting laid?”

 

Katya can hear them bantering about Violet’s sexscapades even after she walks away, making her way through the crowd, looking for one particular blonde head, her drink gripped firmly in her hand. She sees her before Trixie even looks her way, and reluctantly has to acknowledge the butterflies acting up in her gut again. Sweat is already forming on the back of her neck and she’s blowing the bangs from her eyes, _praying_ that she still looks semi-decent, despite the stuffy air and nerves.

“Katya!” Their eyes meet just when the host walks on stage to announce Pearl, and Katya knows she has a very small window for conversation before the place erupts. “You made it!”

“Yeah, I tried! How are you?”

“I’m great, yeah. Katya, these are my friends, Shangela and you know Adore, right?”

Adore, _yes,_ that’s the name of the girl who took the photo of her haircut back at the salon the week before.

“Hey girl, looking fine!” Adore yells over the host’s voice when she pulls Katya into a hug, which surprises her a little but she hugs back all the same. She looks _young,_ younger than Trixie, and gives off a grunge vibe that Katya approves of immediately. Her voice is slightly drawn out; just as she remembers from the first time she met her.

“You too!” Katya says, aware that Trixie’s eyes are on her.

“Oh you’re the Atomic Bland girl they put up on Facebook, right?” Shangela hugs her next and Katya reciprocates. She is a tiny, compact woman with a blindingly beautiful smile and hair that reaches past her waist. Even in heels, she is smaller than Katya, but her energy definitely makes up for her height.

“Is everyone calling me that now?” Katya asks, eyes wide and grin wider, glancing over at Trixie.

“Hey, you came up with that yourself. I’m giving your brand the recognition it deserves.” Trixie shoots back, and Katya isn’t nervous anymore. This feels right, and _easy_ , and she has not been this relaxed in a public setting in a painfully long time.

 

Any other attempt at communication is drowned by the crowd once Pearl walks on stage, and the club _explodes_ with girls (and boys) everywhere shouting her name and whistling, making Katya wonder how on earth she never heard about her before. Not that she was necessarily immersed into the pop culture that much, not even the LGBTQ+ one, sticking to the 70s, 80s and early 90s obscure music, but every single person in this place seemed to know exactly who Pearl Liaison was, making Katya, once again, feel like a grandmother. As soon as the music starts playing, everyone rushes to the dancefloor, and judging by the genre, it’s easier to pinpoint why she didn’t know about her in the first place.

She left her tolerance for electronic music go when she graduated college and stopped drinking, but even she has to admit that Pearl is _good._ She commands the room so easily, and the way she holds herself reminds of days when Violet preformed burlesque, full of confidence and full of love for her audience. It helps that she is _hot as hell_ , too, platinum blonde hair tied up into two buns on top of her head and makeup so good even under the harsh clubbing lights. It’s no wonder whatsoever why she’s so loved by every single girl in this place.

“Holy shit she’s good!” Katya yells over the music, leaning over to Trixie and Trixie nods, sipping on her vodka soda (or so Katya assumes), her hips swaying to the music a little bit.

“Girl, I wanna dance!” Adore yells from the other side of the table and Shangela agrees, taking her hand and pulling her into the crowd that’s somehow even bigger than it was five minutes ago. Katya wants to ask Trixie to dance too, but she is somehow _still_ unsure how Trixie will react if she suggests it.

 

“Do you want to dance?” Trixie seems to be reading her mind again, and a slight shiver goes down her spine when she feels those pink lips so close to her ear, and Katya’s nodding without a second thought. They leave all of their things with the bartender that Trixie seems to know (who does Trixie _not_ know, Katya wonders) and head to find either Adore and Shangela or Violet and the rest of her gang, Katya’s goosebumps _permanent_  when Trixie takes her hand and tugs her along.

They don’t find any of their friends and after a while they stop looking. This close to the stage Katya can barely hear herself _think,_ which might be a good thing after all, seeing Trixie’s cleavage up close like this, pale, soft flesh glistening with sweat as she dances right across Katya with her eyes closed, feeling the music with her entire body.

Katya dances too, but her eyes don’t leave Trixie’s face looking angelic under the strobe lights that pulse with the music and the bodies moving all around them. She can _feel_ the beat in her ears, her throat and deep behind her ribs, thinking briefly about how _good_ dancing to this music must feel to people who took things stronger than alcohol tonight. It makes her sober ass exhilarated now; though Katya’s sure it’s not just the music making her feel this way.

Trixie’s long, blonde hair is suddenly in her face as she turns her back to her, hips swaying and slightly grinding against Katya’s front, and she has the urge to howl. There’s no reluctance in her fingers that move to grip Trixie’s hips, letting them guide her own steadily, and just when she thinks she might die and ascend to heaven, there’s a voice in her ear, yelling.

“Hey bitches, having fun?”

Trixie pulls away from her immediately, her face beet red from what Katya assumes is the heat, and Violet is grinning that teasing, shit-eating grin Katya recognizes very well.

 

“Where the hell have you been?” Katya yells back as loud as she can while Violet hugs Trixie, trying to appear _fine_ and not turned on at all, but the look on Violet’s face tells her that she’ll have to go to the washroom and fix her face as soon as possible.

“Up front!” Violet yells back, her glare drilling inside Katya’s head, as if mutely asking what it is she interrupted just now. Katya blinks at her innocently, so she rolls her eyes and continues. “Fame and Naomi were asking for you, do you want to join us?”

Katya is tempted to say no but she doesn’t want to prompt Violet to ask _more_ questions than she undoubtedly will the moment she catches her alone, so she looks at Trixie instead. Trixie is looking at Pearl who just switched the songs and smiled at the crowd, dancing to the beat of her own music, and then looks back at Violet.

“Sure! I have no idea where Adore and Shangela are, I’ll have to find them later!”

“Adore, the blue-haired chick? Yeah, they’re with us, she did Shea’s hair for the photoshoot this week!”

 

They make their way to the larger group, with a little bit of trouble, when the beat changes to something softer and easier to dance to. Naomi and Fame pull Katya into a hug and are introduced to Trixie. Soon after they are all dancing together, making Katya think how _much_ she missed being surrounded by a lot of girls. A lot of _friends,_ too _,_ just having fun and not thinking about anything past that night. Trixie doesn’t come as close to her for the rest of the set.

At one point during the night and towards the end of Pearl’s set that has lasted more than two hours, half of the group breaks apart to get more drinks and retrieve Trixie’s, Katya’s, Shangela’s and Adore’s things from the bartender and move them to the models’ booth, half remains to hang around on the dancefloor, and Katya goes to pee and fix the makeup that is undoubtedly melting off of her face at this point.

She is aware that everything _will_ hurt from all the dancing in the morning, but her mood has been at the all-time high for _hours_. She happily recalls a moment when Naomi wrapped her arms around her neck and danced closer to her than even Trixie did, and the way Trixie’s eyes followed their every single move, and the way she quickly looked away when she noticed Katya looking back.

Katya feels like she’s deaf once the ladies’ bathroom door closes behind her, and can feel her own pulse in every inch of her skin. Once in the stall, she hears the door open again and finds herself wishing it’s Trixie.

 

It’s Violet.

 

“So when were you gonna tell me you’re in love with Trixie Mattel?”

_Here we go._

Violet’s perfectly shaped eyebrow is quirked, arms crossed on her chest as she leans on the bathroom counter, watching Katya wash her hands.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh bitch, you’re telling me that dry humping and eye fucking the entire night was _nothing_?”

Her words are slurred and Katya realizes that for those two hours she has forgotten that other people _drink._ Not needing to drink to have fun seemed like a _possibility_ for the first time tonight after years of dreading of going back to places where she’s the only sober one. Trixie has been drinking the entire night too, even stumbled over Katya’s foot as she headed back to the bar.

“We’re just friends, Vi, it’s not that serious.”

“When was the last time you danced like that with _me,_ your _best friend?_  I call bull. shit. _”_

Katya laughs at the whining tone and shakes her head, turning to face the other.

“Oh _that’s_ what this is about. You’re jealous.”

 

She should know better than try to deflect. Violet probably knows her better than Katya knows herself, and is currently having none of it.

 

“Whatever makes you sleep at night, honey. But I’d say you should definitely go for it. Now give me a hug.”

Katya holds the embrace for couple of moments longer and Violet squeezes her back before heading for one of the stalls.

“Are you okay by yourself in there?” Katya calls when she hears Violet fumbling with her pants on the other side of the door.

“I’m fine! I’ll go backstage to look for Pearl, she’s almost done. You go be with your girlfriend!”

Katya wants to protest but that’s a futile battle with a tipsy, determined Violet, so she just pushes the door and goes to find the rest of the group.

 

Almost everyone is sitting at the private booth, some of them on their phones, others talking to each other, and Fame is on some boy’s lap, laughing at whatever he’s saying in her ear. It takes her one look to notice that Trixie is not here, or Adore for that matter, so she sits next to Shangela who pushes a new bottle of Coca Cola her way.

“You okay, girl?” Shangela looks up from her phone and at her and Katya nods.

“You?”

“Oh yeah. I’m texting Adore’s girlfriend, Bianca, she’s on her way here to surprise Adore.”

Katya looks around to see that the majority of the crowd has gone back to their seats, only a handful most persistent ones still on the dance floor. DJ Pearl’s spot on the stage is empty now, the music coming from the speakers probably a part of a club’s regular playlist.

“Isn’t she a little late for the party? Where’s Adore anyway?”

She actually wants to ask where Trixie is, but if Violet saw right through her immediately, she doesn’t want one of _Trixie’s_ friends to clock her too.

“Bianca’s a stand-up comedian, traveling around the country a lot this time of year, and Adore had no idea she’s back, she just flew in this evening.  That’s why it took her forever to come here. Adore’s probably outside, smoking. She’s found her _weed_ friends so...”

Shangela motions dragging a smoke from the blunt and Katya laughs, thinking how she could use a cigarette too. She decides to stay to see where Trixie is and get her to go outside with her so they can talk properly.

 

Trixie doesn’t come back for a while, and Katya uses the time to talk to Shea who comes to sit next to her when Shangela goes to the bar to wait for Bianca. Shea talks to her about her portfolio, Shea’s girlfriend Sasha and her theatre troupe, yoga and everything in between. She has no idea how much time has passed when she sees Violet running in her high heels across the dance floor and hears a group of girls’ delighted screams when they spot Pearl coming from backstage right after Violet.

“That bitch.” Shea shakes her head, looking at Violet’s face when she struggles to pass through a group of Pearl’s fans, her eyes landing on Katya and she darts her way.

“Did you bang her backstage you fucking sl---“ Shea starts but Violet cuts her off with her hand raised as she squeezes into the booth besides Katya, sandwiching her with Shea on the other side.

“You’re never going to believe who Pearl is dating.” She says, but Katya isn’t listening or looking at her.

 

Katya is looking at Trixie who’s on the dance floor now too, phone in her hand, taking a photo of Pearl and two girls, all three of them raising two of their fingers in a ‘peace’ sign. The girls take the phone from Trixie’s hand and giggle, then walk away, and suddenly Pearl’s in Trixie’s personal space.

Katya doesn’t want to register what Violet is saying as she sees Trixie’s arms wrap around Pearl’s neck, she doesn’t want to acknowledge Trixie’s lop-sided smile or the way Pearl’s arms hug her small waist and pull her close. She feels heart (or is it bile?) rise up her throat when their lips meet and a round of _‘awwwwww’s_ erupts from the onlookers. She only barely registers Fame who came back and took a spot next to Shea and Katya looks away only when she hears her speak.

 

“Am I the only one seeing Pearl Liaison kissing Trixie Mattel right now?”

.

.

.

 

Katya is outside only moments later, and she hears a startled yell from her right, only to realize she’s probably banged the back door open. Outside, away from the music, it must have been loud.

“Katya, you scared the living _hell_ out of me!”

Adore’s bambi eyes are big, and blood shot, but she’s smiling at her anyway and comes over to hug her tightly. Katya hugs her back hesitantly at first, but relaxes a little bit when Adore continues hugging her drunkenly, and for a full minute Katya thinks Adore might have fallen asleep on her shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Katya rasps, surprised she didn’t throw up instead, rubbing Adore’s back gently and trying to blink away the image of Trixie kissing the most beautiful DJ in the world.

“Oh yeah, ‘m fiiiiiiine. A lil' drunk.” Adore draws out and finally pulls back, the lack of her body heat leaving Katya shudder, and not entirely because of the chilly night air.

“You sure?”

“Mhmm. Just had a smoke with some people and had to stay, fresh air, all that. What about you? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“I’m okay, I just needed a smoke.”

Her hands are shaking as she lights up the cigarette after Adore refused one for herself, and her breath is shaky as she exhales the smoke, trying to remember any of the breathing exercises her past therapists taught her.

“Is Pearl done?” Adore asks, and Katya feels her stomach drop to her ass at hearing the name.

“Yep, just saw her with Trixie and the fans.”

Adore nods and blinks once, twice, and then her eyes widen in a delayed reaction. If Katya wasn't as pissed, or as miserable, she would have laughed.

“Ohhhhhh, right. You sure you’re okay?”

 

Several things happen in Katya’s head then. Adore is _Trixie’s_ friend, she realizes, so she probably knew all this time that Trixie had a famous DJ for a girlfriend. It’s probably the reason all of them are here, because she _knows_ Trixie doesn’t listen to electro, and Adore _definitely_ doesn’t look like she listens to anything but Nirvana. They’ve all come here to support Trixie’s girlfriend, and Katya has made an ass out of herself, flirting with Trixie, and holding her hand and dancing close to her to the music Trixie’s _girlfriend_ was playing.

The way Adore looks at her now makes her think that she has somehow _clocked_ her feelings, because if Violet has done it, everyone else must have too, and now Adore feels sorry for her and Katya can’t stand it.

“Yeah, I’m good.” It comes out a bit sharp, and she feels bad about it immediately.

Her hand reaches out to squeeze Adore’s wrist gently, knowing the younger girl will forget all about Katya’s trouble as soon as she sees her girlfriend who’s somewhere inside, waiting to surprise her.

“You know what, Shangela was looking for you by the bar, she says she has something urgent to tell you. I think you should go back inside.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It’s good, I promise.”

Katya manages a grin and even a laugh as Adore hugs her one more time and practically runs inside. She’s a good person, Katya thinks, and good people deserve good things happen to them. What was that bad that she, Katya, put out into the universe for it to treat her this way, she has no idea.

 

 **_Katya:_ ** _I’m going home, I’m tired._

 **_Katya:_ ** _Can you pick up my stuff and bring it over tomorrow?_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _heu btch, f cuorse_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _r u k?_

 **_Katya:_ ** _yeah, just tired. You ok with taking an Uber?_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _ys_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _gna go with Fame n Shea_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _I’m sry_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _fr Trxiie_

 **_Katya:_ ** _Good. Talk to you tomorrow. Text me when you get home_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _u to bitch_

 **_Violetta:_ ** _love yuo_

 

Katya feels like she will definitely throw up once she gets home. She fights to hold it back the entire drive back but once she gets back to her small, shitty apartment, all she can do is take off her boots and put her almost-dead phone to charge. She texts Violet only when she’s in bed, an hour later, having smoked half a packet of cigarettes and still fully clothed, staring at the ceiling and assuming she will never sleep again.

 

 **_Katya:_ ** _Got home safely. I love you too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know... I hate me too. Come talk about it on tumblr at [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com)?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya is grateful Violet doesn’t mention Trixie or Pearl throughout the afternoon, though she does look at her from the corner of her eye when she thinks Katya isn’t paying attention. Violet isn’t usually a person who doesn’t talk things through, at least with her, so she assumes it’s mostly because Vi is too hungover and struggling with yoga poses to be talking about anything emotionally draining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the adventure begins, hold on tight everybody!
> 
> As usual, thank you for all your comments and kudos, they mean a lot to me.

When Katya asked the universe to make her life more interesting, this wasn’t exactly what she had in mind.

 

She remembers a quote from Sharon’s self-help book she read after they broke up, which said something about people not being able to control their destiny but being able to influence how they react to it. It is the only thing that stuck from that book, considering she threw it out with the rest of things her ex-girlfriend left behind.

Controlling how she reacts to the fiasco that was the party is _exactly_ what she does now, deciding not to spend her entire Sunday _wallowing_ in just how _pathetic_ her love life is, and focus on the other love of her life – photography. She put several assignments on hold because she was too focused on Trixie and they now waited for her on the coffee table when she stumbled out of her bed and into the living room sometimes after 9 a.m., having gotten barely five hours of sleep.

It didn’t help that several text messages greeted her as soon as she opened her eyes and squinted at her phone, two from Violet who messaged her when she arrived home, one from her photography teacher reminding her of Facebook and Instagram pages she has yet to finish, and four from Trixie.

 

 **_Unknown:_ ** _Hey, Violet told me you left because you weren’t feeling well :(_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _Adore said she saw you outside after the set, I’m sorry I missed you_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _I hope you’re feeling better today, thank you for coming. :) :) :)_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _:* :* :* Talk soon. -Trix_

Katya realized that she hadn’t saved Trixie’s number the night before, and decided it was best not to do it that morning, since there was no reason for it, really. Once she decides to get a haircut, she will just contact Latrice through Facebook, like she always does.

She doesn’t reply to the message, either, deciding it’s for the best not to look at her phone for at least couple of hours and focus on her work, even a bit proud of herself for not checking instagram that showed nothing short of 25 notifications. She’d deal with that eventually.

Hours later, the papers and print-outs are scattered everywhere around the coffee table, in front of the TV, and are everywhere around her on the couch and under her laptop. The ashtray is filled with half-smoked and stubbed out cigarettes, but the heavy weight in her stomach is lighter. If anything, Katya could always count on her work to make her feel better, busier, distracted from everything else that might be going to shit at the moment. She works better under pressure too, and she is finishing up her last assignment just as her phone rings, discarded and forgotten somewhere on the other side of the room.

 

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” Katya laughs once she picks up the phone, seeing that it’s little past three, and realizing she hasn’t had a single thing since last night.

A groan from the other side that sounds just a little bit like Violet greets her back.

“Did you really stay out until 8 am, you crazy bitch? How are you even alive right now?”

“You’re too loud, Katya. Tone it down.”

The exasperation in Violet’s voice makes her laugh and she reaches for another cigarette, figuring it’s better to smoke this one by the window, desperate for some fresh air now that she is finally aware of her surroundings.

“How’s your head, Vi?”

“Let’s just say I want to murder whoever invented vodka, and wine, and made me mix them both.”

“That’s a lot of people to kill.”

“I’m determined, bitch. What are you doing right now?”

“Just finished work.”

“Do you want to go do some yoga, grab some food after? I’m bored and in pain.”

“Sure. I’ll pick you up in half an hour?”

“You’re a saint. See you soon.”

 

Katya is grateful Violet doesn’t mention Trixie or Pearl throughout the afternoon, though she does look at her from the corner of her eye when she thinks Katya isn’t paying attention. Violet isn’t usually a person who _doesn’t_ talk things through, at least with her, so she assumes it’s mostly because Vi is too hungover and struggling with yoga poses to be talking about anything emotionally draining. Katya is grateful, even when Violet doesn’t bring up the night before aside from how all the girls from the model agency just went to Fame’s apartment and continued drinking. How any of them manage to look stunning after those kinds of nights, Katya has no idea. For her, one longer night out means looking like a rotting corpse for two weeks afterward. Must be the genes and nothing to do with the fact inhales more smoke than factory workers back in the day, she thinks.

 

“I’m proud of you, you didn’t sulk a lot today.”

They are sitting in Katya’s car, in the parking lot of Violet’s apartment building, after the sun has already set and it’s incredibly humid despite the absence of the rainfall for the first time that week.

“What are you talking about? I’m not sulking. I don’t sulk.”

The look that Violet gives her makes her burst out laughing.

“What! I don’t sulk!”

“Did she text you after last night?”

“Who?”

“My aunt from Brussels, you know who. Trixie.”

Katya _really_ doesn’t want to be talking about this right now, but figures it’s easier to just get it out of the way in hopes of Violet _finally_ letting it go if she’s convincing enough.

“Yep. She thanked me for coming to the party.”

“Wow. Did you reply?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“What would I say? You’re welcome, thank you for letting me flirt and making a complete fool out of myself when your girlfriend was just right there and you didn’t even think to mention her to me in all this time since you came back from Europe?”

Her mouth is running before she can stop it and Violet just looks at her solemnly, like she has been expecting the outburst the entire day. Katya sometimes hates how easily she can read her.

“I was right. You _do_ like her. What are you gonna do about it?”

It’s Katya’s turn to give a _look._

“What am I gonna do? Nothing! She has a famous, gorgeous girlfriend who makes her happy. There’s nothing I can do.”

“Oh there are a lot of things to do---“

“Just leave it be, Vi. If Trixie is happy, I’m happy for her.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Whatever it is, I’m over it. It’s a crush, it will go away. It’s not like I’ll see either of them that often. Okay? Just leave it be.”

“… Fine. I’ll be here if you need to talk about it.”

“Thanks.”

.

.

.

 

Katya’s phone rings early next morning, startling her awake, and she nearly falls off the bed in a hurry, scrambling for her glasses and her phone. One look at the screen and she sees it’s barely eight and an unknown number is calling her. She clears her throat, finds that it’s hurting, and promises herself not to go through two packets of smokes like she did yesterday.

The call turns out to be from Michelle Visage, one of the managers of Violet’s agency, who got her number from Violet and is asking her to come in around eight the following day. She has a job she wants to discuss with her, if Katya has enough time in her schedule. Katya accepts without a second thought since she has absolutely no photography jobs in sight in the following three weeks.

The fact that she gets to work again with an agency like Michelle’s _and_ models like Fame, Shea and Naomi keeps her in high spirits all day, good mood that not even an instagram story Trixie posted can diminish.

Not as much as one would expect, at least. The story includes a series of photos of Trixie and Pearl spending the Monday afternoon in the park, taken by Pearl. They show Trixie smelling flowers, Trixie holding flowers that Pearl had gotten for her, and a selfie of the two of them, Pearl’s long, blonde hair falling down Trixie’s front since she has leaned her head on Trixie’s shoulder, with a _reunited_ hashtag.

With unease, annoyance and excitement in tow, it’s a wonder she can fall asleep early that night and wake up even an hour before her alarm goes off the next morning.

.

.

.

 

Michelle greets her in her office at nine a.m. sharp, and Katya is a little shaky after having two coffees in the past three hours, but her grin is wide and her camera bag is ready.

“Thank you for coming in, Katya, I know it was on short notice.”

“No no, don’t worry about it, I’m glad you called!”

Michelle smiles warmly at her, and Katya remembers Violet telling her how _motherly_ and protective she is of all of her girls, and that she is one of the main reasons most of them are still in Boston and not relocating to L.A. or New York yet.

“I know you did a great job with Fame and Violet some time back, and they all love working for you, so I thought you’d be a perfect fit for this. I’ve been wanting to organize something for this charity organization that involves LGBTQ+ and minorities, and what better way to do that than use our girls’ talents - and yours – to do that.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. I’ve even gotten a well-known name on board, so it should be nothing short of a success.”

“Yeah, of course. Are you sure you don’t want someone with more experience to work on that, though?”

Katya laughs at her own self-deprecating words to show that she’s joking, though in truth she is _very_ flattered.

“I can find any pro photographer to work with models of this caliber, but this is a charity thing we’re doing today and I’d rather have someone I trust with us. You will be compensated, of course. Are you in?”

“Hell yes I’m in! Who’s the celebrity?”

Michelle smiles wider and stands up, Katya following immediately.

“You’ve probably heard of her, she’s pretty famous around here, or so I hear from the girls. Pearl Liaison?”

 

When Katya asked the universe to make her life more exciting, this **_definitely_** wasn’t what she had in mind.

 

“Yeah, I’m – familiar with her music.”

“Great! Pearl’s here today, you ladies should meet and maybe have some trial shots before the real thing?”

“Of course. No problem.”

“Awesome! Let’s go find her.”

 

When Katya sees Pearl standing in the studio, leaned on the wall and flipping through her phone casually, some of the bitterness from Saturday night returns. Yet she can’t deny, regardless of the irrational jealousy, that Pearl is fucking _beautiful._ Today her long, straight blonde hair falls down to her elbow, swept over one shoulder, and her dress is long and flowy, hugging her lanky body _just right_ and showing off her tatted, toned arms. If not for the entire situation with Trixie, Katya would have understood Violet wanting to fuck her, but now it just makes her all the more miserable.

Pearl barely needs any makeup to look flawless, her skin basically _glowing_ under the bright lights of the room. When Michelle calls for her, she looks up, and Katya finds that her eyes are as blue as the ocean around one of those exotic islands and groans internally.

“Pearl! I’d like you to meet our photographer I told you about, Katya. She’s worked with my girls before and she’s amazing. Katya, this is Pearl.”

When Pearl shakes her hand and smiles, Katya can’t help but wonder if Trixie ever mentioned her to her girlfriend at all. And if she did – it seemed like Pearl did not connect the dots between that Katya and the one standing in front of her now. The DJ has a smile that reaches her eyes, and softens her look even further.

“Nice to meet you, Katya. I didn’t know your photographers looked like models too, Michelle.”

Her voice is low, dragged out a little bit as if she’s exhausted, matching the semi-sleepy look her hooded eyes give, but Katya soon realizes it’s just the way Pearl looks (and talks). She’s a sweet-talker too, and all around a nice woman without zero arrogance about her, despite her popularity.

It would be a lie if Katya said she didn’t hope she was a complete bitch, and if she said she wasn’t a least a bit disappointed finding that Pearl is a delight to work with _and_ talk to. No fucking wonder Trixie is in love with her, Katya realizes with another twist in her gut.

Michelle goes back to her office shortly after, and Katya fears the moment since the only things worse than this situation would be if it was made awkward. It doesn’t happen, no matter how much she dreads it, and Pearl carries the conversation easily even though she’s a little bit on the quiet side. The two of them agree to test several poses before bringing in the rest of the girls next time, and discuss what exactly they want these photos to be. To no one’s surprise, Pearl has experience with photo shoots, even knows a little bit about photography, and Katya rarely finds herself having to explain and justify her own ideas.

Unexpectedly, it’s a good couple of hours.

 

When both of them decide it’s enough for the day, Katya connects her camera to the nearby laptop and flips through the photos so Pearl can take a look at them.

“I’ve had some issues with getting the lighting to work in some of these, but once they’re edited they will look a lot better. I do it all the time.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean with that one. Either way, these are amazing, Katya. You’re a total pro.”

Katya looks up from the screen to see Pearl standing right next to her and notices slight freckles spilled over her shoulders. She tries _not_ to think about Trixie kissing them, and fails just a little.

“Thanks. I still have a fuckton to learn but you definitely made it easy.”

“I know, I’m flawless.” Pearl says slowly, flipping her hair backward. The semi-joking tone in her voice reminds her so much of Violet that Katya can’t help but laugh. “I have to say, I was a little skeptical when Michelle told me you were a freelancer but you totally proved me wrong.”

Despite herself, Katya feels the heat rise to her cheeks. Truthfully, she will _never_ be beyond blushing over people praising her work, at least people who are not her close friends or, god forbid, her parents.

“Thank you, really! I’m positive this is going to look great with the girls in the shot.”

“Same. Listen, I have to go now, but we’ll be in touch. When do you think you’ll have these edited?”

“End of this week, Monday the latest. Michelle said props won’t be here until next Friday, anyway, so we can get together any time before that for a test shoot.”

“Sounds good to me. Here, I’ll give you my email and you send them to me as soon as they’re done, is that okay?”

“Absolutely!”

.

.

.

 

The rest of the week passes in a blur. It does not take her long to edit the photos she’s shot with Pearl, but it takes her embarrassingly long to stare at them, finding more faults in editing the longer she looks, until Ginger snaps her laptop shut and makes her come eat dinner with her and her son Matty on Friday. Katya feels guilty for not telling her other best friend anything about Trixie or the entire situation with Pearl, but she doesn’t want to make herself think about it longer than needed. Violet has been a pain in the ass enough as soon as she found out that Pearl is the one doing the calendar with them, and that is mostly the reason Katya has avoided her for the majority of the week. Ginger tells her that she’s proud of her, encourages her not to overthink her work, and that is enough for Katya to feel better.

The weekend passes equally as fast, all with Katya making a new schedule for the following three months for her yoga classes, cutting out one day a week since she’s already received several photography gig offers after Pearl put up one of the spontaneous shots Katya took of her with the following caption:

 

 **_pearliaison:_ ** _What happens when your photographer makes even candids look pro! Got the chance to work with the talented @katya_zamo! More to come soon._

Katya, on the other hand, wonders how Pearl found her instagram, and certainly does not want to think about how Trixie now knows the two of them are working together. Maybe that’s why Trixie hasn’t reached out since that Sunday a week ago, aside from looking through her instagram stories and leaving multiple hearts on the photo Katya took of Pearl.

Katya also goes out of her way _not_ to pass by _Honey_ , even though it’s on the way from the yoga studio to the agency, and takes the long way around for fear of spotting Trixie. Since that day of the park story entries, Trixie did not update any of her social media, and Katya finds that she _misses_ her already, but tries not to think about it. If she has to work with Pearl, fine, but the idea of seeing Trixie alone _or_ with Pearl creates discomfort still, so it’s better to stay away until the crush passes, if it does at all.

The test group shoot with the girls is set for the following Wednesday, a week after Katya and Pearl met, and by the time Wednesday rolls around Katya is _determined_ to stop thinking about her hairdresser altogether.

When she walks into the agency on Wednesday morning and sees Adore in the studio with the rest of the girls, she knows it’s never going to happen.

 

“Katyaaaa!” Adore’s voice is enough for everyone to look her way and she hugs Katya so tightly that it knocks her out of breath for a moment, but Katya hugs back, ignoring the fact that almost _everyone_ who’s involved with the entire Trixie thing is in this very room, except for Trixie herself.

“Hey mama, I had no idea you were involved with the project!” She replies once they pull away and Adore nods, a comb still in her hand.

“Yeah, yeah! Shea got Brianna and me on board, and since it’s for charity and young gay people, I said fuck yes! I missed you girl, where have you been?! I looked for you that night to introduce Bianca to you but you were gone!”

Katya realizes that she’s missed Adore as much as the rest of her friends, and laughs.

“Yep, sorry I went off the radar; I’ve been working myself to _death_ to get everything ready for this.”

“Pearlie showed us some of the shots, they look a-mazing. You should come and see some ideas Bri and I have for the hair and make-up and tell us what you think!”

She wants to ask why Trixie isn’t working on the project but can’t, not within Pearl’s earshot. Naomi, Shea, Fame and Courtney are all there and take turns in hugging her. When Pearl does too, Katya tries to return it with equal enthusiasm, though she can swear she can see Adore looking at them with a raised eyebrow before returning her attention to Courtney’s hair.

Violet is fifteen minutes late, blaming the traffic, giving Katya a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then wraps Pearl in a one-arm hug too. Katya remembers that Violet _did_ try to seduce Pearl that night, but never really told her what went down before Trixie appeared, and makes a mental note to ask her later.

 

If there is one thing Katya wants to do for the rest of her life, it’s definitely this. In the previous week, Michelle has decided that she wants to make a _calendar,_ the proceedings of which will go to charity, figuring that would be the best way to sell as many copies as possible.

Katya has written down ideas and shared them with the group and received approval from Michelle. Each of them will have an entry of their own, and the remaining six would be group shots, wearing outfits according to the month they are in, and including multiple flags from the LGBTQ+ spectrum. _The ultimate gaylendar of 2019_ , as Shea has called it.

The trial shoot takes up the majority of the day, with Adore and Brianna cutting in every now and then, fixing and changing hair, Katya running into the shots to show the poses she had in mind and Shea running out to take photos of her instead. Katya thinks that if she had to do this for a living for the rest of her life, she’d be the happiest woman alive.

Not even Pearl’s presence, otherwise a constant reminder of Trixie, could dampen her spirit, especially when she’s seen how well she blended into the group. She’s also found out that Pearl and Adore went to high school together, and have been friends most of their lives, and that Adore was the one who connected Pearl and Trixie when Pearl had a gig in Germany. Something about Adore being so good to Katya made her stomach that piece of information more easily, and she voluntarily drowned the jealous monster in her chest when it reared its ugly head at the mention of Trixie’s name.

 

By the time everyone is packed up and leaving hours later, Katya has a tension headache that still does not stop her from grinning widely. The main shooting event, taking place on Monday, would be a breeze.

“Kit Kat!” Adore’s voice makes her look up from her camera bag that she was digging through for her cigarettes when she got outside. Her glasses are resting on top of her messy hair, keeping it out of her face, and she can feel the sweat rolling down her back and neck, despite the evening breeze. Ginger called her the sweatiest woman in the show business once, and Katya thought it was the best description of her she’s ever heard.

Pearl is right behind Adore, her own bag slung over her shoulder and hands in her pockets.

“Looking for a smoke? Here, you can have mine.” Adore says once they get to Katya and offers the cigarette to Pearl too, who accepts. “I don’t know how you’re still not a world renown photographer man, you killed it today.”

Katya laughs, holding the cigarette between her teeth after Adore lights it up and shakes her head.

“What can I say? I’m a late bloomer.”

“Who knew?”

The two of them laugh, but Pearl is temporarily distracted by her phone, and Katya can’t help but question whether Trixie is the one texting her.

“In all seriousness, though, today’s the most fun I had in ages. All of you are so fucking talented, I was just trying to keep up.” Katya replies, exhaling the smoke.

“Oh shut up bitch, you’re amazing.”

“I agree.” It comes from Pearl, and she smiles over her cigarette at Katya.

“Stop it, you’re making me blush.” Katya replies, suddenly slipping on her Russian accent and making the other two laugh.

“Come on, you deserve it! And you should totally come to my housewarming party this weekend!”

“You’re having a housewarming party?”

“Girl, yeah! That’s why Bianca is here earlier than she should be, we moved in together last weekend.”

“That’s great, Adore, I’m happy for you! But I don’t even know Bianca, are you sure she wants strangers there?”

Adore snorts, inhaling more smoke than she should have and has a brief coughing fit before she can respond.

“Bitch, you’re like family to me by now, you _need_ to come! Besides, all of the girls from the agency will be there too, and Bianca just met them at the party couple of weekends ago.”

 

Pearl nods along with everything that Adore is saying, but is still busy with her phone to speak. She’s much more silent now than she was the entire day, but Katya assumes it's because she’s tired. Katya is so ready to go home, soak in the bathtub and pass out in front of the TV herself.

“Which reminds me, Pearlie, will Trixie be back from Wisconsin by the weekend? I know she’s returning to work Monday.”

“Trixie’s in Wisconsin?”

Katya’s response is so automatic that it flies out before she can think about it, and surely enough Pearl looks at her first before looking at Adore.

“Yeah, she’ll be back for the party. How do you know Trixie?”

Her pale eyes are back on Katya, and something about her gaze makes Katya uneasy, but she can’t exactly pinpoint why. She catches Adore looking from one to the other, then sees her bite her lip as if she’s pushing back an amused smile. Before Katya can overthink that split second, she replies.

“Oh she’s my hairdresser, well – used to be before she moved to Germany. She cut my hair only once she’s come back so…”

“That’s cool, I had no idea you two knew each other.”

Even though she wants to, Katya doesn’t relent under Pearl’s questioning gaze, and a second later it’s back to its old, sleepy-looking self, letting Katya’s anxiety settle. She thanks her foundation for doing its job (hopefully), and hiding the majority of the heat that climbed to her face. It feels like being caught in the act she knows is wrong, but the rational part of her brain knows she has nothing to feel guilty for.

“Anyway,” Adore says pointedly, throwing Pearl a look, “Trixie’s aunt died and she had to go to her funeral. I thought you knew girl, I’m sorry.”

“Oh.”

 

Katya didn’t know. Come to think of it, Katya knows very little about Trixie’s life aside from things she’s told her, and the realization makes her feel like shit instantly. All the wishing she’d be Trixie’s friend for so long and she’s let her own emotions get in the way. Trixie has been going through a difficult time for the entire week, maybe even longer, and was kind enough to invite Katya to go to a party, went through all the trouble to get her on the club’s list, and Katya repaid her by not replying to her messages and ignoring her altogether. Now _that_ is enough to dampen her spirits despite the great day she’s had.

“I’m sorry.” She doesn’t know who she apologizes to but she looks at Pearl and Pearl nods. “Is she okay?”

“She’s been better but you know, it’s Trixie. She’ll be okay.”

Katya nods and stubs out her cigarette, suddenly ready to go home. Immediately.

“So, are you coming?” Adore says after couple of moments, eyes looking hopeful enough for Katya to relent under the pressure.

“Oh, right! Yeah, sure, I’ll come. When was it again?”

“Here, gimme your number and I’ll text you the details as soon as we work it out.”

 

When Katya uses her last bath bomb, an old birthday present from Ginger (“ _You need to relax sometimes! Bath bombs are the best!_ ”), Katya scrolls through Trixie’s instagram and Facebook that have not been updated in a while. She dips her head under the emerald water for a second, welcoming the cool feeling, and once she gets the residue from her eyes when she resurfaces, her hands find the phone again and open the messages.

 

 **_Katya:_ ** _Hey Trixie, Adore told me about your aunt. I’m sorry. If you need anything at all, please let me know._

 **_Katya:_ ** _I know you might be coming to her housewarming party. I’ll be there so see you then?_

 **_Katya:_ ** _Take care._

 

Katya’s fingers hover over the keyboard for a couple of moments, before she types again.

 

 **_Katya:_ ** _PS, I’m sorry for going radio silent, it’s been a busy couple of weeks._

 **_Katya:_ ** _:*_

 

The reply doesn’t come until later that night, when Katya is in bed and reading a book, not a self-help one, after wanting to disconnect from the internet a little. Ginger was right, taking a scented bath definitely helped her nerves.

 

 **_Unknown:_ ** _Hey Katie, thank you. :*_

 **_Unknown:_ ** _Yeah, I’ll be there. See you and have a good night. <3_

 

With a sigh, Katya clicks on ‘details’ and saves the number under Tracy Martel.

 

 **_Katya:_ ** _Good night, Tracy._

 **_Katya:_ ** _ <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you agree with Katya when she thinks she's being a bad friend or do you not blame her for ignoring Trixie? What do you think is going to go down at the party? Let me know in comments or come talk about it on tumblr at [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com)!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The interaction breaks the ice a little, and the dinner becomes much livelier after that. Everyone seems to know Bianca well enough not to be offended by anything she says, and Katya remembers that she is an insult comedian and knows how to work the room. Adore seems different, good different, when she’s around Bianca, and the way their eyes light up when they look at each other makes Katya almost forget about how nervous she is about the affection towards the woman who’s laughing at her dumb jokes again, just like the good old times, only now Pearl is there too and Pearl is laughing with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, we're back! This chapter is lengthier than all the other ones published so far, and I hope all of you like it!
> 
> There's a bit of Biadore in this, and writing Bianca was really really fun. 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think about the chapter/the fic as a whole in the comments or come to me on tumblr [@katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/)!

 

This wasn’t the best of ideas, accepting the invitation, Katya thinks as she pulls up on the driveway, already crowded with cars on the outskirts of Boston. She would have not, in a million years, thought that Adore would ever live in a townhouse in what can only be described as the suburbs, but people can surprise you, even after years of knowing them. Besides, Katya knew Adore for several weeks only, so she realizes she has no idea what to expect in the first place.

She sits in her car for a bit longer than needed, preparing herself mentally and trying to calm her nerves. The last time she was in the same room with both Trixie and Pearl did not end well for her. Even weeks later,  the memory of them kissing on the dance floor, surrounded by Pearl’s fans, creeps into her head at the most inopportune moments.

Another part of her spends several minutes daydreaming about getting her own townhouse like this one day, with a wife, two dogs and a cat, but every time she imagines it today, it’s Trixie by her side. When did Katya start thinking about marriage, anyway? She has always been content being single until Sharon came along, and even then Katya always knew they would never get married. The two of them lasted surprisingly long anyway, and Katya is unsure whether she ever wants to commit like that again. Then she thinks about Trixie making them breakfast in the morning, Katya building their first piece of furniture, the two of them going to an animal shelter and Trixie crying over two puppies and how they _need_ to get them both because they shouldn’t separate them…

 

“Jesus Christ!” She yells when there’s a sudden knock on the car window, heart falling through her ass and her daydream gone in a cloud of smoke. Thankfully.

“You’ve been sitting there for the past ten minutes. You okay?”

Shea is looking at her through the glass, holding two large plastic bags in her hands, and Katya rubs her sides she banged against the steering wheel.

“I was, until you gave me a fucking heart attack and a set of cracked ribs.”

Despite her words, Katya grins at the taller girl, then unlocks the door and opens it, feeling only _slightly_ embarrassed that Shea noticed just how long she lingered in front of the house. Shea’s already taken two steps back to give her space.

“I don’t know girl, you seemed pretty spaced out for a moment there.”

“Yeah just --- weird day. Do you ever dissociate while thinking about your mortality and how we’re all going to be rotting corpses in the near future?”

Shea laughs, catching on to Katya’s tone and drops the bags on the ground. Judging by the clinking sounds, it must be garbage.

“All the time, but I do it while taking a bath, like the rest of the world. Can you help me with this? It’s hot, this is heavy as fuck and my mama didn’t raise no heavy lifter.”

Katya laughs too and nods, taking the backpack from the car and two large cacti in pots decorated in different pride flags as a homecoming gift for Bianca and Adore. She figured the succulents would be too on the nose and nothing said: _‘I have no idea what you like so here’s plants that can’t die that easily’_ as much as cacti. She leaves the pots on the hood of her car and helps Shea carry the bags to the bin before picking them back up and carrying them to the front porch, feeling like a nervous wreck and hoping it didn’t show. Shea, next to her, doesn’t seem to notice her distress or maybe pretends not to.

“Most of the people came in just before you did”, she says pushing the front door open, “but you’re not the last one yet.” And then, louder: “Adore! Katya’s here!”

 

The house is beautiful on the inside just as it’s outside. Katya expected it to be sterile for some reason, but as soon as she steps inside she can see a lot of Adore, in framed posters of 90s art and grunge bands. Every bit of space is used smartly, and there is as much used furniture as there is new one. Seeing several art pieces that she doesn’t recognize, Katya finds herself curious about Bianca.

She’s still clutching the pots to her chest when Adore comes down the hallway, wearing an oversized flannel shirt with rolled up sleeves and denim ripped jeans, her blue-green hair tied up in a bun high on her head.

“Girl, you shouldn’t have! Oh my god, these are amazing! I love a good cactus!”

“Yeah, I thought what’s stupid enough and shitty enough to remind you of me and there it is!”

“Are you sure you didn’t just want to call us pricks?” A voice from behind Adore cuts in, sharp and amused. By the way Adore turns around and gives the woman a look Katya knows immediately who she is.

“Don’t listen to her, Katya. She might **be** a prick but she’s secretly _really_ nice.”

“You just say that because I let you hang that **hideous** Nirvana poster above our bed-“

“Babe, you know you _love_ Nirvana as much as I do-“

Shea clears her throat next to Katya, her eyebrows raised, but Katya can’t stop grinning and looking at the other two in wonder. Bianca looks… completely opposite of what she expected. She must have several years on Katya and is wearing a long, floor-length flowery dress, her copper red hair half tied-up, half falling down her shoulders. As she gives Adore an eyeroll followed by a smile, her dimples soften her otherwise sharp features, and her eyes are warm despite the cutting tone of her words.

“Your house looks amazing.” Katya has to add when she and Bianca shake hands.

“Thanks, it took a while to compromise with the decorations.”

This prompts Katya to laugh, and Bianca grins at her in return.

“I can see that. Is that Monet your part of the compromise?”

“Yes, it is. I have couple of more I got abroad I can show you after dinner if you’re up for it.”

 

All four of them walk down the hallway, Katya and Bianca chatting about art and Adore and Shea continuing what Katya assumed was a conversation they had before Shea went to take out the trash. The living room is spacious and melts together with the dining room, opening up quite a large space that can hold a lot of people. Most of the sitting area is taken up by guests, some of which Katya knows and most she doesn’t, and gives them all a wave as Adore introduces her.

The only person who gets up to greet her is Naomi, and relief washes over her when she realizes that neither Pearl nor Trixie are there yet. With Violet leaving the town last minute this weekend, Katya hoped that she would at least have the advantage of getting there before them and manage to get comfortable before witnessing them be a couple in front of her.

She eventually ends up sitting on one of the armchairs with an unfamiliar girl sitting on the armrest. Her hair is just as red as Bianca’s, only longer, and tattoos grace the major part of her arms. She introduces herself as Kameron, Bianca’s cousin, and Katya can’t help but stare at her toned, muscly arms as they talk for a good half an hour.

Kameron does not talk much but is eager to listen, nodding along as Katya talks about yoga and the calendar project she does with the agency. When she sees Adore wiggling her eyebrows at them from the other side of the room, Katya realizes that placing her directly next to Kameron has been some sort of a set-up and finds herself somewhat uncomfortable, even though the redhead does nothing to make her feel so.

Hell, if it wasn’t for the entire Trixie situation, Katya would have most likely indulge in the shameless flirting and even get herself a date or two. Kameron works out too, loves obscure sci-fi movies and video games, and is hot as hell. Maybe she is _exactly_ what Katya needs to get over her ridiculous Trixie crush, she thinks as Kameron stands up to help Bianca with the barbecue in the tiny backyard, but decides against going after them for now.

Instead, she joins Adore in the kitchen and they can barely put two words in when Pearl walks in through the doorway, followed by Trixie.

 

If Adore picked up a knife from the counter and jagged it into her gut right there and then, it would have bothered her less. The two of them enter the kitchen laughing, fingers intertwined and Pearl’s head on Trixie’s shoulder. Whatever joke they share dies instantly on Trixie’s lips when she sees Katya standing next to Adore, hand holding a glass of soda mid-raised to her lips and eyes wide in surprise.

“Hey!”

Pearl is the first one to break the deafening silence and goes to hug her friend, while Trixie walks around the kitchen island to wrap her arms around Katya. The familiar scent of her perfume is another twist of the metaphorical knife in Katya’s gut, and she tries not to close her eyes before the hug ends too soon. Pearl is the next one to hug her, but she already feels the absence of Trixie deep in the pit of her stomach.

“Good to see you again.” She finds her words that sound strange in her mouth and leaves the soda on the counter, suddenly not as thirsty anymore. “Both of you.”

_Nice save, Zamo._

“You too. You look good.” Trixie is smiling, and Katya realizes that she’s missed her, even though her own smile feels a bit tight around the edges.

“Thanks. “

“Speaking of which, Katya,” Pearl jumps in, “has the definitive date for the photoshoot been set yet? My tour is starting soon so I want to make sure the dates don’t, like, clash.”

A beat of silence. Trixie sighs next to her girlfriend, stealing a baby carrot from Adore’s plate while Katya is still deciding whether she wants to give her cold shoulder or not. All she can think about is Pearl saying she is leaving soon, and then wonders what Trixie thinks about that.

“Michelle will let us know on Monday.”

“Right. Awesome.”

Adore on the other hand seems oblivious of how unnatural this conversation feels (or maybe it’s just Katya that feels awkward?) and continues chopping the salad ingredients, not looking at any of them. Luckily, she speaks before it becomes too unbearable.

“Pearlie, Bianca will need help with the playlist for tonight.”

“Where is she? I’m surprised you two aren’t attached at the hip by now.”

“You fuck right off, bitch, you have no right to say anything.” Adore laughs, but her cheeks are tinted slightly pink.

“What, you two are great for each other. I’m glad she finally got you to live this suburban fantasy with her.”

 

Katya watches the two of them banter over the salad, but then her eyes find Trixie again, who is already looking at her. The sudden urge to get Trixie alone and in private is overwhelming, cold shoulder be damned, even if it’s just to ask her if she’s doing okay, but can’t find words that wouldn’t make her feel guilty with Pearl standing just inches away.

“Katya, can you help me get these snacks out there? Bee is about to grill someone’s ass if they keep asking her when food is coming. And bring that wine bottle for Shea, I owe her big time for helping us out today.”

All in all, Katya is glad she didn’t make a fool out of herself, despite the general awkwardness. The night is just starting, anyway, and there will be plenty of time to talk to Trixie, right? She hopes she and Pearl won’t be attached at the hip too, otherwise she would have to text Violet much earlier than she planned to that night _(You have to keep me updated, bitch, I can’t believe I’m missing out on all this drama_ ).

 

When they sit down for dinner, Kameron is sat between her and Bianca, and Trixie is directly on the other side of the table, next to Pearl, busy talking to the girl Katya thinks is called Tatianna, mostly about the hair products she has bought and needed Trixie’s opinion on. When Tatianna gets up to get a drink, and Kameron turns to the other side when Bianca asks her something, Trixie leans over to get her attention.

“Violet’s not here?”

“Nope, she had to work for the weekend.”

Trixie nods, popping a mini potato in her mouth, eyes still on Katya, who is looking at her too. Small talk is a safe route to go, right? Especially since Pearl is talking animatedly to Naomi.

“How are you, Trix?”

“I’m good. Not as good as these potatoes but… you know.”

Katya wheezes as she nods.

“I’m surprised Kim and the other Honey girls aren’t here.”

 “They all have this seminar in New York, Latrice took them there.”

“And you and Adore didn’t go?”

“Bianca is leaving for L.A. on Tuesday so this was the last weekend they could have the party before October. And Pearl--”

“I heard my name, what are you two gossiping about?”

Heads turn at the sound of Bianca’s voice.

“Oh you know, just how you probably poisoned us all with this terrible food.” Trixie deadpans and winks at Katya.

“Cunts.” Bianca grins and points her fork first at Trixie and then at Katya. “I’d like to see **you** cook an all-inclusive meal, meat, no meat, vegan, non-vegan, spicy, not spicy enough, blah blah blah **blah**.”

Katya, in turn, raises her hands. “Hey, I didn’t even say anything!”

“Well you _do_ hang out with this asshole; it makes you an asshole by default.”

“That logic in mind, what does that make Adore then?” Trixie cuts in with a tilted head, earning a _Hey!_ from Adore, and making Katya laugh again, arms flailing. Trixie joins her a second later, the sound of her loud laugh making the entire table join in.

The interaction breaks the ice a little, and the dinner becomes much livelier after that. Everyone seems to know Bianca well enough not to be offended by anything she says, and Katya remembers that she _is_ an insult comedian and knows how to work the room. Adore seems different, _good_ different, when she’s around Bianca, and the way their eyes light up when they look at each other makes Katya _almost_ forget about how nervous she is about the affection towards the woman who’s laughing at her dumb jokes again, just like the good old times, only now Pearl is there too and Pearl is laughing with her.

 

Once the dinner is over and the table is clean, Katya volunteers to help Bianca with the dishes, and the two spend good fifteen minutes talking about art, Bianca’s tour, and Katya’s upcoming projects.

“I gotta admit, I didn’t hear your stuff before. Though I’m generally bad at anything pop-culture related.”

Bianca laughs that harsh laugh of hers.

“Bitch, you’re telling me. I had no idea who Pearl was when Adore and I met, and I still wish I didn’t hear that god awful EDM music.” She lowers her voice and leans over to Katya, who’s already laughing. “It’s horrible.”

Katya still feels in awe of her brutal honesty, even though it almost makes her drop the plates she’s holding more often than not. It’s exactly what she needs to untie the knot in her gut, so she’s almost sad when the dishes are done. Bianca manages to improve her mood once again when she tells her Adore showed some of the headshots Katya has done for the girls, and that she absolutely wants her to do Bianca’s promo pictures when the new tour is announced.

“I have an idea in mind: **clown realness**.”

 

Bianca leaves her not too long after that, and Katya grabs another can of Coke, intending to follow, when Trixie walks in.

“There you are, I thought you’d left!”

“And miss out on Bianca roasting everyone in sight? Never.”

Trixie laughs and looks around and bends over and under the kitchen island, seemingly looking for something while Katya watches her from her spot next to the stove.

“Looking for gin? It’s right there under the sink.”

Trixie returns to her full height, brushing away her blonde hair that she’s let down for tonight, face red from the blood rushing to her head.

“Aw, you remembered. No, I dropped my earring somewhere so I’m tracing back my steps.”

Of course Katya remembers Trixie’s preferred drink, she thinks, she remembers everyone’s preferred drinks. If someone were to ask her what Adore drinks, though, or even Shea, she’d have no idea.

“Oh! I’ll help you.”

 

They spend five minutes looking in every nook and cranny of Bianca and Adore’s kitchen in silence, but to no avail.

“I’m sorry, Tracy, it’s not here.”

“It’s okay, it was a cheap piece of shit anyway.”

Katya laughs as Trixie grins at her, and they speak up at the same time.

“So-“

“So-“

They laugh again, and Trixie raises her hand towards Katya, telling her to go first.

“How was Wisconsin?”

The smile falters a little from Trixie’s face but she shrugs.

“I grew up in a house in the middle of nowhere, and the air smells like cow shit for miles around. I’m still getting it out.”

Katya snorts, and Trixie looks pleased with herself.

“The shit or the smell?”

“A little bit of both, really.”

“That sounds like heaven.”

“Oh I bet it does to you.”

 

The horrible situation aside, at least it’s horrible in Katya’s head, Katya is glad that their bantering didn’t cease to exist, even after that night at the club. Trixie is as easy to talk to as ever, but Katya can’t bring herself to be flirty this time around.

“I’m sorry about your aunt.”

“Thanks. She was my favorite, and the only one who didn’t call me an abomination when I came out.”

“Oh Trix, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Did you go there by yourself?”

“No, Bob was with me. He flew in from L.A. the second he heard. Aunt Stacey was his favorite too.”

“Oh. And Pearl didn’t go?”

Trixie gives her a long look that Katya can’t put her finger on, as if she’s thinking what to say, and Katya lets her.

“Bringing my girlfriend to homophobic rednecks? I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

 “Of course.”

 

They fall silent again, listening to the muffled sounds of the conversation on the other side of the door, and Katya feels her own heart in her throat. Trixie has come closer to her in the meantime, and Katya can count freckles on her nose despite the distance between them.

“Your bangs grew.”

“What?”

“Your bangs, Katya, they’re long as fuck. When did that happen?”

Trixie has raised her hand as if she wanted to touch them, but her hand stopped mid-air and dropped on the counter where she tapped her fingers against the firm surface.

“Oh right! Yeah. I guess you’ll have to cut them soon.”

“I’ll be happy to.”

They don’t say much after that, since Shea walks into the kitchen to get another wine bottle for the girls, and Katya realizes it would be best to re-join the group. Trixie walks right after her, and goes to sit next to Pearl on the couch.

 

Everyone has taken up spots in the seating area once again, only this time around Trixie is there and Pearl’s arm is around her shoulders right in Katya’s line of sight.

She tries to focus her attention on Bianca’s anecdote that has everyone reeling instead, but eventually figures that she needs to smoke and get some fresh air before her insides burst from the sound of Trixie’s laughter. Kameron offers to come outside with her but Katya refuses, promising she’d be right back.

Once outside, she’s entertained by her Instagram for a couple of moments as she lights up her cigarette, but the masochist in her keeps her glancing through the large glass doors inside, where Trixie is flailing her arms, mouth open in a shrieking laugh that Katya can hear even through the closed doors and Pearl chuckling next to her, not taking her eyes off of her girlfriend, and how could she? If Trixie was Katya’s girlfriend, she would probably be the same. When Trixie’s head turns around and Pearl leaves a lingering kiss to the side of her mouth, Katya looks up at the darkened sky instead.

She’s on her third cigarette many minutes later, thinking about texting Violet for the second time that night when the door slides open, and she doesn’t turn around until she hears Shea’s voice.

“Contemplating your mortality again?”

It elicits a laugh from Katya and she scoots on the bench she’s found to make room for the other girl. Shea has a glass in her hand and sits down, looking at Katya’s profile. Katya, in the meantime, has pushed her glasses up and let them rest on the top of her head, and is now squinting a little to read the look on Shea’s face.

“I needed some fresh air. You in?”

Shea grins at her and points at the cigarette.

“Yeah, I’m sure _that_ is getting you plenty of fresh air. No actually, I wanted to ask you if I could borrow one of those.”

“You smoke?”

“Only socially, or when I drink. _Or_ when I have a Russian I can borrow cigarettes from.”

“Sasha smokes?”

“Mhm. She’s trying to stop but we both know those nicotine patches can’t do shit.”

They both laugh and Katya goes to take a sip of her soda, but realizes her glass is empty.

“I’d offer you mine but you don’t drink, right?”

Katya’s curls bounce around her face as she shakes her head. “Nope, ten years sober baby.” She lifts her arms above her head dramatically, smiling widely even around the cigarette.

“Good for you! Do people drinking around you bother you at all?”

“Nope, not anymore. It’s been a couple of years after I stopped where I absolutely avoided going to clubs, you know? I’m cool with it now.”

 

Back inside, Adore yells something and Trixie is laughing again, prompting both Katya and Shea to turn around. Her gaze lingers at Trixie for a moment longer and only turns back around when she notices Shea looking at her.

“So, Sasha couldn’t come this weekend?”

“No, they finally got that opening in New York so they are working on this new play I told you about.”

“Cool, cool. Must be hard not seeing her a lot, huh?”

Shea shrugs, smile unfaltering as she looks out above the backyard’s fence.

“I mean, yes, but she’s following her dreams like I’m following mine. If this New York thing becomes permanent we will both move there.”

“You’re leaving the agency?”

“Not yet, but yeah, that’s the plan. New York has more opportunities, you know? I keep telling Violet she could be _big_ if she took the leap, but she’s too stubborn.”

“Yeah, she tells me she’s afraid I’d go off the rails, relapse and die if she left me here, but I think she’s just scared.”

 

They laugh again and then fall silent, listening to the music Pearl had put on, with Shea sipping on her drink and Katya finishing off her cigarette. Katya wonders if the length of her absence is rude towards Bianca and Adore, and is planning to get up as soon as her cigarette is done. Then Shea speaks up again.

 

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“What are you going to do about all this?”

Shea points to the glass doors with her thumb and Katya feels her heart jump to her throat, even though her face gives off nothing but mild curiosity.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh come on Katya, you and Trixie?”

Katya blinks once, eyes widening.

“Girl, I’m not blind. Even if I didn’t see Violet snorting at you two at the club or you leaving after we all saw Trix and Pearl making out, the way you look at her isn’t fooling me.”

“I-“

“Listen, I’ve been where you are when I first met Sasha, so I get you. It sucks.”

Katya feels dread moving from her chest, into her limbs and to the tips of her fingers and toes, and she takes another drag of her almost-done cigarette. If she’s this obvious to Shea, who’s known her for a handful of months only, other people could clock her too, right? She remembers the looks both Adore and Pearl gave her and feels like running away, maybe screaming too. Yet, negating all of it and lying to Shea wouldn’t be fair, especially since Shea opened up about her own relationship to Katya many times before. A long sigh that turns into a groan leave her lips and her head falls backwards.

“God, I really thought I had it under control. Am I really that fucking obvious?”

Shea, to her surprise, laughs.

“No, not really, don’t worry. I’m just good at this kind of shit.  But you do like her, right?”

Katya nods. "It's more of a crush, really-"

“Naomi owes me fucking money, I can’t wait to rub it in her face-“

“Naomi knows?!”

Shea laughs again and Katya glares at her incredulously.

“Girl, I’m just fucking with you! You should have seen your face! I might be a messy bitch who loves drama but I know a sensitive situation when I see one. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”

“Bitch!” Katya laughs, pushing Shea’s knee away and Shea joins her a second later. Despite the situation, Katya feels lighter. It feels great to share this with someone other than Violet and the lack of judgment on Shea’s part makes her feel better, too.

“But no, seriously, I don’t know what to do. That in there? Tightest fucking group of friends I’ve ever seen, and I love _all_ of them. I could just move myself away from everything but I haven’t had a chance to hang out with a group that neat in so fucking long. And I’ve wanted to be _Trixie’s_ friend for so long and now I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up and I just…” Katya pinches the bridge of her nose and Shea goes to pat her forearm empathetically.  

“I understand. I’d say just do what you think is for the best. Follow your gut, all that shit. I love Trixie and I barely know Pearl but she seems like a good person. Do what you think is right.”

Katya nods once again, pressing her thumb against her chin and chews on her lip thoughtfully for a second more before looking at Shea.

“Thanks, I guess you’re right. I’ll think about it.”

“Bitch, I’m always right. Now, where’s that cigarette you promised me?”

 

Adore interrupts their chain smoking outside some fifteen minutes later by opening the door and closing them with a bit more force than she intended, causing the glass to rattle a little.

“Whoops! There you bitches are! Do you ever like, plan on going back inside?”

Both Katya and Shea turn around in their spots and Katya laughs, though she does feel a little guilty.

“Yeah, we were just about to.”

“Not if you’re still playing that truth or dare game, bitch, you know I’m over it.”

Adore comes to stand behind them, lanky arms slinging around both Shea’s and Katya’s shoulders. Katya can smell the faint scent of whiskey and snorts.

“No, we’re trying to make Trixie play my fucking guitar and she kept saying no, but I think Bee managed to blackmail her into doing it.”

 _Trixie plays the guitar._ Add it to another thing on Katya’s list she didn’t know. Shea mirrors her thoughts, apparently, because she tilts her head.

“Trixie plays? Are you gonna tell me she sings, too?”

“Yeah, bitch, where have you been? She’s great at both! I keep telling her we should totally form a band but she’s too scared or some shit.”

Katya opens her mouth and then closes it, unsure of what to say.

“Anyway, she’s gonna play it now and I don’t think you should miss it.”

“We’ll be right in.”

“Yeah, I need a refill anyway.”

 

Kameron saved her a spot once she goes back in and gets another glass of Coke, but sitting next to Kameron again means sitting right across Trixie and Pearl. Her conversation with Shea did make her think, however, and she’s decided to _try_ and be her friend. Despite their conversation back in the kitchen, she knows that Trixie loves Pearl, no matter how inconvenient it is for her.

“Hey stranger.” Trixie tells her when she sits down, and Katya grins at her.

“I hear you’re like a rockstar and I had no idea.”

“Well if you _spent_ some time inside with us, maybe you’d know shit!”

“Trix!” Adore interrupts before Katya can come up with a valid excuse, “You gotta play that song of yours!”

“Adore, if I wanted to make everyone here hate me, I’d make some insensitive jokes instead. Even though it doesn’t really work for your girlfriend…”

“Will you shut the fuck up about me and sing the damn song? I want to hear it!” _God bless Bianca._

“Okay, but I wrote this just a week ago, so if you hate it, blame it on Bianca Del Rio.”

While they bicker, Katya decides she _will_ be Trixie’s friend, like she is Adore’s and Shea’s, even Bianca’s. She _will_ force this crush away, even though she can’t breathe when she sees Trixie smiling at Adore’s guitar and picking at the strings before she starts to sing.

And oh **_god,_** her voice.

At first Katya cannot hear the lyrics because she’s focused on the soft, low tone of it that she never heard leave Trixie before, and she’s _gaping_ but she can’t help herself. The room has fallen silent, the only sound the humming of the guitar and Trixie.

 _Is it wrong if I listen to songs that we've lived and_  
_The stories are staying the same_  


When the words finally reach her brain, Katya focuses all her attention on them.

  
_I lie by the speaker_  
 _Just getting weaker_  
 _Until I remember your name_  


Trixie looks up from the guitar and Katya realizes with dread that she must have written this song for Pearl. Pearl seems to be thinking the same thing because her otherwise relaxed expression has softened. Trixie’s voice has softened too, quieter than before, as the song slows down.

 _And I don't call you when I cry_  
_And I don't stay the day in bed_  
 _Mostly I'm fine_  
 _Most of the time I get by, like I said_  


Katya wishes she could be anywhere, _anywhere_ but here, feeling her chest tightening, feeling her resolution to be Trixie’s friend disappear as quickly as it appeared. She can’t possibly be her friend, and watch her love Pearl, and grow old with her, move in a townhouse and adopt the fucking dogs with her--

  
_I haven't been drinking_  
_I haven't been thinking_  
_Of lonely "if onlys” and then..._

  
And yet, Katya can’t stand up and walk away. If there is one thing she wants to do for the rest of her life, it is to hear Trixie sing. All of the nerves, all of the anxiety, all of the overthinking, even now, seem lighter in her gut.

 

 _And then I see you..._  
_And I know you all over again-_  


Trixie is bringing the song slowly to an end and Katya looks up; only to see Trixie’s big beautiful eyes looking directly at her.

  
_And then I see you...  
And I love you all over again._

The living room explodes with cheers and Adore whistles, which gives Katya time to become aware of her own eyes and how much their corners prickle. She doesn’t remember when Kameron put her hand on Katya’s knee and she gets up now, mumbling something about needing to find a bathroom, scrambling to her feet, Trixie’s eyes burning through her skull long after they break eye contact and she’s safely on the other side of the bathroom door on the second floor.

 

Katya sits on the edge of the bath tub and pulls out her phone, feeling her legs giving out under her. Her first instinct is to call Ginger, who has been like a mother figure to her throughout the years, but finds she has absolutely no energy to go through the entire description of what exactly the situation is. Instead, she opens up messages to find a text from Violet, asking her how the party is going.

It’s not like Katya didn’t know that she liked Trixie in the first place, but hearing Trixie sing, coupled by everything else that has been stewing in her for _weeks_ now, makes her now feel something she didn’t encounter in a long, _long_ time, maybe since the first year of her and Sharon’s relationship. Her heart is beating violently in her chest at every single line of Trixie’s song that pops back in her head, and the way Trixie looked at her tonight makes her feel like dying and living at the same time. Violet’s words from that night at the club come back to blow fully into her face, and she lets out an _audible_ groan.

This can’t be happening.

It’s not like Katya ever had a good timing when it came to relationships, and she was never really good at dealing with her own emotions, but this feels like the universe held a specifically fucked up grudge against her and decided to smack her in the face as a result. Normal crushes, which are more regular for Katya, don’t feel like this. Everything in her brain, in her chest, in her body, is shivering at the thought of Trixie. Every time she thought about her face in the past several weeks, butterflies swarmed her stomach and did not settle for hours on end. There is only one explanation, and Katya doesn’t know whether she wants to laugh or cry for it.

 

_**To Violetta:** I think I’m in love with Trixie._

_**To Violetta:** I’m so fucking screwed._

 

Violet doesn’t see the message even though Katya grips her phone tightly, willing her to do so, and after a while she is forced to leave the bathroom for fear of someone coming to look for her. Her own reflection in the bathroom mirror looks pale, paler than usual, and Katya slaps her own cheeks to regain some color. _You can do this, Zamo. You’ll deal with this just like you dealt with everything else._

When she closes the bathroom door, Katya hears a sound that prompts her to look at the balcony on the other side of the spacious hallway. It takes her less than a second to recognize the long blonde hair and the yellow sundress, feeling the butterflies return instantly.

Trixie is leaned on the railing, looking upwards, and the dim light of the single lamp on the balcony gives her an almost ethereal glow. She obviously did not hear Katya, since her back is turned to her, and Katya knows she can just slip past to the stairs and return to the party. A smart thing would be to return to the living room downstairs, flirt with Kameron, even bring her home and fool herself into thinking that this _love_ thing was just prompted by hearing Trixie sing about love.

 _Do what you think is right,_ she hears Shea’s voice as clear as day, and her feet are already carrying her _away_ from the staircase and towards Trixie. When she is close enough to be within her earshot, Katya takes a deep breath, letting her gut lead her for once.

 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guessed it kids, I had to insert [I Know You All Over Again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZU5SfDUozY) because I like to hurt myself like that.
> 
> Come tell me what you're thinking!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were many things that Trixie expected to stay the same in two years of her absence: that small coffee shop at the end of the street where Honey Salon was, the delicious ribs in a restaurant close to her apartment, Latrice’s beautiful booming laugh and lovely sunsets over Boston’s townhouses. What Trixie didn’t expect to stay was that dumb smile of Katya Zamolodchikova that walked into the salon on the first day she came to visit her friends and beg Latrice to let her work at least part-time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time has come, squirrel friends, to finally see a tiny bit of Trixie's side of the story! There will be one more Trixie POV until the end of the fic, so enjoy it while you can and let me know what you think!
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/)! Comments and kudos are my soul food and thus highly encouraged!
> 
> Finally, here's the Twist of Fate playlist I've made (because of course I did), and each song roughly presents one chapter so... light spoiler alert for the future ones? ;) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2tiFYm8rfXrzM8ZmEm0E1g

 

Trixie Mattel used to read a lot of romance novels growing up. Living in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by endless fields that stretched for miles, there weren’t many other things to do during summer months, when school was out and the heat reached its peak, forbidding her to walk through the tall grass hours on end.  Instead, she would sit on the small porch, propped up by pillows she’d bring down from her bedroom, and read one shitty romance novel after another, bought in grocery stores for a dollar or two.

 It used to be the only thing that transported her somewhere else, away from her alcoholic stepfather and the poverty her family endured for years on end. The romance novels have always been painfully straight and extremely cliché – but Trixie wasn’t complaining. She’d read them, and reread them if she ran out of pocket money to buy new ones, and daydreamed about running away one day to have an adventure of her own. Her favorites were those that included love triangles, a woman stuck between being infatuated with two men, choosing one and leaving the other broken-hearted. She loved them because she thought them to be fiction – no person could love-love two people at the same time, right? It was stupid.

Many years down the line, Trixie Mattel stopped reading romance novels, when empty fields got replaced by Bostonian buildings, streets and little cafés, and she started working and began worrying about real problems, like paying rent, eating regularly and keeping herself hydrated. The romantic part of her never died, however, even though she had issues with keeping herself in relationships for too long. At first it was because the internalized hatred and shame for _who_ she was, endless attempts at dating men that didn’t work out, women who were emotionally unavailable and those who called _her_ emotionally unavailable. Later – it was just a lack of time and energy, and determination to go far in life with her hairdressing career.

 

When Katya walked into her life in her mid-twenties, Trixie was instantly enamored by her charm, wit, and the perfectly white, broad grin that always seemed genuine and warm. First time she found out Katya loved women, Trixie found herself fantasizing about going to candle-lit dinners with her, kissing in the dark movie theatres and dancing with their fingers intertwined. The fantasies never stopped, even after finding out that Katya was in a serious relationship, despite herself, and always secretly hoped there would come a day when they would break up and Trixie would get that chance. She often indulged these fantasies, especially lying in bed at night and staring at the ceiling, even though she knew it was never going to happen. No one could ever love two people at the same time.

Getting an offer from Berlin had come in the right moment, when her attraction to Katya became almost unbearable, words always at the tip of her tongue and ready to spill over the edge. It was also a sign from the universe that keeping to her career was the best thing she could do for herself at that moment in time. Kim and Bob had practically jumped up and down after hearing about the opportunity Trixie has gotten, and shut down every doubt Trixie had about moving. It was exactly like she’s told Katya all those years ago: there was nothing tying her to Boston, and she was far from home anyway.

The life in Berlin had been easy – and fun, despite her horrible, broken German and shitty sense of direction. The city itself, huge and full of history, made her fall in love at first sight. Not staying in contact with Katya , while something she berated herself over for the first two weeks, became a blessing in disguise since she could finally move on. People, especially at the salon where she worked, made her feel like home and took her out to gay bars every chance they got, happy to have a lesbian American among them. _Foreigners are chick magnets,_ her co-worker would say, _you’ll be drowning in German pussy in no time_.

 

It was funny then, or maybe a little ironic, that the first girl she would get a gigantic crush on was an American DJ, and a famous one to boot. They met one cold winter night while Kim was visiting, and told her that the new girl from _Honey Salon_ , Adore, invited them for a party in Berghain, Berlin’s biggest nightclub. When Trixie saw Pearl for the first time, she decided that her type were definitely fit blonde women with pale eyes and a beautiful smile. Talking to Pearl would turn out to be the easiest thing in the world, even in the light of the following day when they went out for coffee. When they kissed in front of Trixie’s apartment later in the evening, Trixie felt butterflies in her stomach for the first time in forever.

It took her a long distance relationship with Pearl, who was almost always on the road, to make Trixie realize that long distance relationships are hard, maintaining solely on FaceTiming, talking over the phone and counting days until the next time they would see each other. Still, Trixie was very proud of herself for having a functional romantic relationship, even long distance, and Pearl always made it easy even though she wasn’t a romantic type. Soon after that Trixie realized that she felt lonely in Berlin, with all of her friends and her girlfriend living one ocean away and the city being now familiar enough, all the thrill of novelty gone. When she found herself crying over her morning cup of coffee in her empty apartment on a Sunday morning, Trixie decided it was time to go back.

 

There were many things that Trixie expected to stay the same in two years of her absence: that small coffee shop at the end of the street where _Honey Salon_ was, the delicious ribs in a restaurant close to her apartment, Latrice’s beautiful booming laugh and lovely sunsets over Boston’s townhouses.  What Trixie _didn’t_ expect to stay was that dumb smile of Katya Zamolodchikova that walked into the salon on the first day she came to visit her friends and beg Latrice to let her work at least part-time.

Talking to Katya felt… the same and different at once. The two of them were still the same people with the same sense of humor and mutual understanding no one but them shared; but now with different circumstances. Trixie soon found out that _the absence makes the heart go fonder_ was unfortunately horribly accurate, even though she now had no reason to _fantasize,_ even after finding out that Sharon was out of the picture. _Pearl_ was in the picture now, and Trixie was in love, and loving two people at the same time was impossible. Right?

When Trixie wrote _I Know You All Over Again_ during the worst week of her life, saying goodbye to her favorite aunt and crying in Bob’s arms for hours. When she wasn’t crying, her old guitar was in her hands, Bob by her side, picking at the guitar strings until something that made sense finally came out. Trixie was _certain_ that it was about no one in particular, and just a little bit about Pearl. That was at least what she told herself for the entire week leading up to Adore’s and Bianca’s party. She knew she’d made a mistake telling Adore that she wrote a new song the moment Adore brought it up in front of everyone, but decided to perform it anyway. Only after she’s seen Katya sitting across from her, another girl’s hand in her lap, and that dumb grin on her face, did Trixie realize there was no point in pretending anymore. Loving two people at the same time _was_ impossible, but over the past three weeks it’s not been Pearl that she’s been thinking about all the time, not Pearl she wished was with her back in Wisconsin, not Pearl she wanted to show off to her homophobic family. She loved Pearl, yes, but not like she loved Katya.

 

 

That is why she’s on the balcony now, getting fresh air away from the loud music and the laughter of her friends, feeling like she’s betrayed absolutely every single person that cared about her. When she hears a voice behind her, Trixie is quick to wipe her tearful eyes and laugh bleakly at the choice of words that Katya used, transporting her to two years back when she’d ask the same question.

_Penny for your thoughts?_

There is no way that Katya remembers that night of her farewell party when Trixie almost kissed her on three different occasions, right?

Trixie turns around to meet her eyes with Katya’s, noticing a very little smudge on the edges of her lips and smiles, hoping the balcony was dark enough that the other doesn’t see her red eyes that still prickle uncomfortably. Trixie swallows and then shrugs casually.

“I’m thinking how horrible my singing must have been to make you _run_ before I was done.”

Teasing Katya is one of the easiest things in the world, especially when it’s rewarded with this gorgeous laughing that sounds like a squirrel fighting for air. It makes Trixie laugh too, the knot in her throat loosening.

“Bitch, it wasn’t your singing! I don’t have to explain my bowel movements to you, do I?”

Trixie scrunches her nose in _Katya-you’re-gross_ kind of way but she’s still laughing.

“Maybe that’s exactly what I want, Katie.”

“You’re a disgusting, vile human being.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

They laugh again but then Katya comes to stand next to her, arm propped on the railing, head tilted up a little bit since Trixie is wearing heels and she is most definitely not.

 

“Okay, how about this: your song is really good and your voice is amazing.”

Trixie feels her cheeks heat up and she _has_ to look away. Since when was Katya _this_ open with complimenting her? Diffusing the situation in her head, Trixie clears her throat, ready to fish for more.

“Oh but I fully know that.”

“You do? Good. Okay---“ Trixie watches Katya raise her index finger and presses it to her own chin, pretending to be thinking, glasses on top of her head making her messy hair even messier. Trixie wants to tuck the stray strands so badly, but doesn’t think her own heart can bear it.

“Let me try again: **_I_** think that you’re talented in everything you do and you’re seriously underestimating yourself.”

The tone that Katya uses when she says that is as neutral as if she’s talking about the weather, but Trixie has to blink once, twice, the corners of her mouth twitching into yet another smile. The knot in her throat is back, however, and when she opens her mouth to speak, nothing comes out. Instead, her eyes fill with tears and she exhales shakily pinching the bridge of her nose.

 

“Trix?” The last thing she needs right now is Katya coming even closer to her, but she’s there anyway, fingers wrapped around her wrist comfortingly, and Trixie flinches at how cold Katya’s skin feels.

“I’m fine I just- your fingers are really cold.”

“Trixie-“

Next thing she knows, Katya is pulling her into a hug, one of the tight ones Trixie always hoped to get more of, and her own eyes close shut when she leans her cheek on Katya’s shoulder.

“I got you, it’s okay.”

“I’m getting mascara all over your dress.”

“That’s why I always wear black dresses.”

 “In case girls decide to cry on your shoulder?”

“Yes, and to keep up with my bat aesthetic.”

That makes Trixie hiccup, then laugh, before she pulls herself away and wipes the tears from under her eyes, grateful she didn’t go with heavy makeup today.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine I just--- this week’s been a lot.”

 

Katya nods thoughtfully and rubs Trixie’s upper arms before she fishes for cigarettes in her pocket – of course Katya’s dress would have pockets - and asks Trixie if it’s okay if she smokes, to which Trixie nods, still finding it hard to speak.

“Your aunt?” Katya asks again when she exhales smoke in a direction opposite of where Trixie is standing.

“Yeah, and… other things.”

“Yeah?”

Trixie wants to tell her all about it. She wants to tell her how fucked up she is, and how bad of a person she is, how her girlfriend is in this very house downstairs with all their friends and all she can think about is stepping closer to Katya and kissing her. How she doesn’t deserve someone like Pearl, or Katya. Trixie wants to tell her how a part of her wishes she never went to Berlin because she’d have been there when Katya and Sharon broke up. She also wants to tell her how the last thing she wants is to hurt Pearl whom she loves and who has been nothing but great to her, but how her heart goes insane every time Katya is around. She wants to tell Katya other things, even more personal , and wants to tell her just how irrationally she’s in love with her, even though they still don’t know a lot of things about each other.

 

And yet, she doesn’t.

 

“I’m just tired, and I don’t really know what I want anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s kind of a long story, but just, you know, general things. Work, life, being back in Boston…”

“Having a hard time readjusting, huh?”

“Kinda, yeah. And the girls at _Honey_ are great but recently I’ve been thinking about opening my own salon but I don’t have the stability to, you know, mentally or financially.”

Katya nods along, and the absolute understanding Trixie finds in her eyes makes her want to cry again.

“A wise woman once told me: follow your gut and stick with it.”

“Was the wise woman you?”

Katya laughs, and Trixie finds herself smiling again.

“No! But I’ll tell you this: I believe that everything you set your mind to, Tracy, you can achieve.”

“You really want me to start crying again, don’t you?”

“Wet my shoulder baby one more time.”

The shriek-laugh leaves Trixie and eventually Adore finds the two of them laughing loudly together, both having long forgotten what exactly it was they have been laughing about.

 

Pearl goes home with her later that evening, and as they climb up the stairs to her small apartment, Trixie still thinks about Katya leaving with Kameron little before them, trying not to feel too bitter about it. Her own emotions aside, Katya has absolutely every right to move on from Sharon, and it would be selfish to feel betrayed or sulk about it. After all, Pearl is right next to her, with her arms around her, mumbling about how tired she is and how she can’t wait to get into bed.

Trixie watches her take off her clothes and go into the shower, and does the same once Pearl is out. Feeling mentally and physically drained, Trixie snuggles into Pearl under the covers in her king-sized bed that’s more than big enough for the two of them.

“I’m going to miss all of those bitches when I leave.”

Pearl’s voice is low and rumbling with her lips pressed to Trixie’s forehead, Trixie snuggled into her embrace and arm slung around Pearl’s bare, toned stomach.

“I’m going to miss you.” She adds, and Trixie looks up to find her blue eyes searching for hers, feeling a whirlwind of emotions from the night, from the week, from this moment, tearing her apart from the inside.

“I’ll miss you too.” Trixie finally croaks out, and she’s not lying. These past couple of weeks has been the longest she and Pearl have spent together, and Trixie’s gotten used to having her around. Waking up with Pearl and going to sleep with her has been her favorite part of the day, because she loves the feeling of being protected and safe, and loves having Pearl’s arms around her. She wishes, with all her heart, it was enough.

“You smell so good.” Pearl says then, and her lips are already leaving small, lingering kisses down Trixie’s face and her jawline. Once her teeth find Trixie’s neck and bite down playfully, Katya temporarily leaves Trixie’s mind. All she can think about are Pearl’s lips and Pearl’s hands running down her sides and fingers digging into soft flesh of her waist under her T-Shirt.

“Yeah?” She breathes out, scooting closer, suddenly hungry for physical touch, _Pearl’s_ touch, always so attentive and knowing of what Trixie wants and needs.

“Mhmmm.” When she sees Pearl smile and trail kisses down her bare stomach, her long fingers pushing Trixie’s underwear down her thighs before she settles between them, Trixie thinks she can make this work. Maybe she **_has_** been wrong all these years. Maybe it _was_ possible to love two people at the same time after all. She will think about what to do about that realization tomorrow.

.

.

.

 

Trixie is thankful that Kim is back on Monday, and they embrace tightly in the middle of the salon. She requests every single detail from the New York seminar, and Kim has just finished talking about how Brianna got food poisoning from one of the small delis when customers start pouring in. Without having to say anything, Trixie knows Kim wants her to talk about Adore and Bianca’s party, because Kim and Bob are the only people who knew about her liking Katya back then, two years ago. It has been the only thing that kept her sane through everything. Neither of them know about Trixie’s realizations _now,_ because saying them out loud would mean that it’s true, and Trixie is not ready to admit it to herself just yet.

Luckily for her, Kim is a really good reader of people.

 

“Come on, Trixie, I know you’ve been dying to tell me about the party all morning.”

They finally manage to sit down hours later, for lunch, and Trixie knows she doesn’t have a lot of time before their next appointments walk through their door.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you Kimberly, it was a housewarming party. Alcohol has been drunk, songs have been sung, we’ve all been roasted by Bianca at least once, Katya and I talked twice…”

“Katya was there?”

“Yeah, you know how much Adore loves her, of course she was there.”

“That must have been awkward, huh?”

“A little bit, yeah, but not too much. She hugged me on the balcony after I started sobbing right in front of her so that was fun.”

“Why were you sobbing?”

Trixie suddenly feels like she’s in a dark room, set up for interrogation. She feels she might as well tell her best friend about it, since mulling over the situation alone during the weekend did not help at all.

“Everything just hit me at once, and I am just so confused Kim-“

“So you still have feelings for her, huh?”

 

Kim asks the question with her eyebrows slightly raised, slurping on her noodles, and Trixie feels her heart swell. Kim Chi was never a judging type when it came to serious things, despite her jokes and judgment on every other occasion.

“I- I don’t know. I literally don’t know. It seems like those two years in Berlin did nothing to help me forget her. I feel like a dumbass.”

“And Pearl is in the picture.”

“And Pearl is in the picture.”

Trixie pokes at her own noodles unenthusiastically, sighing with a groan.

“I wish I had your problems.” Kim says then, and Trixie gapes at her with a scoff and an incredulous look on her face.

“Bitch!”

“Bitch nothing! You have these two gorgeous women fighting for you and you’re here being useless, complaining-“

“Katya isn’t fighting for me; I don’t think she even sees me like that.”

“Trixie please, she was here the first day you were back-“

“She didn’t know I was back, Kimberly, you’ve seen how surprised she was. And it doesn’t matter anyway; she went home with Bianca’s cousin that Adore invited only to hook them up so…”

“Oh. That sucks.”

Trixie half-shrugs, half-nods, shoving the fork full of noodles in her mouth. They both chew in silence for a couple of moments before Kim speaks up again.

“I still think you should talk to Pearl. This isn’t fair to her.”

“I know. I just don’t know how to bring it up. I think I’ll do it after their photoshoot thing on Friday.”

“Good idea. Oh! Speaking of which, I don’t think Brianna is going to make it for that.”

“Still sick? Yikes.”

“Yep. Adore will probably ask you to fill in, so just a heads up.”

“Why can’t you fill in, Kim? Katya and Pearl are both going to be there.” It's futile to say that her pouting does  _not_ work on her best friend.

“I can’t, they will need a hair person and I do make up. But even better! You can look and them both and decide which one you wanna bone for the rest of your life.”

“Kimberly!” Trixie laughs loudly, splattering her noodles everywhere.

“What? It’s a win-win! And I’m not cleaning up your shit. You’re on your own.”

.

.

.

 

Kim was right, Adore does storm into the salon on Tuesday morning, begging Trixie to help her out with the photoshoot on Friday, and Trixie does not see the way of turning it down without seeming suspicious. Adore, despite being a stoner who talks slowly, is incredibly smart and intuitive, and Trixie could have sworn she gauged at least some of the feelings Trixie has for Katya. And, Adore being one of Pearl’s best friends, is definitely the worst person to get suspicious right now, since Trixie wants Pearl to find about everything from _her_ and not anyone else. That is why she promises Adore to be there on Friday, and spends the rest of the week between preparing for it mentally and helping Pearl pack.

Pearl is busy enough not to notice the shift in Trixie’s behavior, or at least that's what Trixie wishes, with her getting increasingly jittery about Friday and genuinely not knowing how it will all end. A large part of her _hopes_ in vain that whatever she felt during these past couple of weeks have just been emotions intensified by the loss of her aunt, and not something that could potentially change her life, make her lose Pearl and fuck up her friendship with Katya. She's a mess, and she needs time she doesn't have to process just how much of a mess she is.

When Friday finally rolls around, Trixie and Pearl go to the agency together, and Katya is the first one to greet them in the hallway, giving them both tight Katya hugs and looking much less tense than when she’s seen them at the party. Trixie wants to ask her about Kameron, but they barely get the chance to talk to each other for majority of the day. Katya, on the other hand, looks at Trixie with a newly found wonder Trixie can't place, crinkles around her eyes she's earned by constantly laughing, and Trixie finds herself wanting to know every single thing that makes Katya tick. 

 

Watching Katya and Pearl work together is an… experience, and she cannot tear her eyes away when Katya runs to Pearl to fix strands of her puffy blonde hair or talks to her with her arms flailing all over the place. Pearl, being herself, feels absolutely unfazed by Katya’s chaotic energy and the way she bursts out laughing at whatever Katya says makes Trixie’s nerves spike. After talking to Kim on Monday, she knows that she needs to do _something_ about this stupid situation, but now, looking at the two of them laughing when Pearl made a funny face and flipped Katya off, Trixie knows that at least one person will end up hurt. Love sucks.

 

Katya runs up to her during one of the breaks, begging her to do something with her bangs that keep falling into her eyes, and Trixie spends fifteen minutes laughing at the stubborn blonde strands, attracting curious glances from all of their friends. Katya watches no one else but her, murmuring jokes and egging her on even more, and Trixie swears that no one, not even Pearl, exists around them for a hot minute. Selfish. 

Once the individual shots are done, the group shots follow, and Adore and Trixie watch the entire thing unfold, standing just off the side where Katya was kneeling and shouting instructions at the girls and Michelle is sitting and watching it happen.

“Katya’s insanely talented, man.” Adore comments, her arms folded, her and Trixie’s bags half-packed besides their feet. It’s the last set of the day, and Michelle promised to buy them all dinner afterward.

“She is, she’s always talked about how she wanted to be a photographer when I met her.”

“Oh yeah, you’ve known each other for a long time, right?”

“Three years, more or less. Violet brought her to the salon one day and she just kept coming back.”

“Until you left?”

Trixie looks over at Adore, and Adore’s looking at her with an expression Trixie can’t quite read.

“Yeah, I guess so. I didn’t really keep tabs on my American customers once I moved.”

“Uh huh.” Adore nods and looks away and at the girls again, and Trixie can’t help but feel a little bit uneasy.

“Is everything okay, Adore?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

 

It’s the first time Trixie has noticed a tiny bit of hostility from an otherwise chill Adore, and it makes her heart sink. _She knows, she knows, she knows._ It’s unsure  _how_ Adore knows, but it’s the only thing that would explain this behavior. Trixie opens her mouth and closes it again, and they don’t speak again until the set is done and everyone is doing a group hug and Trixie is painfully aware of Katya’s arm around her waist from her right.

 

Trixie and Pearl don’t stay for dinner, since Pearl’s plane is at 4 am, and Trixie is the one taking her, so they need time to get her all packed up. When they finally zip up the second and final suitcase hours later, Trixie can feel the heart in her throat and when Pearl comes to hug her, she knows that this is the time to make a decision. If she stays silent, she will take Pearl to the airport, kiss her goodbye, and they will be back to their long distance relationship until November.

It could be enough time to figure out her feelings, Trixie thinks in one fleeting moment as she hears Pearl’s heart beat under her cheek, but then remembers Kim’s words and how unfair it would be to the girl that has been nothing but kind to her. If they stay together, it might take weeks, months, even years until her feelings for Katya fade, and Trixie doesn't know if she can bear kissing Pearl one more time with Katya on her mind. If they break up now, and Katya doesn't like her back, Trixie will have to live with the consequences and it's nothing less than she deserves with getting herself into this situation. And if Katya  _does_ like her, somewhere down the line... that scenario scares her as much as it excites her. That thought alone makes the final decision  _that_ much easier.

 

“Pearl?”

“Yeah babe?”

“What time is it?”

“Five minutes after midnight.  Do you want to go eat something? We still have time.”

“Sure. But uh…”

“What’s up, Trix?”

“We should talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Let me hear your thoughts, I am super curious! Leave me comments or come talk about it on tumblr!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya thinks she’s ready to see Trixie walk into the small coffee shop at the corner of a street where Honey Salon is, but when she spots her in a blue dress and a ponytail high on her head, Katya needs to remember how to breathe. Every time Trixie is around, Katya feels seriously underdressed, and today is no exception, with her black thigh-high shorts and a Russian band tank top she’s gotten several years back during her family trip to St. Petersburg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we start, several things: 1. I promise I didn't rob you guys of Pearl x Trixie conversation, we will be coming back to that in the next chapter.
> 
> 2\. Thank you @samwhambam and another wonderful anon for tips and ideas for the carnival things. PS- I know nothing about North American fairs so just go with it, okay?
> 
> 3\. The band mentioned in the chapter is a Russian Folk Pagan Metal band Arkona that I've seen live several years back, and this Katya definitely used to listen to them. For reference feel free to look up Goi, Rode, Goi! on youtube.
> 
> Finally - please leave comments or come talk to me on tumblr [@katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com/). This is the biggest chapter to date and I would love to know what you think! I've probably re-written every single part of it at least three times.

 

Katya likes Kameron. She likes the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way she tells jokes and laughs at Katya’s ones. She likes her long red hair, and the way she flips it over her shoulder when she leans in to listen to Katya speak. She likes all of her tattoos, especially the one under her collarbone that Kameron said she got overseas and that hurt like a bitch. She appreciates Kameron taking her to a bar after the party and paying for her Coke and asking about her life. Kameron smells nice and is absolutely fucking gorgeous, and if it had been any other point in time, Katya would have given it a chance.

Katya likes Kameron, but right now it’s the same way she likes Adore, or Shea. She enjoys the hours they spend together after the party, sitting in a bar and walking through the park, talking about life, love, and the universe, but she doesn’t feel the need to take her hand or kiss her, because she now knows she is in love someone else. That’s why, when she drives Kameron home a little before sunrise, Katya tells her that they had a lovely time but that they can’t be more than friends, and Kameron looks a little hurt but agrees. They embrace tightly and Katya promises to send her a copy of the calendar once it’s done. Kameron, in turn, promises she’d call her whenever she needs a photographer.

When she comes all over her own fingers an hour later, alone in her own bed, all Katya can think about is Trixie’s song, Trixie’s smile and the way Trixie’s eyes lingered on hers that night.

.

.

.

 

The following week passes in a blur, between yoga classes and preparations for the photo shoot, and Katya doesn’t even have the time to properly talk to Violet who called her as soon as she read her text the morning after the party. She’s proud of Katya for not going down the self-destructive spiral with Kameron, and even more proud of Katya for not actively trying to get between Pearl and Trixie despite her feelings.

The day of the photo shoot flies by quickly too, and Katya doesn’t remember the last time she’s had that much fun, despite the nerves and the headache she’s woken up with. All Katya can feel is the absolute elation once they are done and embracing on the set, proud of herself, and proud of the girls she has the luck to call her friends. This was her first huge photography project, and she knows it will definitely give a boost to her gradually growing numbers on her official social media pages. When she gets home after the dinner with the girls, she has already received many a phone call, from agencies throughout the city and random people alike, all coming to her after Michelle’s recommendation. For the first time in years, Katya feels that her hard work has finally paid off and she celebrates it with a slice of chocolate cake and a glass of Coke in her apartment, alone. For the first time in forever, she feels _content._

Trixie likes all of the photos she posts over the weekend, most of them from behind the scenes of the photo shoot, and Katya _almost_ messages her at least three times, knowing that Pearl is gone on her tour. On the other hand, Katya is unsure of how she would react being alone with Trixie, aware now of her feelings and knowing she cannot act on them. She knows that Violet would tell her to say away for some time, so she doesn’t ask her, and plans on visiting Ginger and telling her the entire story for the weekend instead, hoping for clarity that doesn’t come on its own.

Katya never gets the chance to call Ginger, however, since Violet runs into the yoga studio on Friday, a week after the photo shoot, grinning from ear to ear and telling her she has news. Katya knows that Violet would never bother coming all this way for something small, so she spends the entire class distracted, muttering _good job_ and mechanically correcting people’s postures, feeling nervous for what seems a millionth time that month. Her best friend, on the other hand, thinks it’s somehow appropriate to make her _wait_ the entire ride to her small apartment, having gotten sushi and drinks for the night.

 

“So are you going to tell me why you fought the receptionist to get to me today, bitch?”

“You have to work on your patience, Kat. You’re horrible at it.”

Katya can see Violet smiling at her in amusement from across the room, chewing on her sushi while Katya pours her a glass of wine and soda for herself.

“I don’t know why I’m friends with you, all you do is bully me.”

“But you’re going to love me for this.”

“Vi, honestly---“

“Okay, okay! Jeez! Come, sit down.”

“Vi, if you’re pregnant, you know I’m going to support you no matter what-“

“Oh you know you’d be my baby daddy, bitch. It’s not that.”

Katya laughs, bringing her glass and her own, suddenly thinking that Violet is about to tell her that she’s moving to New York when Shea does. That had to be it, right? The prospect of losing her best friend seemed like the last thing Katya would need right now, but she’s happy for Violet finally pulling her shit together.

“So, you know Courtney, right? The Australian?”

“We saw her that night in the club, right?”

“Yeah. So, she’s in New York for a job and guess who she saw at one of the parties on Tuesday?”

“Who?”

“Pearl.”

“Oh, the tour, right?”

“Yep. But guess what? She saw Pearl Liaison kissing another girl that’s _not_ Trixie Mattel.”

 

Katya blinks, mouth falling open, feeling her heart skip several beats. Since she doesn’t speak, Violet continues, looking highly amused, the way Violet always did when she had a juicy piece of gossip.

“So you know how word travels fast, right? Courtney calls Naomi, Naomi calls Shea, and Shea calls Adore. Turns out – Pearl and Trixie broke up last Saturday. Or Friday, I don’t know.”

“What?” Katya’s throat is suddenly dry, so the words come out a croak.

“Exactly! No one knows _why_ since apparently Pearl didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Trixie and Pearl broke up?”

“Yes, bitch, that’s what I’m telling you.”

“What about Trixie? Did anyone talk to her?”

Violet grins over her glass, as if she can _hear_ Katya’s **bones** trembling under her skin. Is it nerves? Excitement?

“Nope, but that’s where you come in.”

Katya can see Violet wink and snorts.

“Oh I’m so _not_ going to do that.”

“Zamo, you know you’re my favorite, but if you miss out on this, I’ll kick your ass.”

 

Katya shifts on the couch, looking away from Violet who is practically bouncing in her seat, telling her to call or text Trixie. Trixie and Pearl broke up, the night of the party or the day after. Suddenly Trixie crying on Katya’s shoulder last Friday makes more sense, and Katya berates herself for not noticing that maybe that relationship wasn’t as great as she previously thought. Violet lets the realization sink in, but not for too long.

“Katya, text her.”

“And say what? A friend of your ex told her friend who then told my best friend that you’re available now so let’s go out?”

Violet laughs out loud and smacks Katya’s knee.

“No, dumbass, just text her like you normally text her.”

“We don’t really text.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that.”

“We don’t! Last time I texted her was when I found out her aunt died, that’s it. And last weekend she liked my shit on instagram but---“

“You know, I wouldn’t be surprised they broke up because of you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh come on, Katya, even my blind grandmother sees she’s into you as much as you’re into her.”

Katya doesn’t say anything in return, but glances at her phone, not feeling hungry anymore and in a dire need of a cigarette. If they really broke up, for good, it would be her chance to do something, anything. Yet, the universe has been a bitch to her all her life, so there is absolutely no way that both her work and love life would all align in one week, right? She takes off her glasses and rubs her eyes and only then remembers her mascara but is too wired to care.

“Oh my god.”

“I know! Do it, before she moves away to Germany again or something.”

 

So Katya does. But, she doesn’t do it right away, only when it’s past two in the morning and both she and Violet are lying in Katya’s bed together. It’s a simple: _Hello Tracy,_ but it makes Katya’s palms sweat either way, and she’s grateful for her best friend being right there, albeit already passed out. When the reply doesn’t arrive for an hour, Katya can already feel the anxiety eating her alive. Violet’s arms wrap around her from behind when she lets out an exasperated groan, so she flinches into the embrace a little and laughs.

“You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were asleep.”

“I can hear you _overthink_ from the other side of the bed. Figured you’d like one of these.”

Katya smiles into the darkness and scoots closer into the embrace, Violet’s front fully pressed into her back.

“You being a big spoon is a surprise that’s- ow!”

Violet’s bitten her shoulder and they are both laughing when Katya’s hand finds Violet’s, settled comfortably on her own stomach, and intertwines their fingers.

“I only big spoon for you. Be grateful. Tell me why you broke up with me again?”

Katya laughs, and her head turns to look at Violet, whose eyes are still closed.

“Because you’re an insensitive cunt.”

“Says the bitch who forgot about my birthday-“

“That was _one_ time!”

“Whatever. I bet you never forget Trixie’s birthday.”

“Actually I don’t even know when her birthday is.”

“You better find out soon.”

Violet nuzzles the nape of Katya’s neck one she turns her face away back to the room and kisses the skin there. They are silent for couple of moments, and Katya can feel Violet’s breathing evening out gradually once again.

“Vi?”

“Mmmm?”

“Thanks. For everything.”

“Everything for you, Zamo. Now let me sleep.”

Her words are barely a mumble through Katya’s hair, but she squeezes her with her arms one last time before Katya can feel herself drifting off to sleep too.

.

.

.

 

Trixie texts her back Sunday morning, but Katya doesn’t see it  right away, having gone for a run and a yoga class with Violet, who’s temporarily moved in with her since she would be leaving for another gig, this time in L.A., for two weeks. Katya jokes that Violet is traveling more with the modeling agency than she did with the burlesque show, but is happy that her friend is getting gigs left and right. It also means more stories that don’t revolve around Trixie, and Katya is grateful for _any_ distraction at this point.

She sees the text when she’s back from yoga Sunday afternoon, Violet having left to pack right after.

 

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _Hey Katya :)_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _I’m good, how are you?_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _Busy weekend? :) :) :)_

 

Katya realizes she’s missed texting Trixie and her excessive use of emojis, so she texts right back, even though it took Trixie more than a day to reply.

 

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _Not really_

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _Just came back from yoga, Vi was staying over and just left_

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _You?_

 

She receives a response almost instantly, and she sits by the window to have a smoke, her hands clammy as they dig for the cigarettes.

 

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _That sounds like a busy Sunday_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _All I did since I woke up is eat :D_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _I kinda wanna go for coffee but too lazy_

 

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _You should_

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _It’s beautiful outside_

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _Birds are chirping, cars are honking, humidity’s on vacation_

 

Katya’s fingers hover over the keyboard as she ponders inviting Trixie out for coffee, but Trixie isn’t as reluctant.

 

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _Sold_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _Wanna come with? :)_

 

That’s definitely Katya’s heart thumping loudly against her chest and she takes a drag of smoke, and then a deep breath. Aside from that one day, and days at the salon, the two of them never spent time together, alone, in the middle of the day. Katya wills her brain to slow down, and at the same time _tries_ not to type _yes_ in caps lock. She sees Trixie is typing again.

 

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _If you have time of course, now that you’re a famous photographer ;)_

Katya laughs and shakes her head, holding the cigarette between her lips as she types back.

 

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _I can find time for my hairdresser, I guess_

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _;)_

 **_Katya Zamo:_ ** _Coffee at Aldy’s?_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _Sounds good_

 **_Tracy Martel:_ ** _Meet you there at 3?:D_

 **_Katya:_ ** _Yep! See ya!_

.

.

.

 

Katya thinks she’s ready to see Trixie walk into the small coffee shop at the corner of a street where _Honey Salon_ is, but when she spots her in a blue dress and a ponytail high on her head, Katya needs to remember how to breathe. Every time Trixie is around, Katya feels seriously underdressed, and today is no exception, with her black thigh-high shorts and a Russian band tank top she’s gotten several years back during her family trip to St. Petersburg.

Trixie goes straight for a hug and Katya holds her a moment too long, both wanting to say how sorry she is for everything with Pearl and trying to not swoon.

“You look fantastic.” She speaks first when they part and Trixie sit on the opposite side of her, taking sunglasses off and letting them rest on the table.

“Aw, thank you Katya. You look amazing too. I love that shirt!”

“Thanks.”

“What does it say?”

“Oh! It’s a band name, Arkona. Russian… I used to be a huge fan.  Mostly because I had a big lesbian crush on the lead singer.”

“What, do they sing about drinking blood and sacrificing virgins?”

Katya wheezes and Trixie looks pleased, as she does every time when she makes Katya laugh.

“Close enough. I’ll send you some of their music if you want.”

“Is it in Russian?”

“Mostly, yeah.”

“Then no thanks.”

“Bitch!”

Both of them are laughing now, not caring about the heads that turn their way, and Katya hops up from her seat.

“What do you want to drink?”

“Oh I’ll get it, I forgot.”

“No no, sit down. On me.”

 

Trixie gives what Katya thinks is an unnecessarily complicated coffee order that she has to mutter under her breath before she repeats it out loud to the barista and adds another plain black to the order too, for herself. When she digs her wallet out of the back pocket, Katya chances a look Trixie’s way, and feels a shiver deep in her spine when she finds that Trixie’s turned in her chair and looking at her, propped on the elbow and chin on her hand. Katya can’t help but grin back before paying for their drinks and returning to the table.

Two hours pass in a heartbeat, and Katya has forgotten about the time and the empty cup between her fingers as she and Trixie talk about the photo shoot from the week before and several other projects Katya is working on. Trixie tells her that she, too, has started taking home visits from customers who don’t feel like coming into the salon, as well as couple of weddings and graduations. Katya agrees that it is a great way to build a client base if she ever does decide to open her own.

After that, Trixie tells her more about life in Berlin, and Katya spends a lot of time asking about different things she’s heard about Germany, mostly about architecture and history, and she finds that Trixie shares the same enthusiasm about the interests that Katya thought no one else cared about. Over the course of two hours, Trixie doesn’t mention Pearl once, and Katya doesn’t want to bring it up, not wanting to make her uncomfortable or aware that everyone knows before she’s shared it with them.

 

When they fall silent at one point, Trixie sipping on her second drink, Katya opts for a safer option.

“You look happier than you did at the party.” It’s an easy observation, considering they spent the last fifteen minutes laughing.

“Yeah, I am.” Trixie says, looking up from the window and then at Katya, eyes narrowing as if she’s thinking.

“What?” Katya laughs.

“I broke up with Pearl.”

Her voice is expressionless, a corner of mouth turned downward and her cheeks tinted slightly pink, and Katya looks at her for a moment longer before she nods.

“Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather not.”

“Okay.”

“I’m okay, though. It’s for the best.”

 

Katya nods along, lips pursed, trying to find the best thing to say and trying not to look too happy or sad about it. Trixie does seem fine, even though she’s not breaking their eye contact, making Katya’s butterflies act up again.

“If you ever need to talk about it, I’m here for you.”

Before Katya can finish her sentence, Trixie’s hand reaches out and settles on her wrist, resting next to her cup of coffee, and squeezes. Her fingers, unlike Katya’s, are warm and all she wants to hold them between her own. Trixie lets go soon after though, but leans over a bit closer to brush Katya’s bangs from her forehead.

“Thanks. What I _do_ need though, is cut those bangs. They’re really bothering me.”

The small tense moment is broken and Katya laughs as Trixie leans back once again, her lips back on the straw, pulled into a grin.

“God, fine, I’ll stop by the salon tomorrow.”

“Or we can go right now.”

“Isn’t _Honey_ closed on Sundays?”

“Yeah, so what?”

Katya laughs at the way Trixie’s eyebrows wiggle as she finishes her drink.

“I don’t want Latrice to murder either of us.”

“Latrice would understand that I’m doing a good deed for the society here. Plus, it’s not like we’d be breaking in, I have the keys.”

“Fuck you and your hate towards my bangs, I look perfectly _fine_ for my age-”

“I said what I said grandma, let’s go.”

 

They get to the salon barely ten minutes later, and Trixie listens to all the voicemails they have gotten, writing down notes for Latrice and scheduling people who have called to confirm their appointments. Katya, during that time, flips through several magazines, leaned on the counter, before Trixie takes her hand and makes her sit down on the usual stool and wraps the cape around her. When Trixie takes off Katya’s glasses and puts them on top of her own head, casually, Katya’s heart grows three times its size. It’s pathetic, really, how much she’s in love with this girl.

“Do you ever miss Germany?”

“I wouldn’t go back, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Trixie comes to stand between Katya’s legs as she digs for the scissors from one of the drawers behind her, and Katya almost laughs at the predicament she’s found herself in. She is barely even trying to stop herself from fantasizing about pulling Trixie into her lap and how her ass would feel under the tight fabric of the blue dress if she put her hands on it. When she speaks again, Katya has to clear her throat.

“But I thought you said the quality of life is better there.”

“Well, yes and no. It would be nice to live there if I had anyone from here living with me. Otherwise it’s just lonely as fuck.”

“Yeah I get that.”

“Tip your head back a little.”

Her fingers come under Katya’s chin and press lightly, tilting her head upwards as she leans down, their faces only inches apart. Katya doesn’t remember the last time Trixie’s face was this close to hers, even during haircuts, and she finds herself not breathing for a couple of moments as Trixie cuts the excess strands.

“Like, the food is great, the people are great, but fully changing the country and the language when I’m almost thirty? No, mama, not if I don’t need to.”

“Yeah, my parents did that when they came over from Russia. I know it’s been hard for them for a long time.”

“Exactly. Your parents are heroes, honestly, I don’t know how they did it.”

Katya closes her eyes when Trixie brushes her fingers through the bangs, styling them, and when she reopens them, she finds that Trixie is closer than ever, on eye level, lips slightly parted. Neither of them speaks for a second; as if they’re both surprised at how easily they came closer to each other without noticing.

“You have so many freckles.” Trixie tries first, and Katya thinks she heard her voice drop down to a whisper, but she’s not entirely sure, not with all the white noise that her own heart is producing at Trixie’s proximity.

“Yeah… You didn’t notice before?” Katya replies, and she sees Trixie’s gaze fall from her eyes to her mouth. If Katya moved just an inch closer, maybe two, their lips would meet, but her muscles seem to not be listening to her brain, or are actively sabotaging it.

“No. They’re pretty.” Trixie seems immobile herself, save for her eyes that travel back up to Katya’s, and the moment seems to prolong into an eternity before Katya replies.

“So are yours.”

 

Katya chickens out. Or maybe Trixie chickens out first, because she clears her throat and moves away, but not before she puts Katya’s eyeglasses back on. Nothing on her face indicates that she’s aware of what happened just moment before, aside from the pink that spreads in splotches across her face and down her neck.

“There, you’re back to Atomic Bland again.”

Katya laughs, but her throat is dry and it comes out a chortle before she coughs, suddenly feeling how hot it is in the salon and wanting to leave.

“How much do I owe you?”

Trixie rolls her eyes and Katya expects a sarcastic reply, but her lips pull into a grin instead.

“How about you walk me home and we call it even?”

She agrees, untangling from the cape and giving it to Trixie to put away. Her heart is still beating wildly in her chest, combined with a tinge of regret for not being slightly faster and slightly more daring. But, Trixie had just gotten out of a relationship and kissing her might not be the best idea right now.

If only someone would tell that to her heart, which doesn’t calm down for the entire walk to Trixie’s (or rather Kim’s) apartment. What she _does_ know is that whatever happened back at the salon was definitely an almost-kiss, and that all her friends might have been right about Trixie liking her back. The walk is short, mostly silent, save from them talking about their busy schedules for the upcoming week. Katya is too focused on thinking through what just happened between them, and Trixie is too busy looking at Katya, even though the latter doesn’t notice it at all. When they reach the building, Katya gets pulled into another tight, long hug.

 

“Thanks for getting me out of the house today; I didn’t realize how much I needed it.”

“It’s not a problem, Trix, call me anytime you want.”

Her hands are resting on Trixie’s lower back as Trixie’s arms are still tightly wrung around her shoulders. If anyone asked, Katya would tell them she wanted to stay like this forever. Trixie’s hugs were easily becoming her favorite thing, so she wasn’t in a hurry to end this one in particular.

“Anytime?”

“Yeah. Unless I’m sleeping, or I’ll fuck you up.”

Trixie bursts out laughing close to her ear, making Katya wince and sending her into fits of laughter too. They cling onto each other even when Trixie pulls back, with her hand on Katya’s forearm and Katya’s fingers resting lightly on her hip, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“If that’s the case, do you want to go to the fair with me on Friday?”

“The fair?”

“Yes! The end-of-summer carnival downtown, it starts the second weekend of August every year and goes on until September.”

“Yeah, yeah I know, I just--- of course you’re a carnival girl.”

“Couldn’t you tell I’m into clowns with this makeup?”

They don’t stop laughing until Trixie presses her lips on Katya’s cheek in a goodbye five minutes later, and she lingers there for a painfully long time before pulling away and walking to the entrance, turning around to wave one more time before going inside.

As Katya waves back and stands there for couple of more moments with hands in her pockets, she wonders why no one told her how much of a coward she is, having the chance to kiss Trixie Mattel twice today, and chickening out both times. Violet will never let her live it down.

.

.

.

 

Katya hands in her resignation notice at the yoga studio Tuesday morning, after spending the entirety of Monday night trying to work out her schedule and combine both photography gigs with her classes. She promises the owner, Alyssa, that she would be back if there’s a need to, and that she will still come in as a customer on Sundays. Alyssa makes her almost tear up in return, telling her how proud she is of her, and how far she’s come in all the years she’s known her.

Wednesday and Thursday fly by, with her running from one gig to another, thankful for her car that takes her from one side of the city to another, her camera full of photos of births, funerals and going away parties. Until she started getting these jobs, Katya had virtually no idea how many excuses people found to celebrate and spend their money on parties, but she doesn’t complain since parties brings cash, more than enough to save and move to a bigger apartment by the end of the year.

She gets stuck at Michelle’s agency for the majority of Friday, going over the calendar project photos, easily losing the track of time until her phone buzzes sometime after lunch.

 

_**Tracy Martel:** 7pm tonight?_

_**Tracy Martel:** I’m craving deep fried Oreos :D :( :D_

 

Katya grins at her phone; spinning in the chair Michelle provided for her while she worked, suddenly forgetting about everything else but her outing with Trixie that night. They have been texting back and forth since Sunday, with Trixie wishing her good morning and good night, and Katya taking photos of sunsets to send to her on rare occasions when the conversation died down. Katya can barely remember the time when she was nervous about texting Trixie, since she makes it so easy, gracefully allowing her to hop from one topic to another.

All the signals pointed that _this, tonight,_ is about to be a date, but Katya tries not to think about it that way, despite what Violet and Ginger say. Ginger has finally been let in on the entire situation, and their group chat has constantly been on fire, with Violet giving her tips on how to _relax_ and not _overthink_ every single flirty thing Trixie would send, and Ginger constantly asking what she was going to wear. Katya knows they are excited that she is finally moving on, but today she can’t bear to look at any messages they send. Instead, she replies to Trixie right away.

 

_**Katya Zamo:** Yep! I’ll pick you up?_

_**Katya Zamo:** And what the fuck are deep fried Oreos?_

_**Katya Zamo:** You know what, I don’t want to know, I just had lunch_

 

_**Tracy Martel:** Um how do you not know what they are :O_

_**Tracy Martel:** Just the best thing in the world :D_

_**Tracy Martel:** I’ll show you tonight ;) ;) ;)_

_**Tracy Martel:** Will be in front of the building at 7 sharp :)  <3_

 

Katya feels her stomach twist with nerves, but this time it’s good – it’s _exciting._ An entire evening with Trixie, without any of their friends, there is no _Pearl_ or _Sharon_ , and it’s most likely a date. Katya can barely believe her luck, but she remembers Violet’s words and reminds herself to _breathe._ Even if Trixie does not like her _that_ way, despite last Sunday, they will have a great time because they have things in common and because they can talk for hours on end without getting bored of each other.

 

_**Katya Zamo:** See you soon, Tracy_

_**Katya Zamo:** :*_

 

Katya barely has the energy to focus on work afterwards, finishes the photos she’s started and texts Michelle that she’d come into the office tomorrow morning to finish the rest. It takes her two hours to go home, shower, and pick an outfit that both she and the group chat likes – a thigh-high red skirt and a black button up with little polka dots all over it, with see-through sleeves. She lets her hair air-dry so it’s wavy, and has few problems with taming her bangs now that they are freshly cut. Her makeup is classic Katya, as Violet would say, with a smoky eye and a red lipstick. She spends the rest of the time pacing around her apartment and smoking next to her window, too nervous to watch TV or do anything else, really.

At six sharp she leaves the house, deciding that she’d drive around, wash her car and pick up a pack of gum and some snacks if they need it later for the fireworks – Trixie explicitly said that they _cannot_ miss them at 11pm – and before she knows it it’s close to seven and she’s parking behind Kim’s building, knee bouncing in her seat from the nerves. Just as she gets out of the car and walks over to the passenger door to light a cigarette, she sees Trixie walking her way, grinning.

And _god_ she looks **beautiful.**

 

Her dress is soft baby pink, decorated with lace in the middle and at its ends, right above her knees, around her forearms and across her collarbone, revealing a bit more skin than usual and turning Katya’s brain to mush. Her pink platforms match the dress and the small flower crown at the top of her blonde head, hair falling down in soft waves to the middle of her waist. Katya can’t help but stare, and only stops when she sees Trixie blush profusely when she comes close.

“You-- wow.”

“You too.”

They look at each other for a little bit before Trixie presses her lips on Katya’s cheekbone and Katya pulls her into a hug, feeling Trixie relaxing into it.

“Were you waiting for too long? Kim’s been on my ass to clean up the living room so I thought I’d be late.”

“No, you’re fine, I just got here and came out to smoke.”

“Oh yeah, go ahead.”

“No no, we can go, I'll smoke later.”

They smile at each other again, and Katya notices the glittering highlight across Trixie’s cheekbones and has the urge to kiss it. Instead, she opens the passenger door and Trixie murmurs a little thank you before she closes it and runs to her side.

 

“Did you finish what you wanted to today?” Trixie asks as Katya turns down the music that has been blasting and shakes her head.

“Not everything; I’ll do the rest tomorrow. I still have October, November and December left.”

“I can’t wait to see how it turns out.”

“It’s really great, Trix, I'll show you. Did you have a busy day?”

They talk about Trixie’s day for the entire ride downtown, and Katya is content to just look at her talk animatedly about her customers and the most recent updates on the _Honey_ team. When they get into the parking lot just behind the fair, Trixie grabs Katya’s arm and squeezes it before shooting out of the car.

“Deep fried Oreos here we come!”

“Oh god.” Katya laughs but follows her either way, realizing that this is the first time she’s seen Trixie being excited this way, like a kid in a candy shop, and she loves it.

 

Busy places are not something Katya is really a fan of, but having Trixie, _Trixie_ next to her makes everything more bearable, especially when she takes Katya’s hand so they wouldn’t lose each other among the crowd. They find the fried Oreos stand almost immediately, and Katya scrunches her nose as Trixie bites into one and moans loudly.

“Why the fuck would someone fry something already so full of sugar?”

“I still can’t believe you fully never tried these.”

“Came to America when I was ten, remember? I was too cool for cotton candy after that.”

“So they don’t have fairs in Russia?”

“They do! They just don’t sell heart attacks on a stick in Russia.”

“Right, they probably serve vodka to first graders—“

“You really have some horrible perceptions about Russia, don’t you?”

Trixie laughs, almost choking on her Oreo, making Katya snort and tap her back gently, giving her time to swallow to speak again.

“I guess I can always take you when I go next time.”

Trixie’s face lights up as she finishes her bite, still holding out the remaining two in between them.

“I’d love that. But you have to try one of these first.”

“Trix-“

“Come on Katya, where’s your sense of adventure?”

“ _This_ is the adventure you wanted to take me on?”

“Maybe. Don’t be a pussy.”

 

When Katya finally agrees, though reluctantly, Trixie holds out the fried Oreo ball for Katya to take a bite. Suddenly Katya doesn’t care that what she’s biting into is diabetes in a ball, because Trixie is feeding her. It turns out that fried Oreos are not that bad at all, and they share the last one together as they walk between the food and souvenir stands.

Once they reach the games, Katya insists on winning a toy for Trixie, and it takes her four infuriating rounds of Duck Pond to win a medium-sized pink bunny with rainbow ears that she gives to Trixie. Trixie, on the other hand, tries not to blush too much when she thanks her and tells her she’d name it Linda, and Katya agrees even if she thinks it’s a ridiculous name to give to a rabbit.

Trixie gets Katya to ride the bumper cars in exchange for the Ferris wheel ride after that, with Linda safely tucked away in her backpack. They spend half an hour crashing into each other, with Trixie scream-laughing and Katya yelling at not only Trixie, but also the kids who gang up on her under Trixie’s instruction. She knows her back and knees will be killing her in the morning once she wobbles out of the car area, but the flushed, elated look on Trixie’s face and the way her arm tangles with Katya’s once she leans into her make it worth it.

“I haven’t done that in at least seven years.”

“Me neither, the last time I sat in one of those I was still short enough to fit in them.”

“So you want to say you’re not short now?”

“Fuck you!”

Trixie starts laughing when Katya bumps her hip with hers lightly, barely reaching it since Trixie is towering over her even in small platforms, proving her point. They walk over to the bottom of the Ferris wheel and Trixie nervously glances at her watch.

 

“Katya, we don’t have time for this.”

“What do you mean? It’s only half past nine!”

“Yeah but the lines and then the ride takes a while, so…”

“Trix… are you afraid of heights?”

Trixie snorts, but her eye roll is not convincing enough for Katya whose grin is growing increasingly in size and amusement.

“I’m not afraid of heights!”

“You told me you were on one of these in Berlin!”

“I was, because I’m not afraid of heights!”

“Listen we don’t have to go—“

“Katya!”

“---because I didn’t know I was on a date with a chicken—“

“Date?”

 

Katya freezes when her brain finally catches up to her mouth and her eyes widen, lips moving but no sound comes out as a response. Her terror is apparently amusing to Trixie, because the pouting stance she’s taken is slowly melting away, replaced with slight surprise and a moment later she’s beaming. Katya doesn't know whether Trixie is about to make fun of her or deny the fact that they are on a date, both options terrifying. The terror dissipates a moment after, when Trixie takes her hand and tugs her gently towards the Ferris wheel’s line.

“For the record, I’m afraid of getting _stuck_ on the top there and dying, _not_ of the heights.”

Katya laughs and nods, feeling her cheeks crimson and hot, but doesn’t say anything else. Instead, she turns over to comment on another ride that looks vomit-inducing and starts talking about the scenarios most likely to happen if the power goes out, and Trixie lets her. By the time they get to the ride, the awkwardness is once again gone and they are getting looks from people around them as they joke about getting stuck on the top and getting blown away by the wind.

 

Once inside their seats, Trixie stays close to Katya just in case, and Katya thanks her body for not making her sweat excessively for the first time in forever. She glances down at their hands, intertwined on her lap.

“You okay?”

Trixie nods against her shoulder and squeezes her hand.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight, Katya.”

“Of course. It's really fun, even though I broke both my kneecaps in those tiny cars.”

Trixie laughs and pulls away slightly to nuzzle Katya’s neck. It causes the goosebumps to rise on the back of Katya's neck, and it has nothing to do with the wind that picks up around them.

“We’re _so_ going to die up here.” She murmurs and Katya pulls her hand away to wrap it around Trixie’s shoulders.

“If we get stuck, you’re allowed to eat my legs. I give you my consent.”

“I don’t think I’d survive long. You’re all… bony.”

“You’re welcome to hug the seat then.”

“Noooo.”

Katya can virtually see the pout even though it’s safely tucked away below her chin, and the wheel comes to a slow stop at the highest point, where it will pause for couple of minutes before moving again.

 

“Look, you can see the building where _Honey_ is from here.”

The city of Boston stretches out for miles in each direction, the lights from the buildings, both far away and close twinkling against the dark sky, and Katya congratulates herself for unintentionally finding the most romantic place in town. Violet’s words cross her mind, about _overthinking_ , so she tries not to, even when Trixie pulls away from her to look at the lights, seemingly forgotten where they are.

“Katya, holy shit, this is beautiful.”

“I know.”

When their eyes meet, Katya reaches out to brush the strand of long blonde hair out of Trixie’s face, suddenly feeling _very_ nervouswhen she tucks it behind her ear. They don’t say another thing and she sees Trixie scooting close again, she can count the freckles on her nose and see her pupils dilating. Trixie’s lips part slightly and Katya is about to lean in too when the wheel jolts suddenly, the sound of Trixie’s scream carrying throughout the fair. Katya’s loud laughter too.

 

Trixie chooses to have ice cream instead of watching the fireworks after being scared to death, and Katya can’t stop laughing for a long time after they get off the ride. The unamused glare that Trixie gives her is almost worth it, and Katya feels her heart lighter than she did in years. Her entire relationship with Sharon was not as fun as tonight, and Katya can only hope that Trixie feels that way too. The fireworks go off when they are in the middle of the crowd, and Trixie leans into Katya who takes several photos on the phone, regretting not bringing her camera for the night.

The car ride back home is filled with the two of them singing Taylor Swift despite both of them groaning when it comes on and swearing how much they both hate it. Katya falls silent for several moments at a time, enjoying Trixie’s singing voice and remembering the song from Adore’s party, but doesn’t want to bring it up for fear of Pearl being mentioned again.

 

“How’s your heart doing?” She jokes when they park in front of Kim's building, and Trixie chucks a piece of chips they opened at her.

“Better, not thanks to you bitch!”

“Hey, I _did_ offer you my bow-legged knees.”

“You did, thank you for that.”

Katya knows that there are at least several unsaid things between the two of them, but they both keep dancing around it. She is almost sure that Trixie likes her back, and the only thing holding her back is the fact that the breakup with Pearl happened only two weeks before. It might be the reason why Trixie hasn't done anything yet, either.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Katya tries jokingly, grinning, making the other laugh.

“Nothing, I was just thinking how all we need is Al Stewart now.”

“A—what?”

“Nothing, it’s stupid.”

“Tell me.”

“Katya, it’s dumb, no.”

“You’ve listened to me talk about Tilt a Whirl chopping people’s head off for half an hour, it doesn’t get dumber than that.”

“It’s nothing, there was this song was playing the last time you drove me home, a long time ago--”

“Year of the Cat?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“You do?”

 

Of course Katya remembers. She remembers everything about that night, how she realized that she might be crushing on her favorite hairdresser and how there was no chance of anything ever happening between them since Sharon was waiting her at home and Trixie was telling her how she’s moving to another continent.

Now, things are different and there is virtually nothing stopping them this time around. All Katya wants to do is kiss Trixie, but remembers how every time she thought about it something went wrong, the last Sunday and tonight too. What if _that_ is the message from the universe to wait, even if the patience is a virtue she does _not_ have?

So, Katya does the best thing she can – she deflects.

“Did you know that the reason the song is called like that is because it was recorded during the Vietnamese Year of the Cat? That year corresponds to the Chinese Year of the Rabbit, and since the song was released mid-1976, it was the closest thing to the Year of the Rabbit. So good old Al thought-"

“Katya?”

“Yes?”

“Can you shut up, for like just _one_ second?”

 

Katya opens her mouth and looks over at Trixie, who unbuckled her seat already and is moving over towards her, the fingers cupping both sides of Katya’s face and lips pressing against her own - unceremoniously, impatiently, and it takes two seconds for her to realize what’s happening before she’s kissing back.

Trixie pulls away right after, her hands trailing down to lock at the nape of Katya’s neck, but their faces are close, closer than they have ever been, and Katya understands – the ball is in _her_ court now.

Sure of herself this time around, her arms wrap around Trixie’s waist and she tugs her closer, head tipping to the side just slightly, lips parting to meet the other pair once again. This time it’s slow, it’s deliberate, it’s _patient._ Trixie’s lips are the softest thing in the world, and they melt into her own with ease, as if they had **years** of practice together. Now that she’s tasted them, Katya wants _more,_ and her fingers dig into the soft fabric of the baby pink dress when the kiss deepens, with Trixie letting out a small, content sound once she lets Katya’s tongue past her lips, the feeling burning every inch of Katya’s being and settling deep in the pit of her stomach.

The kiss ends too soon, even though it goes on for a while, and Trixie’s pink lipstick is all smudged around her mouth and mixed with Katya’s red one. She’s the most gorgeous woman alive, Katya thinks as she holds her close.

 

“Oh wow.” Trixie breathes, eliciting a grin on Katya’s side.

“I know.”

She reaches to fix the damage around Katya’s lips, and Katya has the urge to bite the thumb when it brushes over her bottom lip.

“Now that _that’s_ finally happened—“ Trixie starts again, sending Katya into another wheezing fit, “I gotta tell you something.”

Oh _no._

“What?”

“I gotta leave.”

“Excuse me?!”

“I’m leaving. In a couple of hours... For two weeks only though.”

The shit-eating grin on Trixie’s face is not enough to calm Katya down from the sudden spike of _panic,_ and the shock must be reading on her face because Trixie starts laughing.

“You should see the look on your face! Ha!”

“You are a disgusting, vile, horrible, terrible—“

“—rotted human being, I know! But it was _so_ worth it.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home for a little while, Wisconsin. I’ll be back before the end of the August though. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, totally, you should go be with your family.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah.”

They look at each other for a little while longer, with Trix’s hand in Katya’s lap and both Katya’s hands holding hers.

 

“Can I kiss you again?”

Trixie grins at the question and leans in close, making sure her lips are brushing against Katya’s as she speaks.

“Mama, you really should never stop."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This chapter was totally inspired by that: "x times they didn't do it and the xth time they finally did". It was so fun, if not frustrating, to write.
> 
> Leave us some comments, please?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the emotional rollercoaster of today its ending is not bad at all, Trixie thinks as she sends Katya kissing emojis. She is unsure if she can keep her eyes open for too long, even when the thought of kissing Katya again makes her want to squeal in excitement. After her talk with Pearl that afternoon, a long conversation with Bob all the while and crying on and off, Trixie realizes that there is nothing that is stopping her from pursuing Katya now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello how are you? I know this chapter is long overdue, but trust and believe me when I say that I had a lot of trouble putting it together. Now it's finally done and there are a lot of things that are happening in it. 
> 
> We're close to the end of the road with this one, with 2 or 3 chapters left, so please let me know what you think of it?

_“I don’t understand, I thought you were fine with long distance.”_

_“It’s not just that, Pearl, it’s, I-“_

_“No, I get it. It’s not me, it’s you or some other bullshit you’re about to pull out.”_

_“Pearl-“_

_“No, I really don’t care. I just wish you told me before I fucking went around and changed half of my life because of you.”_

_“You said you wanted to stay in Boston to stay close to your friends.”_

_“Oh bullshit, Trixie, we both know why I stayed.”_

 

_They were standing on the opposite sides of the room, Pearl’s numerous suitcases between them a nice metaphor for the chasm that had opened half an hour earlier. Pearl, a generally laid back if not a little aloof woman was trembling now, her fingers holding a cigarette close to her mouth, the default disinterested façade bursting at the seams. Nothing else could be expected, after all, considering the fact Trixie just told her she couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore. Out of nowhere._

_Silence stretched into eternity as Pearl smoked and Trixie watched her, not able to find the right words to make the situation okay. She knew she loved the other blonde, had a wonderful time with her for eight months they have been together, but also knew it was unfair to keep it up; especially with unresolved feelings towards another, shorter, much more chaotic blonde woman. She knew it was a horrible timing to break up, without a chance to talk it out with the clock ticking closer to Pearl’s departure, but Trixie knew that if she hadn’t done it now, she wouldn’t have found the strength to do it any time soon._

_“I should go. Last thing I fucking need is to miss my flight.”_

_“I can still go with you.”_

_“No, don’t bother. I already got an Uber.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_Pearl didn’t reply, and didn’t let Trixie help with her suitcases. She slammed the door behind her once her ride arrived, the door to her own rented apartment that Trixie was supposed to move into while Pearl was on tour. When the surroundings fell silent, only sound the ticking of a clock somewhere in the living room, Trixie dropped on the couch and covered her eyes, finally letting a sob escape her chest, and then another one, and another, and soon enough she was a crying mess on a bunch of pillows that still smelled like her now ex-girlfriend._

_The following morning she texted Kim to tell her she’d be squatting at her place for a little while longer, and Kim took her out for cupcakes and coffee before work to make her feel better. Dread hung low in her chest, and Trixie kept checking her phone between clients to see if Pearl texted her, even though she knew she wouldn’t. Pearl had never been the one to cause drama or a scene of any kind, good or bad – being in a public eye taught her how to be private, about her life and her feelings alike, which was one of the main reasons Trixie liked her in the first place._

_._

_._

_._

 

Trixie avoided instagram like the plague for the next couple of days, knowing Pearl would be posting stories from her East Coast gigs, with hordes of beautiful women that seemed to follow her wherever she went. It’s not necessarily the jealousy that made Trixie avoid social media, it was more the guilt of how badly she handled the breakup itself. The only afternoon she spent on instagram was to go through Katya’s behind-the-scenes photos she’d tagged her in, and felt a little pang in her chest at a photo of Pearl looking off camera and at her, as she recalled.

By the time the end of the week rolled by, Trixie was sure that breaking up with Pearl was the right thing to do. Yet, the feelings in the following week were the most confusing mix of emotions she’d ever experienced in a long time. Her time was spent between crying and self-pity whenever she’d see something that reminded her of Pearl on one hand, yet her stomach would flip every time she saw Katya post on social media on the other. Katya had announced that she’s quitting teaching yoga for photography in an instagram post in true Katya fashion: all flashy and including bad photoshop Trixie knew was purposeful, and she felt her heart swell with pride, even though she couldn’t find it in her to congratulate Katya just yet, or talk to her for that matter.

When Katya messaged her first a day after, Trixie almost didn’t invite her for coffee and even berated herself for having done so when they almost kissed in _Honey_. Despite everything, Trixie did not know if whatever she felt for Katya was simply a result of _months_ of fantasizing about her years previously, or actual, real feelings that had potential, if Katya even liked her back in the first place. The latter was still undecided, since reading Katya was like deciphering the binary code to a person who has never seen a computer in their life. It took all of her willpower to invite Katya out after that, and she played it safe, knowing that a fair was a place where they could have fun even if their date bombed. It would also be easy to play it off as a friendly outing if either of them realized that giving a chance to whatever feelings they had was a mistake.

When she kissed Katya in her car after the evening at the fair, and Katya kissed her back, all Trixie’s doubts about her own ever-growing feelings dissipated faster than artificial fog in cheap theater productions, especially when she could feel her heart _and_ mind explode when Katya touched her _anywhere_ and kissed her like _that._ She all but ran to Kim’s apartment after half an hour of making out in Katya’s car, and retold the events of the entire evening at the fair to an almost excruciating detail, so much that Kim had to egg her on when she got stuck on explaining the way Katya laughed when kids ganged up on her while they were driving bumper cars, how she held her tightly on top of the Ferris wheel, and how kissing her felt like no other thing in the entire world.

She did spare Kim the details of how Katya pressed her into the side of her car and kissed her neck until her knees felt _liquid,_ the way her hands roamed over Trixie’s waist and squeezed her ass, or how breathy Katya’s whisper was against her ear when she said she was going to miss her; and how wet it made Trixie just thinking about it. Had it been any other person, Trixie would have told Kim about _all_ of it, but the fear of this being a one-time thing still loomed over her as she got ready for Wisconsin and she did not want to jinx it, irrational as it might have sounded.

.

.

.

 

Being back in Wisconsin made Trixie feel suffocated more than all of the happenings in her personal life combined, and she was grateful Bob is in town too, even if it’s just for the weekend. She spent the first five to six days helping her mother sort out her late aunt’s clothes and possessions, one half going to family, the other to charity, just the way her aunt had wanted. She had no children or heirs in her name, so she had left all of her jewelry to Trixie - and that woman sure had a lot of it. It made Trixie cry, more than once, as she went through all the necklaces and bracelets she had let Trixie wear when she was a kid, back when she used to babysit her during long summer days when her mom and stepfather were away.

What made Trixie cry even more is the photo album she found in her aunt’s drawer, dedicated completely to Trixie and her siblings, since they spent most of their childhood in their aunt’s home, which was considerably bigger than their own and smelled of incense and lavender. Bob was in most of the pictures too, and Trixie decided to take one or two to give to him once they go out.

Talking to Katya, even if it’s just over text, helped the anxiety over being around family again. She made Trixie laugh with random photos of people from the street, crude stickers on street lamps or graffiti. They even talked on the phone once, the same night when Trixie found the photo album and was unable to stop crying until her throat hurt and eyes prickled. Katya asked her if she’s okay several times, and when Trixie assured her that she would be, they talked until three in the morning about life, death, universe and for some reason – clowns. Trixie found out then that Katya had an affinity for ghosts too, and made her promise she’d never summon one with Trixie in her presence. They never mentioned Pearl, not since that first day at the café, and it was mostly because Trixie still felt guilty over how they broke up _and_ the fact that she’d been texting Pearl several days prior.

It’s not that Trixie planned to meet up with Pearl from the get-go, but she had seen that one of her gigs was in Chicago the weekend Bob was supposed to come. She had replied to one of Pearl’s stories on a whim, never expecting a response and had ended up surprised when it arrived. Pearl hadn't been talkative, though she rarely ever was, but had agreed to meet up with Trixie for lunch on the day of the gig, to Trixie’s great relief. Bob volunteered to drive her to Chicago as both moral support and _in need for some good quality lesbian drama,_ as he put it, even though Trixie didn’t share any of the details with him until the day of the trip.

Aside from the looming sense of doom, Trixie was looking forward to going on a small road trip with one of her best friends, especially since they live on the opposite sides of the country nowadays. She knew that the nervous knot in her stomach in the following days was made worse because she hid this piece of information from Katya, but none of the times they texted each other seemed right to put the information out there. Aside from occasional flirting, they didn’t talk much about _what_ exactly it is that they were doing, and Trixie willed herself not to think about it too much until they see each other again. With that in mind, she decided that telling Katya about meeting Pearl can wait too.

 

 

Come Saturday morning, Bob picks her up bright and early and they barely speak until they’ve had coffee Trixie’s mom’s packed for the both of them. For some miraculous reason, her mother loves Bob despite him being an openly gay man, but she never asks him anything aside from how his parents are doing and what the weather is like in Los Angeles. As they pack up and stand in front of the car, Mrs. Mattel gives them both a hug and tells them to have fun in Chicago. Trixie has no intentions of telling her mother that she’s going to see her ex-girlfriend, justifying her trip as the only time she can celebrate her upcoming birthday with her best friend. Talking about anything remotely gay in the Mattel household has been out of the question ever since Trixie came out in her teenage years, and despite the hurt, she'd eventually gotten used to it.

 

“So, are we going to wait for Pearl outside of the club and scare the shit out of her or what?”

Trixie rolls her eyes at him, which he fails to see, having his eyes on the highway once they leave the tiny set of houses surrounding Trixie’s home.

“No, bitch, she knows I’m coming.”

“What, really?”

“Yeah, I texted her some time after I landed last week, asked if we could talk. Told her I still had the keys to her apartment.”

“Tell me the truth, Mattel, did you steal that poor girl’s keys just so you can make her talk to you later?”

“Shut up, she left them after she ran out that night, and me in that apartment too.”

“Well, can you blame her? You practically _dumped_ her an hour before her big tour without so much an explanation---“

“I was there Bob, thanks.”

This makes him laugh and he reaches out to squeeze her shoulder.

“You know I’m just messing with you. What are you gonna tell her, anyway?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Anything but ‘I don’t think this is going to work’.”

“Right, because that went _so well_ for you last time.”

“Exactly. I just want to make sure to have the closure, you know?”

“… so you can be with Katya.”

 

Trixie’s mouth forms a small ‘o’ as she turns to him, glaring incredulously.

 

“I’m going to _kill_ Kimberly.”

“Kim provides me with info you never tell me, bitch! When were you going to tell me you’re banging the hot Russian photographer? Finally, might I add?”

“Listen, we went out on a semi-date and kissed, it’s not like we fu—“

“So she’s the real reason for the breakup, right?”

“Oh Jesus.”

“Trixie, I know you better than your own mother knows you. How do I know? She made this disgusting ass coffee and didn’t even put caramel in it.”

Trixie laughs at that, her cheeks still burning since the Katya talk started. Her stomach is full of butterflies every time Katya is brought up, and her chest burns when she remembers how Katya took a photo of a sunrise and captioned it with _It’s so quiet, you’d love it_ in their text thread that very morning.

“So?”

“Hm?”

“Spill it, Mattel! I want all the dirty details!”

 

So Trixie tells him; starting with Adore and Bianca’s party and finishes with the late night phone conversation while the two of them pass Milwaukee and head south for Chicago. Bob stops her here and there for details, and Trixie feels like they are fifteen again, talking about their first crushes and trying to gauge for all the signs if their crushes like them back. When Trixie comes to the kiss, she doesn’t spare Bob the way she did Kim, and he lets out a long whistle, followed by a booming laugh.

“You’re so fucking whipped, I’m _living_ for this!”

She doesn’t even try to argue with him, because he pushes onward, and before they know it they’ve reached Chicago, together with new levels of anxiety that Trixie starts feeling as soon as she becomes aware that it will be the first time seeing and talking to Pearl after several weeks.  A part of her is dreading a potential fight that might come out of it, but a bigger part of her is just ready to put all of it behind and move on.

.

.

.

 

Pearl waits for her in one of the restaurants just down the street from her hotel, a location she’s sent to Trixie who messaged her after she spent several hours walking around Chicago with Bob and taking pictures she would show Katya later.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

They go in for a hug, but it’s short, and it’s awkward, and Trixie soon finds that Pearl doesn’t really look at her as she settles into her own seat on the other side of the table. When she does, though, Trixie can see that Pearl is not as angry anymore, just… indifferent. Trixie is used to indifferent, but never towards her. It’s somewhat of a relief, even though she knows Pearl is an expert of keeping the feelings of any kind inside unless she wants them to surface.

“How have you been?” Trixie chances after she’s ordered a salad and Pearl has ordered soup, even though neither of them feel hungry.

“Good. Busy. You?”

Short and to the point. It makes Trixie sigh, but she nods either way.

“I’ve been okay. Traveled home to get aunt’s stuff in order. Fully didn’t expect to see the entire family.”

There’s a shadow of a smile that fades quickly when Pearl doesn’t return it. Instead, she trails her fingers over the cup of coffee that’s been drank before Trixie arrived. She opens her mouth several times but doesn’t know how to start, and Pearl sees it, seemingly decides to let her struggle for a bit, before she speaks up.

“Why are you here, Trixie?”

“I came to talk to you. And give you your keys back.”

“And that couldn’t wait until I’m back in Boston?”

Technically, it could. Trixie purses her pink lips and moves the phantom strand of hair from her shoulder. Her blonde hair has been pulled up in a high ponytail, matching Pearl’s almost perfectly.

“I didn’t know when you were coming back and if you were coming back at all so…”

“And you couldn’t have given the keys to Adore?”

Trixie can’t pinpoint if the annoyance is fake or if she’s just poking fun at her, a slight cutting tone not entirely matching the way the corners of Pearl’s mouth twitch. Despite herself, Trixie laughs dryly.

“I’m not Adore’s favorite person right now, honestly, and I don’t blame her.”

“Why not?” Pearl’s head tilts to the side as she leans her crossed arms on her own side of the table.

“Because I broke up with you the way I did. And I totally get it, I deserve the cold shoulder I’ve been getting from our friends.”

“Trixie, listen-“

“Pearl, I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am for doing it the way I did. It was sudden, and it was after the most fun day any of us had in a while, and you didn’t deserve that bomb dropped on you before your big ass sold out tour. You fully couldn’t see it coming and there I was, fucking everything up.”

“Oh I saw it coming.”

“What?”

Trixie’s eyes bug out just a little bit, and the word comes out sharper than she intended, but it prompts a small smile on Pearl’s side. She’s forgotten how crinkles form around Pearl’s pale eyes when she smiles like that, but Trixie has been too preoccupied to think about Katya’s laugh lines in the past two weeks to get a chance to miss them.

“Trixie, I might be slow sometimes, and I fucking suck at math, but I’m not stupid. I know it hasn’t been the same for a while now.”

The unnecessarily aggressive heat climbs up Trixie’s neck and tints her cheeks pink. Pearl doesn’t give her a chance to stumble over her words, but continues.

“I’ve seen you slowly pulling away for at least a month before that night, but there were so many things going on that I thought it was just you being stressed out over your job and your aunt. I didn’t think it had anything to do with me. So, when you broke it off that night, I thought about everything, some things fell in place and I couldn’t really hate you. Shit happens.”

 

If there was ever a moment where Trixie Mattel wished for a cigarette, this is it. The way Pearl talks about this in a nonchalant way after only two weeks opens the avalanche of emotions towards Pearl and their entire situation, and Trixie has a hard time keeping the sudden surge of tears. It’s not necessarily that she expected Pearl to tell her to go fuck herself, but a part of her can’t help but wonder if Pearl cared enough for her since she sure as hell doesn’t look upset right now. Trixie pushes that intrusive thought down, since _hurting_ Pearl is the root of all her guilt, and seeing her not hurt as much weeks later should be a relief. Pearl lets her compose herself, watching her over the cup of coffee, until Trixie speaks again.

“I still think I didn’t do any of this right. Handling my feelings, handling work shit and I fully didn’t treat _you_ right.” Her voice is a bit lower now, feeling her throat close and eyes cast down to her own hands. “I should have done it sooner, but you were having so much fun with the photoshoot and the girls and I… I just have a fucking terrible timing, okay?”

They both laugh at that, and Trixie’s chortle is somewhat teary and ends in a hiccup, but she looks back at Pearl and wipes a stray tear with a finger not to smudge her makeup.

“Look Trix, you did what you had to do. I don’t think I treated you the way you wanted to be treated, either. I wasn’t there for you, emotionally. We both held onto it for a lot longer than we should have. Going away gave me a bit of perspective on the whole situation, and I appreciate you for being honest. My pride might never forgive you for _dumping_ me but… you know.”

She laughs that slow, dragged out Pearl laugh and Trixie thinks this is probably the most open she’s ever seen Pearl since they met. It makes Trixie realize the truth behind those words. Settling down in one place, with a huge house and a dog is something Trixie knows is the endgame for her, was never really an option for Pearl.

 

“You’re fucking amazing and any girl would be lucky to have you, Pearl. You deserve a great life.”

“I think you’re amazing too. You’ll find someone that will be more present for you, something I could never fully do.”

Trixie nods and they look at each other in silence for a little while longer, then Pearl speaks again.

“But thank you for coming down to see me. It’s more than any other girl’s ever done for me.”

The words cause Trixie’s bottom lip to tremble slightly again, but she smiles nevertheless.

“It’s the least I could do after letting you leave in an Uber with three of your suitcases.”

“Yeah, that was the worst thing any girl has ever done to me.”

The laughter is a bit lighter this time around and Pearl reaches out to squeeze her hand. Throughout the months they have been together, Pearl always had a calming effect on Trixie, who was a little dramatic about things and cried easily about anything, happy or sad. Realizing just how _much_ she will miss Pearl as an everyday presence in her life is almost overwhelming, and a little bittersweet.

“Are you going to be back in Boston anytime soon?”

“Maybe, but not soon. We got several cities in Europe, Asia and Australia added to the tour so when that’s over, yeah. I still have some of my stuff there.”

“I’m proud of you.” Trixie then says, and Pearl smiles at her again, the initial coldness almost completely gone.

“Thanks. If you ever decide to come to one of the gigs, let me know.”

“Oh I fully intend to.”

 

The rest of the lunch goes by quickly, and they part with a hug much tighter this time around. Trixie feels the urge to cry again when she sits in Bob’s car, but this time it’s more in relief than anything else. The entire afternoon went much better than Trixie thought it would, and the knot in her chest that has been haunting her for weeks finally eased, letting her breathe again.

They don’t stay for Pearl’s gig, thinking it’s better to leave everything as it is for now. Bob drives Trixie back to Milwaukee instead and they have couple of drinks there before driving out into the country and towards their little hometown. When Trixie gets into bed at two-something in the morning, she sees Pearl liked some of the photos of home she’s posted. Katya texted her throughout the day too, the same way she always did, with a string of unrelated, random thoughts she had in her breaks from work, most of them to make Trixie laugh.

 

_**To Katya:** Sry, been out with Bob all day :) :D_

_**To Katya:** I’ll show you pictures of us when we were babies when I come back :’)_

 

_**Katya Zamo:** I bet you looked cute like a baby_

_**Katya Zamo:** Unlike now_

_**Katya Zamo:** ;)_

_**Katya Zamo:** I hope you had fun_

 

Trixie keeps her phone on her chest until it buzzes, and then laughs at the message.

 

_**To Katya:** I hate you_

_**To Katya:** Yeah it was fun :D I miss Bob most of the year, I know you can relate_

_**To Katya:** With Violet_

_**To Katya:** Hey_

_**To Katya:** Remember when I told you to raincheck on that drink after that day when I came back?_

_**To Katya:** You probably don’t remember, I’m dumb_

 

_**Katya Zamo:** Of course I remember_

_**Katya Zamo:** What about it?_

 

Trixie’s heart thuds in her chest as she smiles in the darkness.

 

_**To Katya:** How about I take you up on that raincheck when I come back in 3-4 days?_

_**To Katya:** If you’re up for it? :) :) :)_

The reply doesn’t come right away, and Trixie feels her stomach about to explode with the nerves when Katya’s dots seem to appear and reappear couple of times.

 

_**Katya Zamo:** Of course, Tracy!_

_**Katya Zamo:** You still owe me a drink after you didn’t want to watch the fireworks with me_

_**Katya Zamo:** ;)_

 

_**To Katya:** Bitch, we both know why we didn’t watch the fireworks_

_**To Katya:** All your fault with the fucking F wheel_

_**To Katya** : But I didn’t hear you complain when you drove me home :) :p_

 

Trixie is sure she will never get used to flirting with Katya or feel less nervous about it, even though they have been doing it consistently over the course of the week.

 

_**Katya Zamo:** If you kiss me like you did that night I’ll never complain again_

_**Katya Zamo:** In fact, I can’t wait to do it again_

_**To Katya** : Me too_

After the emotional rollercoaster of today its ending is not bad at all, Trixie thinks as she sends Katya kissing emojis. She is unsure if she can keep her eyes open for too long, even when the thought of kissing Katya again makes her want to squeal in excitement. After her talk with Pearl that afternoon, a long conversation with Bob all the while and crying on and off, Trixie realizes that there is _nothing_ that is stopping her from pursuing Katya now. Half-asleep, she barely has time or energy to worry about how Katya was going to react when she tells her about seeing Pearl.  Until then, she has three full days of hanging out with family, and wishes her aunt was there so she can tell her all about Katya and Pearl. She knows she would have loved the drama.

 

.

.

.

 

Trixie looks down at her freshly manicured hands and notices that they are shaking slightly. Excited much? She glances at herself in the Uber driver’s rear view mirror, making sure that every single piece of her makeup and hair strand are in their place because they _have_ to be. It’s barely been twenty four hours since she landed in Boston, but she and Katya made plans for these drinks days before, and Trixie is sure she hasn’t been able to sleep properly since.

After enduring an hour of Kim fixing her hair and makeup before leaving the apartment, Trixie knows she is barely minutes away from meeting Katya in front of the bar they were supposed to go all those weeks ago, when Trixie just came back from Europe. Despite telling Kim that she is not worried about seeing Katya again, sharing space with her and seeing those unbelievably blue eyes up close, Kim doesn’t believe her, nor does Trixie believe herself. All the chill Trixie prided herself in having when going out with women she crushed on was gone, and it is the first time she knows she will throw up the moment she steps out of her Uber.

She doesn’t.

What she does is inhale sharply when she sees Katya standing on the other side of the street in front of the bar, cigarette between her lips and eyes on the other side of the road, dressed in a see-through black shirt, unbuttoned enough to see her lacy bralette and a black, leather skirt to match. Wavy blonde hair is already falling past her shoulders and move smoothly every time Katya moves her head, and Trixie feels like she’s falling in a trance just watching her smoke.

When Katya spots Trixie she stubs her cigarette out hastily, and Trixie can’t help but blush when she sees how Katya looks her up and down, shamelessly checking out her tight thigh high blue dress with loose sleeves and a high collar. Blue eyes travel then to Trixie’s half updo, wavy blonde hair pulled back, and it looks like Katya is speechless for a second before Trixie hugs her.

“You’re… not pink.”

“Thanks?”

Trixie’s eyes shot up and she already sees Katya’s cheeks tinged with color, even when she laughs that absurd wheezing laugh of hers.

“Shut up, you know what I mean. You look stunning.”

“So do you.”

 

All Trixie want is to take another step forward and kiss her, but she’s unsure of it. Katya seems unsure too, but she does take her hand and follows her inside the bar. The place is dim-lit and the music is loud enough for Trixie to feel it in her chest but quiet enough to hear Katya when she leans over and asks her what she wants to drink.

They settle in a corner far away from the bar that is still semi-deserted, and fall into their usual rhythm of banter just seconds later. Trixie is relieved that even two weeks away after their kiss did not change a single thing in their dynamic, and is eternally grateful when Katya’s eyes tear up with laughter when Trixie tells her all about her family gathering shenanigans and uncle Peter who got so drunk he fell off the porch and into a pile of horse shit. Literally.

“Where the fuck do you live that you have horse shit right outside of your house?”

“Honey, it’s the middle of fucking nowhere, Courage-the-Cowardly-Dog deserted. Of _course_ we have horse shit wherever you go.”

The only change Trixie does notice is how Katya’s knees are bumping into her own and how she _touches_ her, more than she ever remembers her doing, her long fingers gripping Trixie’s wrist and knee more often than Trixie can keep track of. By the time she has her third glass of gin and tonic, Trixie gets visibly flushed every time Katya’s hand comes _remotely_ close to her thigh, and lets almost _audible_ whimpers when she feels Katya’s lips against her ear upon repeating something Trixie doesn’t hear the first time around. Katya seems to notice the effect she has on Trixie too, and seems to double the frequency, all with the shit-eating grin on her face and eyes that spend time traveling between Trixie’s dark ones and her pink lips.

 

“So are you ever going to tell me why you’re not pursuing a music career?”

It’s past ten thirty, the bar’s gotten crowded and Trixie feels tipsier than she wanted to be, but the nerves of having Katya so close took the best of her. All she can think about is wanting to kiss her _so badly,_ take her out back and eat her out until she cries out her name brokenly…

“Earth to Trixie?”

“Hm?”

Katya leans forward, putting a _scathingly hot_ palm on Trixie’s lower back, making her shiver, and repeats the question.

“Oh, I don’t really think I have the time and energy for that. Plus, I’d eventually have to move to L.A., and I _hate_ it.”

“Why do you hate it?”

“It’s really hot, and everyone’s trying to do the same thing you do, and only a handful of people succeed. I don’t think I’m ready to face _that_ kind of a failure.”

“I don’t think you’d fail.”

Trixie blinks and notices that Katya’s come close but did not move away like she did every other time. She can smell the faint scent of her cologne, mixed with cigarette smoke and Georgia peach soda and feels her heart skip several beats, causing her to giggle nervously. She sees Katya’s eyebrows shoot up at the reaction, but grins that brilliant grin of hers in return.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just like you.”

Katya’s face lights up like the thousand suns at that reply and Trixie’s heart does several other somersaults, going hand-in-hand with the butterflies that are doing the Macarena in her stomach.

“You do?”

“Mhmm.”

In the next moment she feels that same faint cigarette and soda scent on her own lips before Katya kisses her and she kisses back. The hand on her lower back grips the fabric of her dress a little bit and Trixie’s hand reaches up to run her fingers through Katya’s waves. Despite the kiss being slow, and brief, they are both out of breath by the time they pull back.

“I like you too.”

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

They both descend into loud laughter after that, but Katya’s hand remains on Trixie’s lower back for the rest of the evening, and she leaves several kisses on her jaw when she leans over to speak into her ear, turning Trixie’s legs to jello every single time.

 

 

“You’re… _walking_ home?”

They are in front of the bar an hour later, at Trixie’s request they go get some fresh air since she feels lightheaded from the mix of Katya’s kisses, the crowd inside and five glasses of gin tonic she’s had in the span of several hours.

“Yeah, I live just down the road. That building over there.”  Katya points with her index and middle finger that are holding the cigarette. The air of the late summer evening is cool, but warm enough that neither of them need a jacket to stand outside.

“You’re not afraid someone’s… you know, gonna rob you or something?”

“You’re such a country girl.” Katya replies with laughter in her voice, mixed with affection that reignites the heat in both Trixie’s stomach and in the back of her neck.

“Yeah excuse me if daily news of shootings aren’t a reason to fear walking home alone in the middle of the night? Well, that, and I watched Friday the 13 last night.”

“Fair enough.” Katya nods and chuckles, looking out on the street as if she’s considering something, before turning to Trixie.

“You were taking an Uber, right?”

“Yeah, I wanted to. Why?”

“Well, maybe you can walk with me to my building and I can take you?”

“Oh now she scared!”

“Or maybe I just want to spend more time with you.”

 

The sincerity in Katya’s voice makes Trixie pull away from the wall she was leaned on and takes Katya’s hand, pulling her closer. The fact that Katya wears flat boots and Trixie heels puts her to a height advantage, and Katya has to stand on her tiptoes when she wraps arms around Trixie’s waist.

“Maybe?” Trixie teases, arms around Katya’s shoulders and noses touching.

“Definitely.” With that, Katya closes space between them once again, their kisses languid and lazy at first, until Katya loses patience and walks Trixie back into the wall, hands gripping tightly at her waist and pinning her back into the brick. Trixie lets out a soft sound into Katya’s mouth once their kiss deepens, and hips roll against Katya’s pelvis unconsciously, causing the other to growl appreciatively.

“Katya-“ The sound is closer to a whimper now and Trixie is absolutely _dripping_ _wet_ even from the smallest contact.

The sound of her name makes Katya open her eyes and look at Trixie, pulling back slightly.

“Everything okay?”

“Oh god yes, just…” _Not here._

It seems like Katya understands what Trixie wants to say and nods, stepping back but holding Trixie’s waist just the same.

“Let’s walk?”

“Yeah.”

 

The walk to Katya’s apartment is five minutes long, if even that, but all Trixie can think of is how slick her own thighs are and hopes Katya doesn’t see just how _aroused_ she feels even after that one kiss. It’s pathetic, really, Trixie thinks, more pathetic than any other time she hooked up with a girl. On one hand, she wants to take it slow with Katya, even though it took fucking ages to get to _this_ point. On the other, she just wants Katya to pull her in an alley to fuck her senseless and let her eat her out, in that particular order. She is leaning towards latter but the look on Katya’s face is unintelligible, even though she laughs and points out little things on the street she’s noticed after a couple of months of living in this area, her face at ease as if she doesn't have a single care in the world.

By the time they reach Katya’s building, Trixie is ready to explode, trying to put all the blame to the alcohol for making her this irrationally wound up, but when Katya’s fingers gently brush down her jaw that she kisses moments before she kisses her lips, Trixie knows it’s all Katya.

“I had a lot of fun tonight.” She rasps out, not wanting to invite herself upstairs in case Katya needed a break, even though her own puppy eyes probably say more than she can.

“Me too.”

There are a several beats of silence and Trixie cannot bring herself to say goodbye. Katya’s thumb is stroking up and down her side, and even the feeling of fabric against her sensitive skin makes Trixie want to scream.

“Trix, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“I know you broke up with Pearl less than a month ago and you maybe wanted to take things slow but…”

Trixie’s stomach turns at the mention of Pearl and the fact she _still_ didn’t tell Katya about seeing her last week, but Katya is still speaking and she forces herself back to present.

“… but I really want to invite you upstairs.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“I mean, yes, I want to come upstairs with you.”

 

Their next kiss knocks the air out of Trixie’s lungs and they keep kissing, on and off all the way inside of the building, in the elevator, and on their way to Katya’s apartment. The walls inside the long, narrow hallway are somewhat falling apart, but Trixie notices none of it as her lips brush the back of Katya’s neck when the other fishes for her keys impatiently and struggles to unlock the door.

Once inside, Katya kicks off her boots and doesn’t wait for Trixie to do the same before she pins her to the wall again, slamming the front door closed with her foot.  Her lips find Trixie’s lips, jawline, the pulse point on her neck that she bites impatiently. Trixie can barely find air to breathe and her eyes roll in the back of her head, which she tilts to the side to give Katya space, all the space she wants and needs since Trixie can’t think about anything but Katya’s roaming hands. Those fingers trace the curves of Trixie’s hips and hike under the hem of her dress and pull it up, until is bunched up on her waist.

“Is this okay?” Katya whispers against the red, splotchy skin of Trixie’s neck, fingers gripping Trixie’s thick thighs that are almost _shaking_ with anticipation. She wants nothing, _nothing_ more than she wants Katya. Right now. As soon as possible.

“Fuck yes.”

Her fingers grip the hair on the nape of Katya’s neck, egging her on, hips rolling impatiently, giving her permission to do whatever the hell she wants. Katya obliges quickly, and Trixie can feel how her long fingers trail towards her inner thigh while the other hand steadies them both, propped against the wall.

“Shit, Trix, you’re so---“

She doesn’t have to finish the sentence for Trixie to know that Katya is aware just how ready she is. Maybe she _does_ finish it, but Trixie can’t focus on anything but their heavy breaths, the way Katya leaves sloppy but hot kisses under her jawline and how her fingers hesitate for but a moment before they press into the fabric of her panties, now completely ruined by Trixie’s arousal.

“Please, Katya-“ She pleads, dragging her free hand down Katya’s spine, and then up, gripping here and there, until Katya pulls the thin fabric down Trixie’s thigh and lets the lace hit the floor when Trixie shimmies out of it. She feels cold for just a second, but then Katya’s fingers find her clit and start stroking slowly, deliberately, getting to know and learning Trixie’s response to everything she does.

“This okay?” Katya hums when their lips meet again and Trixie can’t speak, overwhelmed by both feeling Katya’s gentle touch and her heart thudding in response of having her this close to her.

She simply moans in response and it’s encouragement enough for Katya to slip her fingers inside her, first one, then two, then after several thrusts the third one, finding a steady rhythm that has them both tangled into a grinding, moaning mess. She can feel Katya’s free hand grab under her thigh and Trixie hooks her leg around the back of Katya’s, giving her more access, her moans becoming louder and more frequent with every thrust.

The way Katya gets her off is not slow, it’s not gentle or pretty, but her fingers do wonders as if this is the thousandth time they have done it, pounding her into the wall and whispering words Trixie cannot understand into her ear. It doesn’t take long for Trixie’s moans to become uneven and broken, sounding louder in the silence of Katya’s small apartment, and her thighs shake more violently every time fingers pump in and out of her. When Katya brushes her thumb over Trixie’s clit and starts moving it in circular motions, Trixie cries out her name, the heat pooling in her stomach for the entire evening exploding deep in her core and tipping her over the edge. For a moment, the entire world freezes and all she can hear is her own voice mixed with Katya’s heavy breaths and the loud beating of her own heart that skips twice when she comes.

Her arms finally wrap around Katya’s shoulders and she kisses her again. Her hips twitch into Katya's until they come to a complete halt and she whimpers a little when Katya pulls out her fingers and licks them off casually. That shit-eating grin back on her face even though her hair is messier than usual and her bright red lipstick smudged across half of her cheek. Trixie thinks she’s, quite literally, the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

“Fuck, that was-“

“It was.” Katya responds, still fully pressed against Trixie even though she did pull back down Trixie’s dress, and they don’t move for several moments. Trixie is grateful, since she is aware that her knees might buckle if Katya lets her go. “You’re gorgeous.”

“Fuck off.” Trixie knows that she probably looks anything but, with her makeup smeared all over her face, mixed with sweat, and she doesn’t even try to think about how  disheveled her hair must look like. Her words make Katya laugh, then run her fingers through Trixie’s tangled hair when she kisses her puffy lips.

“You are.”

“You’re just lucky these lights are off.”

They laugh again, and Trixie feels like she’s coming to her senses. The walk to Katya’s apartment and the orgasm she just rode against Katya’s fingers completely sobered her up. The giddiness, however, just increased in intensity, especially now that she’s regained her breath and stepped away from the wall once Katya moved to the small kitchenette to get water for both of them.

There is no light in the rooms save the kitchen one, but Trixie navigates to the small washroom, nearly screeching at her own reflection in the mirror. The mascara and eyeliner are either smudged off completely or slightly melting down her face, her lips completely nude and swollen from Katya’s kisses. Other than that, though, she looks like she’s just  run a marathon and won it.

“Katya?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you have any makeup removers here?”

“I have some wipes by the towels!”

Trixie shakes her head and laughs, but decides it’s better than looking like Bozo the horror clown. She wipes the remaining makeup from her face and splashes herself with water, the reality of being in Katya’s personal space hitting her like a freight train and making her dizzy with happiness. She finds herself burying her face in her hands as she pees, holding back giddy laughter.

 

Trixie Mattel, in her late twenties, feeling like a highschool girl in love for the first time.

 

“In the bedroom!” Katya calls for her once she steps out of the toilet and takes off her boots, then pads in semi-darkness towards the only source of light, even though it’s still dim.

“Are you telling me that you’re actually a vampire and that’s why there’s no light in this ho--- Oh.”

Katya has her back turned to her, but even in the room that’s dimly lit by the bedside lamp, she can see the _toned muscles_ of her shoulderblades, cut off by the bralette that’s still on, and then continuing down the muscular back and to lace black underwear, ass and thighs looking like they were sculpted by the gods themselves.

“Oh wow.”

The sound of Trixie speaking from inside the bedroom makes Katya turn around. She has pulled her hair back in a messy ponytail, strands falling down her face and her lipstick still smudged. It takes all the will in the world not to pounce at her there and then.

“What is it?”

“You’re fucking ripped.”

The awe in Trixie’s voice and the fact that she can’t pull her eyes away from Katya’s visible abs send Katya into laughter that Trixie doesn’t really notice. All she wants is to run her tongue across that beautifully shaped, toned stomach.

“That’s hot yoga for you, mama.”

“Where can I fucking sign up?”

Trixie finally lifts her gaze to Katya, and they both grin at each other, all of the reluctance and insecurity from the beginning of the evening gone in a puff of smoke. She lets Katya take her by the hand and turn her around, lets her unzip her blue dress and slip it to the floor, lets her unbutton her bra and gape at her breasts as if they are the first pair she’s ever seen. Trixie, usually insecure every time a new girl sees her naked body, feels completely at ease when Katya’s fingers trail down her front, over the tiny stretch marks on her tits and stomach, and she’s laughing by the time Katya leads her to the bed and gets her to lie down, completely naked.

 

“You're like a renaissance painting, holy shit.”

 

The compliment is so odd and so… Katya, and Trixie could cry at how lovely she is. Katya crawls up her body to kiss her again, and Trixie uses the time to get the bralette off of her and tosses it aside, feeling her cheeks still burning at how Katya’s eyes and hands worship every single inch of Trixie’s body she can reach.

Trixie, in turn, lets her own fingers run up and down Katya’s front, fingers pinching Katya’s hardened nipples and grinning when she hears her gasp. She tries to think of all the things she could and _will_ do to Katya, but the other blonde beats her to it. Her lips are already replacing her hands, kissing the red marks of her neck she’s left in the hallway, trailing down her collarbone, chest, and taking one of Trixie’s nipples in her mouth, evoking another soft sound from Trixie, then another, and then she’s moving to her belly and settling her lithe body between Trixie’s bent legs.

“Happy birthday to me.” Trixie whispers, looking down at how patiently Katya’s lips kiss her lower stomach and the inside of her legs, taking her time this time around, making her more excited for returning the favor immediately after.

“It’s your birthday?”

She didn’t expect Katya to hear it, but now she’s smiling, head lifted from the fluffed pillows.

“Yeah. I turned older half an hour ago, when you fucked me into oblivion against the wall.”

Katya laughs, and Trixie shivers at the feeling of her breath between her thighs.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t really celebrate it. Now can you _please_ eat me out? It’s homophobic to make me suffer on my birthday.”

Katya grins at the feigned pout, running her thumb over Trixie’s inner thigh and kissing her pubic bone, causing Trixie’s hips to jerk upward.

“Yes ma’am.”

 

Happy fucking birthday to her, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr at [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com) and please leave your thoughts in the comments!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can she even begin to describe the happiness she feels to get to spend every single free moment with Trixie when it seemed just like a distant fantasy only a month ago? No words could even begin to come close to describe how beautiful Trixie is, or how funny. How her nose scrunches lightly when she yawns over her cup of coffee in the morning or how she chews thoughtfully and looks into the distance when she thinks Katya isn’t looking. Anything she could say to Violet pales in comparison to the warmth in her chest when Trixie kisses her collarbone and talks sleepily before drifting off and the way her small apartment rings with the sound of Trixie’s absurdly loud laughter. Katya is happy, and it’s a scary thing to even fathom talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so close to the end! This chapter is mostly just Trixie and Katya, and it's just pure fluff for the most part, so I hope you enjoy it! I had a lot of fun writing it.
> 
> This is technically the penultimate chapter, since chapter 13 will be the epilogue. :) Let's get into it!

Katya wakes up sometime around eight in the morning the next day, with sweat on her upper lip and on the back of her neck. The air is stuffy in her bedroom, and only when her eyes open does she remember that she’s forgotten to leave the window open before falling asleep.

Additional source of heat is the pile of blonde curls spread across her bare chest, with an arm and a leg hugging her close as Trixie Mattel sleeps peacefully snuggled up to her. Katya can barely feel her arm that got trapped under Trixie sometime through the night, and there is a certain soreness in her thighs that reminds her it’s been a while since she’s had sex… or done strenuous yoga for that matter. Still, she has a large smile on her face as her fingers trail through blonde hair splayed across her collarbone, feeling her heart speed up at the mere thought of the last night’s events.

Seeing Trixie naked, getting to kiss every single inch of her soft skin… it was better than any fantasy Katya’s imagination could have conjured up in many lonely nights when she thought about it. Trixie was both gentle and teasing, and heat pools in the bottom of Katya’s stomach as she remembers Trixie between her legs, eating her out like it’s the last thing she’s going to do. Her thighs squeeze when she recalls the sounds that Trixie made as they fucked, as she made Katya come, over and over again, until they fell asleep snuggled together, too tired to move a muscle or put any clothes on.

Katya is pulled back to the present when Trixie snorts in her sleep and it almost makes her laugh out loud, but she remains silent when she slowly untangles their limbs and slips off the bed, in desperate need of a shower, a cigarette and some food.

 

Trixie doesn’t wake up until two hours later, to Katya’s great delight, since she has plenty of time to run to a convenience store right across the street, buying some toast, eggs, maple syrup and a pancake mix which she prepares quietly in her narrow kitchen that she barely ever uses for herself in the morning.

It seems that it’s the smell of French toast, eggs and bacon that rouse Trixie from her slumber, and she’s standing in the doorway, in one of Katya’s shirts no less, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and a bright smile on her face. It makes Katya’s heart jump violently and then drops to her ass. The shirt strains a little over her chest, but reaches her thighs nevertheless. She looks sexy as all hell.

“Morning.”

“Good morning, birthday girl. How did you sleep?”

“Mmm really good, but I think I fully didn’t move all night. Everything hurts.”

There is a little pout on Trixie’s lips, that playful one that Katya has seen so many times in the last twenty-four hours, and it is hard to breathe for a moment before she flips the pancake.

“Maybe you can do some yoga with me later?”

“Hard pass. I’d rather do something else.”

Katya turns her head, and Trixie is there, leaning her hip against the counter, her eyes big, and brown, and staring at Katya’s mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Mmm.”

A second later she hops on the counter to sit there and gets a toast and nibbles on it, watching Katya who puts the last pancake on the plate, turns off the stove and comes in front of her. Trixie’s knees part instinctively and Katya settles between her thighs.

“This is really good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I usually don’t eat white bread that much but I was _starving._ ”

“I also made you pancakes and bought a little candle so you can blow on it. Even though you don’t celebrate your birthday-”

“Oh I celebrate it.”

Katya, who had her hands resting on Trixie’s bare thighs and was brushing her fingers up and down lazily looked at her with her eyebrows raised.

“But you told me last night you-“

“I did that only so you would finish what you started.”

“Oh my god.”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

Trixie’s wide grin makes Katya cackle, all with head thrown back in delight.

“You’re such a fucking brat.”

“It’s what you signed up for, mama.”

They laugh and Trixie drops the toast back on the plate when Katya leans in to leave kisses under her jaw and down her neck, her eyes closing instinctively and arms wrapping around Katya’s shoulders. She leans up seconds later to capture Trixie’s lips with her own, and before long Trixie has her nails dragging down Katya’s back and Katya desperately digs her fingers into the soft flesh of Trixie’s thighs.

“God you’re so sexy.” Katya’s words are barely a breath she speaks into Trixie’s open mouth, and are greeted with a soft moan before the kiss becomes needier, causing both of them to grind their hips towards the other.

“Trix-“ Katya starts again, but Trixie’s fingers are already trailing down Katya’s abdomen and past the hem of her boxers, finding her wet already. Feeling Trixie’s cold fingers pressing against her clit makes Katya gasp into the kiss, and she adjusts her hips so Trixie can have more access.

 It doesn’t take her long before she drops from the counter and on her knees, to Katya’s surprise, in the middle of the tiny kitchen. With Katya’s boxers discarded on a nearby chair and Trixie’s mouth between Katya’s legs, Katya is reduced to a shaky, moaning mess minutes later, barely holding herself upright by leaning back and gripping the countertop with one hand and Trixie’s hair with the other. She comes without much effort and Trixie’s fingers knuckles deep in her pussy, and Trixie playfully kisses her before going for a shower; leaving the Russian disheveled and barely able to put her underwear on and set up the table for breakfast.

 

 

“So you know Mrs. Davis, right? Kasha Davis?”

They are sitting on the couch, Trixie’s feet in Katya’s lap and a plate of pancakes in her own. Katya made her blow a single candle she found in one of the drawers and make a wish she then refused to share with Katya. _It won’t come true if I do!_ She said and interrupted Katya’s laugh with a lingering kiss and a hug in a silent thank you. They moved to the couch immediately after and put a movie they weren’t paying attention to, too distracted by kissing and Trixie force-feeding pancakes to Katya, who refused to eat pieces that had maple syrup on it.

“The older, rich lady that comes to _Honey?_ Yeah I know her.”

“Her daughter Jean is having a Sweet Sixteen party in two weeks.”

“Oh god don’t tell me she’s gonna be on MTV or something.”

“How old _are_ you?” Trixie laughs loudly and Katya swats at her ankle playfully. “No, grandma, she won’t be on a show that ended ten years ago, but-“

“It didn’t end! It’s still going!”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah! I’m pretty sure I watched it last week.”

They bicker for a little while longer, until Trixie pulls out her phone from underneath her and stares at the Wikipedia article with her mouth open, and Katya laughing loudly at her.

“I’m right, huh? It’s still airing.”

“Who the hell funds this still?”

“Mrs. Kasha Davis?”

“Right!” Trixie tosses her phone Katya’s way, who catches it and laughs again, doubling down on intensity when Trixie glares at her and then Katya raises her arms up in surrender.

“I’m sorry! Go ahead, what about her daughter?”

Trixie blinks at her pointedly a several times more but then her expression softens when she speaks again.

“Latrice called me while I was still in Wisconsin. Apparently, Mrs. Kasha Davis wants _me_ to do her daughter’s hair. And her daughter’s best friends’ hair. And probably makeup too. There will be like… seven or eight girls there.”

“Trix, that’s great! They’re loaded, they will probably pay well.”

“Right? There’s a problem, though. Maybe one you can help me with?”

Katya tilts her head and can’t help but grin back when Trixie bats her eyelashes again, feeling her heart thump at the sight.

“What do you need?”

“They need a photographer. Apparently there’s a company who organizes these things and they usually send a photographer _and_ a makeup artist in a bundle. _And_ it’s hard for them to find a photographer on their own on such a short notice. So…”

“So if you don’t find a photographer, they will go with the company.”

“Right. I know you’re busy and you’re getting like a thousand jobs offer an hour but…”

“Trix, being booked one week in advance is _barely_ a thousand offers.”

“I know! But you’re so good and all these modeling agencies are fighting for you, and I know teens are not your thing but…”

“I’ll do it.”

Trixie’s eyes widen, and her smile too. Money aside, this sight alone makes Katya think that hanging around teenagers the entire day makes it totally worth it.

“Really?”

“Yeah! I mean, they _are_ loaded and I can probably get a rate as high as I get for weddings so…”

She doesn’t finish the sentence since Trixie has put the pancakes away and is pulling her down towards herself, her soft pink lips covering every inch of Katya’s face, causing her to burst into laughter, over and over again. Doing what she loves to do _and_ with the girl that she’s pretty sure she’s in love with? Who would say no?

 

The two of them stay on Katya’s couch for the remainder of the morning and early afternoon, cuddling and watching Casablanca that comes on, parting reluctantly only when Trixie says she needs to go into  _Honey_ even though it’s her last day of paid leave and it’s her birthday. Since Katya needs to work on engagement photos she’s taken the day before, she lets her go, but not before spending fifteen minutes kissing at the front door and agreeing to see each other that evening for birthday celebration, and the next day, when Katya would pick Trixie up from work and go with her to test out a new lens in the park nearby. As she watches Trixie get into her Uber while she smokes on the window, Katya wonders what she did in her largely miserable life to finally get so lucky.

.

.

.

 

“No, go back. Details bitch.  Is she a top or a bottom? What does she like? Did you talk kinks yet?”

The connection on Violet’s side is not really the best, and Katya has to squint at her own phone to recognize that the pixelated blur is in fact her best friend, calling her from the other side of the continent, after having blown up her phone when Katya told her Trixie began spending almost every night for the past week.

“Vi, I can barely hear you, _what?_ ”

Maybe she _is_ trying to avoid the subject altogether now, at least until Violet is in the same room as her, since sleeping with Trixie is… different. She is not just a tinder hookup or a casual dating thing that Katya had no issues talking about with her best friend in the past, all details included. Now, she is afraid of sharing too much with the universe, fearing that the universe might yet again be a bitch and take it away from her.

Just that morning Trixie left her apartment to go to work, and she woke Katya up by dragging her to the shower and kissing the sleep away from her puffy eyelids, then proceeded to make them both coffee after which they sat by the window as Katya smoked. Trixie’s thumb rubbed her knee as they talked about their plans for the weekend. It has been surreal, more surreal than any other thing that had happened to Katya in the past year. Considering all the changes that she went through, this being the biggest one, it was a lot, and now difficult to put into words.

How can she even begin to describe the _happiness_ she feels to get to spend every single free moment with Trixie when it seemed just like a distant fantasy only a month ago? No words could even begin to come close to describe how beautiful Trixie is, or how funny. How her nose scrunches lightly when she yawns over her cup of coffee in the morning or how she chews thoughtfully and looks into the distance when she thinks Katya isn’t looking. Anything she could say to Violet pales in comparison to the warmth in her chest when Trixie kisses her collarbone and talks sleepily before drifting off and the way her small apartment rings with the sound of Trixie’s absurdly loud laughter. Katya is happy, and it’s a scary thing to even fathom talking about.

“Fine, you don’t have to tell me _now._ Is it good at least? Is _she_ good?”

The connection clears enough for Violet to see the wide grin on Katya’s face, the crinkles around her eyes visible even through the blurry video.

“She’s the best, Vi. I’ll tell you everything when you get back.”

.

.

.

 

“So, I want my hair to be wavy, but not too curly. I don’t wanna look basic, you know?”

Katya is barely holding in her laughter as Jean continues chattering on, giving precise instructions on how her hair _needs_ to look like, the funny part being the way Trixie’s eyes are bugging out a little. Katya can see that Trixie is holding in an exasperated huff too, but nods along and keeps saying _okay_ as the girl continues talking.

“And please don’t give Amanda the same hair as mine, she’s been trying to copy me for _months_.”

“Isn’t Amanda one of your best friends, dear?”

Mrs. Kasha Davis is sitting in the chair next to her daughter, flipping through the menu that the caterers have brought minutes after Katya and Trixie walked through the door of the gigantic mansion where the Davises lived. Her eyes lift up towards her daughter, a perfectly shaped eyebrow quirked.

“Mom, I told you fifteen times already, I have to keep Amanda close because she has the pull with the cheerleaders. But I can’t _stand_ her, all she talks about is Justin Bieber and we all know he’s _so_ 2013 _._ ”

Katya cackles at this when her eyes meet Trixie’s, and the girl looks at them in the mirror.

“What? You know I’m right.”

“You sure are.” Katya says amusingly, lifting the camera and adjusting the lens before she snaps a photo of the mother and the daughter, with Trixie fiddling with the scissors in the background.

Both Trixie and Katya woke up at seven in the morning to get everything ready for the Sweet Sixteen party, or at least the part they play in it, since Latrice instructed them both on what Mrs. Davis loves and doesn’t love, and when she saw Trixie getting nervous about her first big gig, encouraged them both that Kasha, despite being a rich white woman, has a kind heart and will tell them if anything is amiss.

They had no issues finding the house in the outskirts of Boston hours later and Katya expected to see _swans_ in their larger-than-life front yard that had a fountain decorated with endless balloons and pink bows. Despite the kitschiness of it all, Katya appreciated how this girl’s parents went above and beyond to make their daughter’s birthday special. Jean, all teenager drama aside, is not as snobby as Katya expects most girls of her class to be, and she spent half an hour discussing photography with her before they sat down for hair and makeup.

 

Soon after they shit talk Amanda, the head cheerleader walks in with half a dozen of other girls and Trixie sits them all down and gives them catalogues to browse for hair styles they want, while Katya walks around, taking quick photos as girls get ready, of the tables and canopy set in the backyard, of the house and exterior decorations, and finally of Trixie.

The only dress code for the party is to incorporate something _pink_ in their outfit, since that is the main color of the event. Trixie sure looks the part n her baby pink dress, slightly loose around her shoulders and flowy around her legs and reaching down below her knees. Her thick curls are pushed in a ponytail and makeup is as soft as one could imagine it being on a warm September day. She looks like she walked out of Katya’s wildest cotton candy dreams. Katya, in return, sports only a dark pink button up shirt that she matched with the black pantsuit, the jacket tossed aside as soon as they arrived to the house.

Katya feels smug whenever she notices Trixie swallowing every time she looks at her, and remembers how breathlessly she complimented her that morning when she saw Katya get out of the car to kiss her hello in front of Kim’s building when she picked her up.

She sees Trixie looking at her now, a curling iron in her hand and a little smile on her face that Katya snapped a photo of seconds before, and now has the wild urge to go over and kiss her senseless. Instead, Katya walks past her and squeezes Trixie’s hip lightly before she walks out of the spacious, bright-lit room and into the back porch of the house. Some of the guests have begun arriving already, mostly family members including older aunts and uncles. Mrs. Davis has told them that the main event would be after seven, when half of Jean’s school would be coming over for the party, but the afternoon was reserved for the older family members and friends of Mr. and Mrs. Davis.

Katya spends an hour or two walking between the tables, introducing herself to people who want to know her name, and taking photos much to the guests’ delight. Despite having initial reservations for an event like this, Katya realized that older rich white people are a goldmine for photography opportunities, and she has already given out a dozen of her business cards before she sees Trixie on the porch too, drinking something that looks like pink lemonade.

“Almost done?” Katya comes to stand next to her but only after she’s quickly snapped a photo of her, feeling her heart grow ten sizes when she sees Trixie pose playfully.

“Yep. Jean was right, Amanda talks about Bieber more than you talk about your Russian weirdo bands.”

“Hey!” Katya cackles and nudges her with her hip, sending Trixie into giggles too.

“They’re a cool bunch, though. They keep asking me if I can redo their makeup too.”

“How could they not? You’re the incarnation of their favorite Barbie they played with up until two years ago.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“What? I think you look beautiful.”

Trixie’s blush is visible even in the slight shade of the porch and Katya is grinning proudly.

“God, if we made out right here, right now, do you think we’d look unprofessional?”

“Only one way to find out.”

“Katya!”

“What? You think dykes would be too much for the poor old aunt Shirley over there?”

“She’d fully be clutching her pearls.”

“Oh there you two are!”

The voice of Mrs. Davis makes them both jump a little and they turn around, their expressions slightly flushed and guilty. Katya prays she didn’t hear any part of the conversation they just had. But, even if she did, Kasha shows no signs of it.

“Trixie, dear, Jean is absolutely glowing because of your handiwork. You did a marvelous job!”

Trixie grins and Katya’s heart skips several beats. She’s so proud of her.

“I’m glad she’s happy with it. I only have two more girls left and I’ll be done.”

“Beautiful! Katya, we’ve agreed you’ll be staying here until nine, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, Mrs. Davis.”

“Please, darlings, call me Kasha. You’re making me feel old.”

All three of them laugh and Katya nods.

“Anyway, I’m here to offer you to stay for the party too, Trixie.”

“Oh you really don’t have to, I-“

“No, nonsense! You can keep Katya company and David ordered _too much_ food for this amount of people. I insist.”

Katya and Trixie look at each other and Katya gives her a non-committal shrug, even though all she wants is to have Trixie around for the entirety of the day. It would definitely make the remainder of the party more bearable.

“Okay, I’ll stay then. Thank you. If you need me to help with anything-“

“No, absolutely not. You can finish up the hair and makeup, and I might ask you to touch up mine later in the afternoon, but the moment you are done you’re a guest like everything else here.”

“Thank you M- Kasha.”

“Oh you’re both welcome. Now if you’ll excuse me, I see my mother-in-law calling.”

Both Trixie and Katya laugh at the eyeroll and the wink Kasha gives them, and watch her trod across the lawn.

“Better go get Amanda ready before she cuts my head off.”

Katya laughs and takes her hand briefly, kissing it.

“Go. I’ll be out here. And bring me one of those lemonades when you’re done.”

 

 

The remainder of the afternoon goes by fast, and Katya barely has time to shove some of the food in her mouth while people call her from one side of the lawn or another, wishing her to take photos of them in different poses and with different family members and friends. It’s well past six in the evening and the majority of the adults are already tipsy and ready to dance, so the DJ is already in his spot too, forced to take requests of songs that range from Frank Sinatra to Spice Girls. When five minutes pass without anyone calling out her name, Katya decides to take a bathroom break while she still can, since the only people who like having their photos taken more than middle-aged people are teenagers, and almost a hundred of them are soon to start arriving through the door.

The bathroom offers a welcome silence and Katya feels her head pulsating a little bit, but she has to admit to herself that she _is_ having fun, more so because she knows Trixie is going to join her soon. What makes her the happiest, though, is the fact that Trixie will be coming home with her later and they will get to snuggle on her worn out couch and talk to each other about the day they had.

Just as Katya flushes and goes to wash her hands, there is a brief knock on the bathroom door and Katya calls out that she’ll be out in a second. When she does open the door, she sees Trixie standing on the other side, the look on her face making butterflies in Katya’s stomach dance for the millionth time that day.

“Oh hi.”

“Hello.”

Trixie’s hand pushes her lightly from the door and back into the bathroom again, and follows her in an instant before she closes the door and locks it.

“I’ve missed you the whole damn day.”

“Me too.”

Katya wraps her arms around Trixie’s  waist and Trixie cups both sides of Katya’s face and leans in to kiss her – her soft lingering kisses that Katya returns eagerly, humming contentedly.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you all day.” Trixie mutters into the kiss and Katya kisses her again, and again, and again, until she’s backed into the wall and raking her fingers through Katya’s waves, the feeling of blunt nails against her scalp causing goosebumps on the back of Katya’s neck.

“Did I tell you how hot you are in that fucking suit? Holy shit.”

Katya squeezes Trixie’s waist in response, digging fingers there and grinding against Trixie’s thigh just a little, their mouths inches apart, both of them breathing heavily.

“Do you think it would be unprofessional if I bent you over in our client’s bathroom and fucked you senseless?”

That makes Trixie’s mouth fall open and she kisses Katya softly again, and Katya knows that she’s considering it. They both know it’s a probable thing that _would_ happen if their kisses lasted for more than five seconds.

“Probably. Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe you can do that later tonight when we’re back at your place?”

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

 

Katya is the first one to rejoin the party, her neck still flushed from how easily worked up Trixie has gotten her, but her dark red lipstick is in place once again and her hair brushed out. There is an ache between her thighs for a while after, especially when Trixie comes to join her soon after with a hand on Katya’s lower back, but knows that they still have a few hours to go.

Taking photos of teenagers is definitely more work, since they ask to see how they look in photos every time they are taken, but they are also ready to go with Katya’s ideas of crazy poses, so Katya finds herself having a lot of fun. Both her and Trixie, who watches the entire thing unfold, are invited into several selfies too an hour into what turned into a photoshoot with the cheerleaders.

 

It’s well past nine when Katya packs up her camera, and when she comes out to the lawn that is now lit up with hundreds of small lights and with a crowd consisting now mostly of people under twenty, save some of the adults here and there, she finds Trixie surrounded by several girls who keep asking her about the hair products she uses to make her curls be the way that they are. Once Katya reaches them, Jean begs them both to stay a little bit longer to join the dancing since the band has taken over, and Trixie is the first one to give in.

An hour later Trixie and Katya are still on the dance floor, and no one seems to care that they are dancing with each other and not talking with anyone else aside from several older cousins who are there more out of solidarity for their cousin’s birthday wishes more than anything else. When the fast-beat song changes to something slower, Katya pulls Trixie close and Trixie leans her head on Katya’s shoulder as they sway slowly.

“This is like a prom I never got to have.”

Katya pulls her head from where it rested, leaned on top of Trixie’s, in surprise.

“You never went to your prom?”

Trixie rolls her eyes but laughs.

“Of course I went to prom _,_ but I never got to go to one with a girl that I liked.”

Even though Katya _knows_ that Trixie likes her, she’ll never get tired of hearing it.

“Did you go with a guy, then?”

“Yep, Bob. We were the only two out gays in the entire school so no one really wanted to do anything with us.”

“I’m sorry, Trix.”

“It doesn’t matter, we had a lot of fun. _And_ I get to redo it with you now.”

“Does this mean I forgot to buy you flowers and that I’m a horrible girlfriend?”

Trixie lifts her head up to meet Katya’s eyes and only by the expression on her face does she realize what she just said.

“So that’s what you are, huh? My girlfriend?”

Katya grins wider, and kisses the small crease that formed in the corner of Trixie’s eye as her smile grows too.

“Yep.”

“Cool. Then I’ll need those flowers.”

“I’ll get them for you as soon as we get out of here.”

 

They leave the party shortly after that, and Katya _does_ stop in front of a little flower shop whose owner knows Katya from before, and who gives her a bouquet of lilies that she passes on to Trixie when she gets back in the car.

“Are we having a little Imagine Me and You moment now, Katya?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Imagine Me and You? The best lesbian movie ever made?”

“Never heard of it.”

“And yet you know that Sweet Sixteen is still airing? I’m breaking up with you _immediately_.”

 

The ride to Katya’s apartment is full of their bickering and Trixie’s loud laughter, and Katya can’t remember a better day at work in her entire life. A part of her wishes that she and Trixie can do things like this forever. She loves photography, and getting to finally do it for living is a dream come true, but now she wants to share that dream with Trixie. As she watches Trixie kick off her heels and stretch before she joins her on the couch, Katya thinks that it’s probably too early to even bring it up. She knows that Trixie has been planning to leave _Honey_ for a while now, but Katya doesn’t want to put a strain in their _very_ new relationship by proposing something like that. They have time.

An hour later they are still on the couch, their carefully applied lipsticks gone and their clothes discarded on the floor. They barely spoke anything in the hurry to get each other off, the tension between them building for the entire day and released only when Katya fucked Trixie until her thighs shook and then gladly returned the favor. Katya felt so exhausted afterward, especially with Trixie cuddling into her side, both lazy to get up, shower, and go to bed. The silence breaks shortly after, and Katya didn’t notice that Trixie has been chewing on her lip nervously for at least ten minutes before she speaks.

“Katya?”

“Yeah?”

“I have to talk to you about something.”

“Shoot.”

“Remember when I went back to Wisconsin to be with family couple of weeks ago?”

“Yes, of course I remember.”

“I went to see Pearl too.”

The name Pearl, spoken out of nowhere, and in _that_ context, sucks all of the air from Katya’s lungs and suddenly she can’t breathe, so she sits up. Trixie, who was leaned on her, sits up too, bringing the blanket to her chest, suddenly feeling exposed. Katya opens her mouth once, both unsure of what to say and not understanding why this is being brought up _now_ , then closes it. Then finally:

“Okay.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you back then. I wasn’t sure where you and I were going and there never seemed to be a right time. This is also not the right time, but I have to tell you anyway.”

This exact moment not being the right time is an understatement. Katya’s jaw is clamped shut, but all she can do is look at Trixie, and wait. After all, she has no idea what _seeing_ Pearl means in this case, and wants to give Trixie the benefit of the doubt. Shiver passes down her spine, but it has nothing to do with being cold.

“And I know you and I didn’t talk about it at all, but our breakup went really badly, and I was afraid that I hurt her so I – I needed to fix it.”

Met with Katya’s silence, Trixie seems to falter a little bit, but she continues talking.

“So Bob and I went to Chicago and Pearl and I met over lunch and talked about… everything. Nothing happened obviously, I knew I didn’t love her that… way, and I knew I liked you, so I wanted to do the right thing and bring us both closure.”

A part of Katya, that has been under considerable strain and threatening to snap since Trixie started the conversation, loosened up and she let out a small breath. _Nothing happened._ Yet, there is an irrational part of her that’s still _hurt_ about it. It’s not something she can help.

“Why are you telling me this now? That was almost a month ago.” Her voice too is slightly strained, but Katya tries not to project her insecurities on Trixie. Her insecurities are what ended every single relationship she’s had so far. There weren’t many.

When Katya didn’t snap, something that Trixie apparently expected, the corner of her mouth pulled into a small smile and she shrugged. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions that Katya went within two minutes time, she can’t help but want to hug Trixie when she sees her this way.

“You called me your girlfriend tonight. I was afraid that mentioning Pearl would fuck all of this up, and these past couple of weeks have been the best I’ve had in my life.”

“Mine too.”

Trixie’s face seems to light up at that.

“And tonight you called me your girlfriend and I became aware that I can’t hold this back from you because I don’t want to hide anything from you, Katya. I really, _really_ like you and I want us to work. More than I want anything else.”

“Trixie…”

“So I had to say it. And I see that you’re upset and I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know and _not_ find out from one of our friends or something.”

Katya reaches out and takes Trixie’s hand for the millionth time that day, and pulls her close, meeting in a kiss as she closes the distance between them, and Trixie readily responds.

“Thank you for telling me.” Katya speaks when they pull away, and Trixie leans into her side to snuggle her again.

“Thank god. If we had to fight it would have killed me.”

“How did Pearl take it?”

Trixie lifts her head to see that Katya’s looking at her, and they smile at each other.

“She was surprisingly okay and appreciated that I wanted to clear the air. She’s going on a big world tour and said it was for the best anyway.”

“And you’re okay? You guys were together for a long time.”

“Trust me, Katya, I’ve never been more okay with anything in my life. I have you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Come Away With Me by Norah Jones was playing as they danced.
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at [katyahzamo](https://katyahzamo.tumblr.com).
> 
> I want to thank everyone who is consistently leaving comments on every chapter and to all those who send me messages on tumblr. I stuck with this story mostly because of all of you, so know that I appreciate you very much.


End file.
